I recently picked up Martina Devlin’s “The Hollow Heart” from my workplace bookshelf - our library being the culmination of my ex-boss’s brilliant idea, combined with the hard work of a group of industrious young ladies who formed a committee with an aim towards fostering the love of reading amongst their colleagues. Ms Devlin’s book was definitely not something I would typically read, much less buy for myself. But a colleague was keen on “trying out” the books available for rent, and she wanted company while she did it, as girls tend to do. And so at her cajoling, I selected one of the least uninteresting books I saw, seeing as how other more relatively interesting titles had not been returned to the shelves.



Now the reason for my hesitance in picking up this book: As the blurb on the back of the book says, this story was of a woman‘s journey from being diagnosed as infertile, through the traumatic process of IVF and the subsequent failures of both her attempts at pregnancy and her marriage. You knew at a glance this book would not make for light reading. Furthermore, the writer represented that one type of woman I could never comprehend or even pretend to be - the woman who yearned for motherhood. As friends who know me intimately and readers who may have read any of my previous postings would be aware, I decry societal expectations of women to be mothers foremost, to place their role of reproduction and nurturing above everything else, to the point even of sacrificing their freedom, their dreams, their careers, their youth and in some cases, their beauty. But in this aspect the writer is different. Her sole dream was motherhood. She makes this very clear early on in her book, and that is what makes her story so sad.

Her story is written in a down-to-earth, matter of fact tone, from her early years of journalism in London (your typical career girl, requisite number of boyfriends, future looking bright ahead), her marriage to a decent, adorable man who was “husband material” (the one who impressed her by stating early on in their relationship that he wanted children, just as she did), their relocation to Ireland, the search for a suitable home, and the one year attempt at getting pregnant. She renovates the home, stretching their limited finances, to build a lavatory for children on the ground floor because as she says “everyone knows, when children say they want to go to the bathroom, they mean right now, this very second. Otherwise they’ll have an accident”. And so she diligently puts her career on hold, buys a thermometer to track ovulation, does regular cervical mucus checks. She begins to view intercourse as a sperm-wasting endeavour, if performed outside the ovulatory window, and her spouse complains that she is treating him like a sperm bank.

She finally consults a doctor, who performs a laparoscopy on her and announces that she has adhesions around her fallopian tube, which are blocking the eggs. This resulted from a previously undiagnosed and untreated infection from a decade earlier. The solution? In-vitro fertilization (IVF) which is a process of inhaling hormones through a sniffer for 6 weeks, followed by injections (self-administered) of egg-producing hormones, harvesting of the mature eggs under general anaesthesia, fertilization in the laboratory in a petri dish and ultimately re-inserting the fertilized embryos via a catheter into the uterus through the cervix. All the while she has to have copious amounts of blood drawn out of her to store the eggs. For harvesting, her legs are up in the air in stirrups, for re-inserting of embryos, she lies down frog-style. In both procedures she is naked from the waist down, legs spread wide open.

IVF is expensive, exhausting, it robs a woman of her dignity. She is awash with emotions from the hormones flooding her system. Any female who has suffered from pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS), post-partum depression or gone through menopause must surely empathise with her. You go through an emotional roller-coaster, breaking into tears at the drop of a hat, lose your concentration, feel depressed without reason, are exceptionally clumsy, irritable and forgetful, and knowing that it’s because of your hormones hardly makes the emotions more controllable or any easier to weather. And yet the writer subjects herself willingly to this treatment not once, but thrice. And in each attempt she is devastated as the arrival of her dreaded period announces that she has failed to conceive, yet again.

Before this book, I never knew the details of IVF. What I was more interested in was the journey of the writer, and how her marriage could break down when the couple started out with a joint mission, parenthood being as much her dream as it was her husband’s. The writer never provides the specifics of their quarrels, alluding that their differences grew because she was obsessed with conception, the all-consuming “baby hunger” and neglected to nurture their relationship. Perhaps also, their marriage was relatively new before it was subject to such a challenging trial. It is difficult living with a woman who seems to be permanently having PMS, when nothing seems to satisfy her and she frequently flies out of control at any perceived wrongdoing. She probably isn’t a force you can reason with, much less make sense of.

In the end after a final bitter row, her husband demands a divorce and she moves out of their home to a rented flat. Not long later she is involved in a car accident that fractures her sternum and causes a degeneration of her right eye. Surviving a near-fatal accident, she is faced with steep hospital bills and no permanent job. Newly separated, she cannot even claim against her spouse’s medical insurance. Numbed, she lies in bed searching her past for clues, sins to justify this punishment, trying to make sense of it all. There is a cavern in her heart that will never be filled, hence the title of the book. In the days following she takes sleeping pills, and rests in bed in a sluggish blur. She considers finishing all her pills in one go, for the oblivion of nothingness. She writes that it wasn’t that she wanted to commit suicide, because that would be pro-active. Rather, she didn’t want the trouble of breathing any longer. Of thinking and feeling and hurting. It is her love for her family and not wanting to deliberately cause them pain, that stays her hand. I so understand this. It could have been me a year ago, vocalizing these exact same words.

She finally picks herself up, gets a permanent job and has her first book published. She comes to terms with the fact that she’ll never be a mother and decides not to go for further IVF. She starts to count her blessings and is struck by their quantity. She realizes that life experiences changes a person, pain makes you more empathic, unhappiness teaches you to be compassionate and makes you a kinder person. Only in experiencing pain do you value joy. Her one regret is that her relationship with her ex-husband deteriorated to the extent that they are no longer on speaking terms today.



So is she still enamoured with babies? Yes, she is. She describes their starfish hands, Buddha eyes and accordion chins, an infant’s caramel curls and ten teeny toes that have never been crammed into shoes, its siren gaze and milky scent of powdered warmth. Where I see little bundles of burden, with accompanying soiled nappies to be changed or washed, persistent crying and burping up of soured milk, she sees little demi-gods made for loving. She would gladly trade her career for a child of her own “in a heartbeat” where I would resent the curtailing on my freedom from having a child needing me, clinging to me for attention and nurturing every second of every day. I would go insane with the pressure of always having to set a good example, by deeds and by words, to be a model of a good human being. To restrain myself from lashing out and saying hurtful or dismissive things when they need me at a time when it is inconvenient, or when I am hard-pressed for time or energy to see to their emotional needs.

But what strikes me most about the book is this, the writer describes a different journey from mine, but we ultimately reached the same place. Dreams, disillusionment, divorce, rock-bottom crisis, and finally climbing up again by counting our blessings. Like she says, “no lesson worth learning in life comes easy.” Only in weathering and surviving adversities, do you discover your own strength. And that gives you a courage and self-confidence that no one can take away from you. All failures are humiliating, they rob you of your self-esteem, but the important thing is to know you tried and you gave it your very best. It is a long road to acceptance and peace, but you can get there eventually. And you’ll be a better person for it.

This blog is a year old. Yes, it really is. How time flies. The writers of this blog were beset with an overwhelming fascination for a slew of internet games recently and regretfully, neglected the nourishment of the mind and spirit (har har). For the most part, we were uninspired with no profound “a-ha” moments or nuggets of wisdom to share or post about. So this blog’s anniversary came and went, uneventfully. Gone, faded over the horizon, obscured by the mundane activities of daily life.

I look back at my post a year ago and marvel at the past year’s journey. At this time last year I was at the lowest point of a personal crisis. I pondered my purpose of living. What was the point of a job, making money, just to eat, sleep and grow old? Everything had lost its meaning. There was nothing left to look forward to, now that I had no one to share my life with. Worse, nobody understood what I was going through. Conscious that I was headed for a deep depression, I focused on just getting through the day, an hour, a minute, a second at a time.

I headed to the gym whenever the inactivity threatened to overwhelm and suffocate me. Everything I ate tasted like cardboard at first bite and when I swallowed, it was like a wad of cotton wool going down my throat. I ate anyway. I wondered if I was being punished. Was this retribution of some kind? I desperately re-examined my past in a bid to understand where I had gone wrong. Crying brought no relief. Unlike pain-killers you can take for physical pain, emotional pain was a dull gnawing at my heart, a deep emptiness that nothing can appease and for which no off-the-counter medication exists. Every breath I took burned my lungs.


At one time I even surfed suicide websites. It was my attempt to understand the experiences of people who had been at the lowest ebb of their lives. Maybe they would know what I was going through. The first site begged me, if I was contemplating ending my own life, to stop first, for just the few minutes it would take to read the short passage appended on the main page. It said that if I was reading that, then there was hope, because I still wanted to be saved, to turn around, so to speak. I was impressed. It said, “People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.” Well, that made plenty of sense. Not that I was going to do anything, of course. But you get the idea of how I felt at the time.

I thought of the people who would be deeply hurt if I were to die. They would blame themselves, and have to pick up the pieces. I thought of the pain of child-birth and what my mother had to go through to bring me into this world. I felt that my life was a gift to me, and me alone. And ending it or giving up on myself would be the ultimate act of ingratitude. A book I read had this to say, “Know, although it hurts unbearably and you can’t even imagine getting through this time in your life – you hurt so bad that you can’t even imagine what relief would feel like – that pain can be fuel, and when you’re using it as fuel, you won’t experience it as pain.” (Source: Laura Day, Welcome to Your Crisis) Yes, that hit the nail on the head. I could not imagine what relief would be like. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t even have the energy to move to the tunnel’s end to find out if I was wrong or right about the light.

Then a letter arrived in the mail. It was from a kidney foundation, seeking donations from members of the public. It featured a young man, only 30 years of age, who had dreams of being a chef in a renowned hotel. Then his kidneys failed, one within a week of the other. There was a genetic disease that ran in his family. All hopes were dashed. He would be subject to regular thrice-weekly dialysis treatments for the rest of his life. Here was a man, his whole life ahead of him, and his body was failing him. I was dying inside (or so it felt) but otherwise had a healthy functioning body. Everything suddenly shifted into perspective. Who was I to complain? What did the world owe me, anyway? Was I so special that I should not have to suffer? And it dawned on me, very gradually, that I was perpetuating my own misery by refusing to move on. Yes, suffering is a choice. Correspondingly, so is happiness. You can carry your own internal weather within you, whether it rains, snows, or shines on the outside, regardless of the circumstances, environment or situation you find yourself in.

From that point on, I stopped hanging my head and looking down at my feet whenever I went out. I surrounded myself with self-help books. Positive friends and life-savers suddenly re-appeared in my life again. I switched to a more satisfying job, one that gave me the space and opportunity to work on my own and concentrate on my own healing. I made myself a golden paper star for everyday I got through intact, and dropped it into a jar to remind myself how far I’d travelled along on the most difficult and personal journey of my life. I took up Reiki for the emotional healing it offered. I journalled my thoughts. I essentially just put one foot in front of the other and doggedly plodded forward one small step at a time. Baby steps, that’s what today’s culture calls it. No thinking about the journey, no planning about where I was headed. Just survival, the basics, no past, no future.


I realized that however you perceive yourself and the world, the way you relate to your surroundings, the universe magnifies and returns a thousand-fold to you. How you see yourself is how the world sees you. So I told myself No, I was not an abandoned victim. I was a liberated survivor who had the strength to hold my head high. A friend had this even more profound observation to share: She said, with utmost conviction, that once you take your first step into a new world, a new reality, a new you, the universe changes itself to match your footprints. Every step that you take changes the environment to make your journey just that little bit smoother and easier, bringing your new reality just that little bit closer to you. Your path is being altered, moulded as it is being travelled. Your reality is being manifested as you live it, right from this moment to the very next.

Therefore, how you live in each moment determines what the next moment will be, ie you are creating all your tomorrows right now, starting from this very present moment, even as your eyes are moving along the words on this page. That really, is the basis of The Secret, the law of attraction. This is also the theme along Stephen Covey’s 1st habit, Be Proactive. We are not the victims we make ourselves out to be. All we have to do is take charge, and create the lives we want. All that we are today is a product of past choices. Once you accept that, and accept responsibility for what you are today, you are empowering yourself to change all your tomorrows. This concept is so simple yet profound, it cannot be anything but true.

And yet, happiness eludes so many of us. Richard Carlson, author of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” has this to say:
“One of the most basic spiritual principles in many philosophies is the idea of opening your heart to ‘what is’ instead of insisting that life be a certain way. Much of our internal struggle stems from our desire to control life, our unwillingness to accept life as being different, in any way, from our expectations. We spend our lives wanting things, people and events to be just as we want them to be – and when they’re not, we fight and we suffer. But life isn’t always (or even rarely is) the way we would like it to be – it is simply the way it is. The greater our surrender to the truth of the moment, the greater will be our peace of mind. If you can open your heart to life’s challenges, make it okay for you that things are not always okay, you will find that many of the things that have always bothered you will cease to be concerns. Your perspective deepens. You are able to transcend the events of your life.“

Although Mr Carlson was referring to the difficulties of daily life, I think his words are especially true when the event that is hurting you has occurred in the past. Sometimes we allow ourselves to continue to be hurt by something that has happened in the past, holding on to our pain and reliving the injustices we faced. We never outgrow our bitter experiences, keeping ourselves imprisoned in a past that no longer exists and cannot be re-created. We re-enact old events, we cling to a victim’s identity, one who was cheated upon by a spouse, who was robbed, who was raped, who had a loved one snatched away, who was abandoned or unloved as a child, who was unfairly dismissed from work, who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I am not taking these experiences lightly, they would bring the strongest of us down to our knees, but my point is that all of this energy keeps us attached to an event that is now over and can never be changed. Instead of thinking “This too, shall pass”, we insist that “This thing should never have happened”. We hurt ourselves again and again by reliving our past traumas, indigestible acts and events of unfairness that happened to us. The healing of the past only starts when you can begin to live in the present. You have to shift your perspective and re-direct your focus to a place where you have your resources and energy, the present. The present is where you have your control and your power, this very moment now is the point at which you can take charge.

Ironically, I got this line from a horoscope reading in May this year: “Spiritual strength rests upon our ability to become a big picture person and learn to see that somewhere along the line all of our experiences, whether good or bad, have a tremendous and positive impact upon us in the final outcome.” Yes, the gift of any crisis is evolution, authenticity, strength, wisdom, compassion, courage. In the words of Laura Day, “Rock bottom can be the best place to start.”

You can turn your ending into a new beginning, right now. Let your journey of creation begin today.

There is this beautiful song about rainbows that was performed in the opening sequence of the 1979 Muppet Movie. It was sung by Kermit the Frog (voiced by his creator Jim Henson). Stuck somewhere in the dim recesses of my childhood memory, I was re-acquainted with it during singing classes in Primary school when I was 12.

Here’s a link to the clip of our adorable Kermit:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4s155_rainbow-connection_shortfilms

What is really magical about this song (it’s called “Rainbow Connection”) is how its haunting, lilting melody masks the profundity of its lyrics. At first sight, you are charmed as the camera pans through the swamp to a close-up of this adorable green frog perched on a log, serenading us with his nasal “froggy” voice as he plucks at his banjo. As the catchy waltz is sung however, you realize that the song itself has a deeper meaning than you originally caught on. You soon realise that this song is a parable of life, a metaphor if you will, about searching for the purpose and meaning of your existence.

And that is where the fascination lies. How can a song, performed for a kid’s movie, be so deep that even upon looking at the lyrics, you struggle to comprehend its meaning? So before I ramble on further, here’s a look at the lyrics of “Rainbow Connection”:

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what’s on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it
I know they’re wrong, wait and see.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
and someone believed it,
and look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell,
we know that it’s probably magic….

Have you been half asleep
and have you heard voices?
I’ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.
It’s something that I’m supposed to be.
Someday we’ll find it,
the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.
La, da da, La, da da do, La Laa, la la, La, La la doooooo

As I sang this at 12, the lyrics made no sense to me. Even upon picking up my songbook 10 years later (and cringing at the childish hand-writing), the meaning of the words remained maddeningly obscure. What were the song-writers, Kenny Ascher and Paul Williams, trying to convey? Thankfully, with the miracle of the Internet and Google, I’ve found out that there were others who were similarly baffled by the lyrics. Here’s a link to a blog where the writer has attempted (and succeeded admirably) in making sense of this song.

http://garrettthomas.wordpress.com/2008/07/19/the-rainbow-connection-meaning/

In a word, “wow”! I like how the writer says that even as we search for a purpose to our existence, a meaning to our life, that calling deep down inside of us, as we question religion and the existence of God, we can look within to find the real answers deep down inside of us. As an individual, you can find your own meaning. Your life is what you make of it. If this is not inspiring, I don’t know what is.

Sometimes when you are lost, all it takes is a frog and a song about rainbows to bring you back to a place of hope and dreams. So are you a lover, a dreamer or somewhere in between?

When will you realize
That love is a gift that is bestowed upon you
Not a transaction from which you barter for that which you do not deserve

When will you start
To see the abundance in this world
And not compare yourself to others on a different journey than yours

When will you understand
That success is much more than the car you drive and the house you own
That who you are inside and how you touch other’s lives is the measure of true greatness

When will you begin
To see beyond the limitations in your mind
And realize that success comes from unrelenting effort, no matter what cards life deals you with

When will you know
That the true worth of your child is not the blood that runs in his veins
But rather the result of parenting that comes from a place of love

When will you honour
The people in your life who love you freely
And start taking responsibility for your actions in causing them pain

When will you face
The truth that lies within you
And not hide under a blanket of false self-delusions

When will you give
All that you are capable of giving
Without resentment, or hope of some favour in return

When will you learn
That true joy comes from being happy for others’ successes
Not assessing their worth in terms of how useful they are to your own success

When will you regret
All the time that you wasted chasing shadows
When you could have spent those precious hours basking in the joy of being alive

When will you become
The person that you are capable of being
The person that I don’t see in you now

I have no answers for you, but I wish you well…..

I was first introduced to the name Paul Potts by my sis' friend, Joyce. He was the most unlikely candidate in Britain's Got Talent because of his low self-esteem but his talent in singing was undeniable.

Watch Paul Pott's audition.

This year, we were introduced to another Paul Potts. Her name is Susan Boyle, and she was as talented and as unlikely a winner. The difference though is that she had her self-confidence but she was 47 when she was discovered.

Watch Susan Boyle's audition.

When you see talent, you can't deny it. Knowing that they come from an underprivileged background makes them stand out all the more, as in you know they are undoubtedly gifted. Because someone else can be trained to sing well, to broaden their octave range, and so on.

To me, Susan Boyle who didn't win Britain's Got Talent deserved to win. Why did the general public stop her from achieving her ambitions? But on the other hand, Paul Potts was a clear winner and he shouldn't have lacked in confidence.

Where would that leave the rest of us who don't have any talent? Sometimes a consolatory word would be that we haven't yet uncovered our potential, and that there's a purpose for everyone of us. But when you reach your 30s, and you still haven't made yourself feel proud, then it is demoralizing. There probably isn't any talent in you after all.

Talent must be visible to not only yourself, but receive consensus from other people. But as I was told, to the introvert, he knows he is good at what he does, and he doesn't need to know other people's opinion of him. To me, it is true he may have good feelings about himself generally, but if he were good, no one would deny him that he was good. Or would they? So I came back to Susan Boyle and I wondered, why would the public choose Diversity over her? To me, Diversity's act can be perfected from sheer hard work and creativity. But not everyone has Susan Boyle's voice. She is unique.

So I made an about-turn. We should be more introverted with the opinion of ourselves. I know what I'm good at, because I like what I do, and because I spend a long time perfecting my craft, I improve. If I don't like what I do, then I probably won't be good at it. I can learn from other people who are good at it, but I won't sustain myself long without interest. Falling out from the race is a clear sign that I'm not interested in my job.

When someone praises me, good job, it motivates me. But I'm not living for your praises, I'm trying to leave a legacy of my superb tasks behind for you to admire. Sometimes I compare my work to another person's and I find, hey he did it better. The first thought in my mind is that he's better than me. But as I found, the introvert thinks that, true, he has that ONE part that is better than mine. But I don't care, there's not 100% of what he did that was better than me. I have this list of what I did which I believe is better than how he implemented it, and I'm incorporating his part of the contribution so that my task is overall superior. This is having faith in yourself.

So how about passion over monetary rewards? Does this mean we should choose the job we love over money? Hell no. Our job should sustain us. We love what we do, but we're not going to devote 16 hours of everyday on the job. We also love to take a break, have a fine-dining experience and waste away some of our time. We are not earning to sustain our lifestyle, but we want that hard-earned treat. We need to space out, to slack on the job too.

My work-based execution module, which took a module from Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says that to be a good performer, we devote 20% to Important and Urgent tasks, 70% to Not urgent but Important tasks, and 10% to Neither Important nor Urgent tasks. That 10% is an important part of our life.

This formula should work. I think it works.

One personality quiz I recently took presented this question on integrity:

Which virtue is your strongest – Charisma, Honesty, Righteousness or Fervor (ie Enthusiasm)?

Now, I love personality quizzes. Arguably, you would question the accuracy and reliability of their results, but they’re fun to do all the same. The good quizzes leave you baffled with the depth of their questions. Reflecting on the right answer is often eye-opening, giving you a better understanding of yourself.

I was momentarily confused with the meaning of “Righteousness”, thinking it meant piousness/holiness/godliness, which had religious connotations. The thesaurus however, defined righteousness as morality, uprightness, goodness, rectitude. Well, this was a slightly broader spectrum than mere honesty, which was only one of the virtues of righteousness.

That said, it was a tough choice between the virtue I felt was my strongest, and the one I most aspired to have. Ultimately, I am a great advocate of Honesty, with others and with yourself; but mostly, with yourself. Honesty with others is an easy thing. It’s so clear to us when others are wrong, so easy to judge them, to provide unsolicited advice and tell them what they should or should not have done. Sometimes honesty with others is just plain meanness. Is it really necessary to tell a friend that their new hairdo doesn’t suit them, or tell your spouse they did a poor job with the housework, or tell a co-worker you don’t think they’re cut out for that promotion they’ve set their heart on? The challenge with being honest with others is really balancing it with kindness and compassion. Perhaps there is a milder way of being truthful, even when they are asking for your sincere opinion. Sometimes they’re not ready for the truth, no matter what they say.



But the real challenge about honesty is really being honest with yourself. It is not easy to face yourself, weaknesses, warts and all. On the physical front, a lot of us are already unhappy with what we see in the mirror. This low body image translates into obsessions with unhealthy dieting, slimming programs and all kinds of eating disorders just so that we can fit in with a prescribed societal standard of beauty. On the other end of the spectrum, we could have such low body image that we don’t even bother with our appearance, telling ourselves it’s too troublesome to follow the latest fashions because secretly we think there’s nothing we can do to improve our appearance since we’re already so unattractive anyway.

Or perhaps, you are so proud of your appearance that you spend all your time upgrading your wardrobe to look good and feel confident about yourself, because maybe you think you have nothing of value other than your looks? When we develop ourselves, it is not just about looking good. Being beautiful is wonderful, but that’s not the end of the line. Don’t neglect self-development, pursuing new skills and knowledge, new languages, even keeping up with the latest news and world events is a form of development. Dabble in all sorts of things until you find something you are really good at. We are all born with some innate talent, sometimes latent, we just haven’t discovered it and found a way to tap into it. We should realize that we are more than our looks. Maximize everything about yourself, within and without.

Even harder than facing our physical imperfections, is facing our inner imperfections; what we perceive to be personality flaws or weaknesses, aspects of ourselves we struggle to hide from our family, friends and employers. Sometimes we are so adept at hiding our real selves that we begin to believe the outer mask we wear is our true self. Psychologists term this the “self-image”. This is a passage taken from “Effective Management Skills” by John Scott & Arthur Rochester. I remember being riveted when I first read this many years ago:

"The way each of us perceives ourselves is a fundamental element in our personality. It is also extremely difficult to do it accurately. Each of us has a view of himself that is only partly realistic. Each person has in himself certain real powers, abilities, and potentials – his “real self”. Many of these he will be aware of. But many he won’t know or he’ll be unsure of. What is more his upbringing will have persuaded him that there are certain abilities he ought to have (whether he has them or not). If he doesn’t actually have them, he will try to convince himself he is something that he is not.

A person’s self-image is in many ways the self he subconsciously feels he ought to be. This will overlap with his real self, but won’t totally coincide with it. One’s real self is an irregular shape, full of odd corners in the personality that are at best only dimly realized by anyone – perhaps least of all by oneself. One’s self-image is a neater, more sharply defined shape. Like anyone else, man understands things (himself included) in much tidier ways than exists in reality. To some extent, his self-image must overlap with reality. If there is little overlap, this person would be what we termed mentally insane. But however sane he is, a person’s self-image will inevitably contain some elements of fiction."

And that is where, I think, Honesty and maturity come into play. As we mature, we gain a better insight of ourselves, where we are and how far we are from who we think we ought to be. But there is still that struggle sometimes when we want to believe (or have others believe) that we are better than we really are, as virtuous as we claim ourselves to be. We embellish stories, exaggerate wrong-doings done to us, improve on the part we played in a narrative just to gain others’ sympathy or approval or achieve the desired dramatic effect in a tale we are regaling for others’ enjoyment. We get defensive when criticized, hide the real reasons we have for our actions, hurt people by our insecurity and by not explaining ourselves, with-hold the truth for fear of judgement by others.

The greatest irony is that we are most adept at kidding and deluding ourselves. We can mostly rationalize all our decisions, choices that we make and provide the soundest logic on the reason we acted the way we did in any situation. Sometimes we repeat these justifications over and over again in a bid to convince ourselves that it is true. A local celebrity, caught philandering and served divorce papers by his wife said, “Well, perhaps it was fated that I would marry (insert name of woman he was having fun with)”. (What the ..?) How does fate come into play in this? Did fate arrange for him to marry one woman, have children and then abandon his first family? A woman who allows her young son to play unsupervised in an abandoned mining pool only to find him drowned a few hours later says, “it must be God’s will”. God’s will, or parental negligence? A mining pool is man-made. A child who drowns in a mining pool was not suddenly swept away by a tsunami or attacked by sharks. There was no natural catastrophe involved. How was that God's will?

The list goes on. We smoke but tell ourselves it’s not necessary to quit smoking because some so-and-so we knew smoked his whole life and lived to be a healthy 93 years old. We are overweight and obviously out of shape but we tell ourselves exercise is not practical because we’re too busy. (Too busy to take care of our health, or too busy to live a longer life?) Our work has lost its meaning and we dread going into the office each day but we tell ourselves it’s a jungle out there and make no attempt to find a more satisfying job. (how do you know it’s a jungle out there if you’ve not even stepped out of your cushy, comfort zone?) We are in an unhealthy relationship that has ceased to have any positive effects in our lives but we tell ourselves it’s ok, at least we’re not with a murderer/drunkard/wife-batterer. Sometimes, even when it’s obvious that this same person wants nothing to do with us anymore, we continue to hang around, waiting for a miracle or for this person to change his/her mind. Worse, we justify this by giving this person an “essential” new role to play in our lives.

Other times, we are so averse to new things that we tell ourselves we don’t like something even when we haven’t tried it. It’s different when you admit you don’t like it because you’ve tried it and you’re not good at it (like a new sport or hobby, for example). There’s honesty there for you. But when you resist new experiences out of fear/laziness and lie to yourself that you just “don’t like it”, you are moving yourself into a little stagnant quadrant of zero growth. How do you know you don’t like sashimi if you’ve never tasted it? Are you so sure para-sailing is not for you if you never gave it a shot? Why fear animals if you’ve never been near one or been introduced to a friendly specimen? Are you homo-phobic? Why? Do you even know anyone who is gay and what have they ever done to hurt you? Have you ever tried being friends with one?

I ruthlessly dissect myself and my motives for doing things. The truth is never comfortable, but it gives me better self-understanding and from that awareness I know where to channel my energy for self-improvement. For example, I’m a racist and a certain race annoys me no end. (it’s a result of honesty that I can admit this in a public blog) When people of this race behave a certain way, I always justify my dislike of them by thinking, “Well, they’re like that. Cunning apple-polishers who take all the glory while trying to get out of doing the ground work.” But I catch myself and consciously look for others of this race who are not like this at all. And I realize I am stereo-typing again, as usual. It doesn’t mean I can change my inherent thinking in a day, but I am consciously adjusting it everytime I fall into the trap of this kind of thinking.

In facing stressful events or situations as well, I step back and ask myself, what exactly it is that I fear or dread the most? Before giving a recent talk to a group of visiting fresh university graduates, I asked myself what was the worst that could happen. What was it that was freaking me out so much about public speaking? It turns out, it was the fear of embarrassment, of forgetting the punchline to my jokes, of not having any response to what I was presenting. Well, was it that bad? No, not really. They were strangers and I was not trying to impress anybody. So I relaxed and the talk went smoothly. My fears were unfounded the moment I confronted myself honestly. It was more about me than it was about the external trigger. I had a recurring fear of bumping into my ex with his girl-friend while I was out shopping. Why? Because I feared the pain it would cause me, and the agony I would go through for days after the sight of them together was burned into my mind. But more than that, I was afraid of the embarrassment I would face if they both saw how painful it was for me. And then I realized it could only hurt me if I let the incident affect me that strongly. If I could envision it, and picture myself walking away calmly, what was preventing me from doing exactly that when it actually happened?

I am capable of being witty and telling on-the-spot anecdotes that can make my listeners laugh. It was some time before I caught on that I was often telling jokes at someone else’s expense, as a result of putting him/her down or describing an embarrassing situation this person found himself/herself in. I sometimes did this when the person in question was not around too. Now, I make self-deprecating jokes instead. How disparaging can it be when you’re telling something about yourself? And you gain greater respect both from others and from yourself this way.

But back to the quiz above: Even though I aspire to Honesty, my strongest virtue is Charisma. It’s not something I’m exactly proud of, just honest enough to admit. Charisma is something you take for granted, I don’t know for certain how one goes about learning it (but it can be learned), and it’s been useful to me in many social and corporate situations. Truth be told, it envelops you with an aura of popularity and charm that may not always be authentic. Charisma is not a bad thing, but it's an art, not a virtue. Adolf Hitler, Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama all have this quality. An honest person however, one who is sincere and true, well that kind of person is a rarer find. Give me George Washington over James Bond any day.

What about you? What's your strongest virtue?

While I was browsing for backdated news about the court proceedings on the Altantuya murder case, I arrived at an informative site, malaysiacrimewatch.lokety.com. After reading through much news on Altantuya, my attention was hooked onto Nurin Jazlin. I readily remembered the horrific post-mortem pics I saw before, and I was wondering who the suspect was and whether he had been charged. I assumed he had, because it happened so long ago. To my disbelief, the case remains open. I suddenly became obsessively curious about what had happened to the investigations. I have no idea why, it was just too disturbing to ignore.

Suddenly, my whole Internet Explorer was filled with tabs and tabs of crime reports, forums, blogs about this case. The timeline starting from abduction to grisly discovery of the duffel bag were detailed here: www.seventh-angel.net/2007/09/21/al-fatihah-nurin-jaslin-jazimin/

I was led to the CCTV footage of the perpetrator dumping the duffel bag in broad daylight. I had not known the existence of this video because I don’t watch TV often (where it was broadcast in news) nor read MSM everyday. The video was extremely spooky to me. It is here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTpK34KgpOU&feature=PlayList&p=C42FCE106259EA6D&index=0&playnext=1

I was frightened by that video because the pervert was not really having a phone conversation. He held his mobile while looking around him for witnesses, and then when he found the right spot to throw his victim’s body away, he came back immediately without talking on his mobile, took down the duffel bag and plonked it where he last explored, then took off unsuspiciously. The misfortune to us all is that he was caught on camera but he has never been caught. He is absolutely challenging it to our faces to catch him. I am incensed by it.

The things to look out for when watching this video were thought out by many forummers, here is one:

Police should emphasize on WHAT TO OBSERVE while watching the footage ie.

“Please observe the combination of these:

a) He is (most probably) a right handed person

b) He has or had a black Modenas Kriss

c) Notice the T-shirt – dark with white letter wording across the chest area

d) The way he walks (better still, if the police can re-tune the video to the nearest natural speed so viewers can notice the natural way he walk)

e) Notice his body frame

f) Most probably he is/was staying in KL/Selangor area during the murder

I believe the a->f combination is VERY UNIQUE to someone. So, pls, to the KL/Selangorian, compare that with your neighbor, your friend or even your relatives. And call 999 should you notice/think/find a suspect that matches with the combination”.


I don’t know whether this case has been over-publicized by the police and politicians, but everything I found I did it on the internet. The shop where the body was found belonged not to a book distribution company but to an insurance group. Even the names of the manager, employee and address were clearly stated (31, Jalan PJS 1/48). Oh my, do we need the details?

There were 3 men and a girl in a red blouse who were caught in the footage, an hour later. The three men were the first to report to the police, the girl in red, who turned out to be a 15-year-old teenager, finally appeared to the police as well, but it was claimed that none of them noticed the bag when they were there. The girl in red and the motorcycle man were the two people in the photofits released by police, man's photofit repeated here:

CALL ASP LOH PEI PEI @ 03-79662222 FOR ANY INFORMATION

And this is the photofit of Sharlinie's kidnapper:

THOSE WITH INFORMATION ON SHARLINIE'S WHERABOUTS, OR ON THE SUSPECT, CONTACT RAKANCOP AT 03-21159999 OR TOLL FREE LINE NO : 1-800-88-LINI.

I have just come out of a bad bout of flu. Not one those annoying scratchy-throat, tickly-nose, gone-in-1-day flus. But a real flu flu. Like if they had a Richter 1-to-10 scale for flus, where 1 would be that out-of-the-woods feeling you get each time you’re a bit down and exposed to a sneezing co-commuter on the train or a cold your toddler’s brought back from pre-school, and 10 would be that all-out, full-force totally debilitating, flat-on-the-couch, wonder-where-you- are disorientation when even the thought of walking to the bathroom to empty your bladder exhausts you, and waves of nausea engulf you the moment you try to get up from your horizontally sprawled position to make your way to that aforementioned bathroom. Well, on that scale I would have scored a marvelous 8.5. Yes, this time the flu has wrapped her treacherous tentacles firmly around me and is slowly drowning me in her insidious poison, intent on not letting go until I am incoherent and scarcely conscious.

With nose dripping, eyes watering, throat burning and as dry as chalk on a blackboard, joints aching and feverish dreams racing through my mind, it is hard not to get depressed and self-pitying. The more morbid of us start to fantasise that our dying moments must feel like this. Delirious, floating around (either physically or in our heads, we can’t really tell the difference anymore), and alone, oh, most definitely alone. That is the most chilling aspect of it all. Death, disease, dying – it is a journey we travel alone, without guides, without instructions, no user manuals or trial runs for you. You don’t even know what awaits you at the end of the journey, or if there is even an end to this journey. You wonder if all that you’ve done in this life counts for something, if anything, at all. Yes, this is a frightening place to be. I even wondered who would deliver my eulogy and whether this person would have anything to say. Then I remembered that Chinese funerals don’t require a eulogy (Damn.)

Add to this the fact that I live alone, and you can see where that self-pity is magnified. Any chicken soup and tender loving care are to be self-administered. Of course, when you’re all well and recovered there’s that satisfaction of knowing how independent and brave you were, how you did it all by yourself without the pampering and molly-coddling people are apt to expect when they’re ill. But believe me, it’s no bed of roses when you’re still in the throes of it, when you wake in the middle of the night to reach for that box of tissues to mop up your nose only to find you’ve run out and you need to make your way to the storeroom downstairs just to get another box. That’s not exactly a moment that you would catch your breath and exclaim, “Oh, life’s so beautiful!”.

Yet, even a flu can be fun (hey, this is a positive blog we have here, remember?). You see, the satisfaction of having a flu is you really have a legitimate excuse to vegetate and do nothing, but absolutely nothing, at all. You’re supposed to be recuperating, remember? Those cold medications they give you, they just wipe you out. Just gulp down one pill and before you can say, “Bless the good doctor” you’re down, total bliss, total oblivion, no cares, no worries, unconscious, at rest, at peace. It’s like death, but just temporary. No guilt about shirking your chores, no worries about skipping that dreaded weights class, no beating yourself up about not meeting that Christian evangelist aunt you’d promised to call this weekend. And hey, before you know it, you wake 3 hours later with a cleared nose and it takes you a full 5 minutes before you can remember what your first name is. Like, how cool is that?

There is also that added benefit of losing your appetite. After all, most of these medications leave you with such a bland mouth everything tastes just about the same on your tongue. No cravings there for you, just warm food, anything you can get your hands on. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be warm, even a bun will do, because you just want something to keep your tummy from digesting itself together with the drugs you’re taking. Hey, who needs food when we get to sleep most of the day away? The best thing is, we’re probably losing weight along with all this anyway. Without battling our appetite and cravings or munching on salads and drinking diet protein shakes. Bliss, I tell ya.

Of course, there’s also that added bonus of taking medical leave away from work. No mind-numbingly boring meetings, where you sit there 2 hours while wondering what the purpose your attendance at the meeting serves, much less what difference your absence in the dialogue makes. And there’s the pleasure of getting to turn off your mobile, no smses, no calls to take, no email to check, totally incommunicado, while you lounge on your couch all day in your jammies, catching up on old “Friends” re-runs and laugh the day away. Actually, the only time you even need to use your brains is when you’re channel-surfing and you need to remember what channel American Idol is on. And when you need to run to the loo, you can pee with the bathroom door open since you’re at home and unlike at the office, there’s no one to see you anyway. Whoopee!

But like all good things that come to an end, you know your flu-heaven is just temporary and after your recovery period you need to fall back down to earth again. Even so, there’s always that enjoyment to be had when your appetite returns and you have your first substantial meal. Oh, how good it is to taste everything in its full-flavoured glory. You never realise how good a plate of wanton noodles taste until after your convalescence. After that drug induced haze has cleared up, the food just melts on your tongue, sliding down your throat, reminding you how good it is to be alive. Until you go without, you don’t realise how much you enjoy the things you take for granted on a daily basis.

And when you check your emails (finally) you discover a host of get-well-soon messages from remote colleagues, while those at the same office smile and nod at you sympathetically as if to say, “And how are you doing now, poor dear?” not knowing that you’ve just been back from having one of the best times of your life. You know there’s a lot of work to catch up on, but at least a portion of those “urgent” requests have resolved themselves either due to the timeline (where the event is already over and negates the necessity of any action on your part), or the fact that someone else has attended to them in your absence.

Best of all, as you gingerly go about resuming the pace of your pre-flu life, you are reminded of your mortality, that our time here on earth is limited, that we are to appreciate our physical body and treat it with the respect it deserves, that every second we have here is to be cherished and made the most of. What is life after all, but a series of present moments? And how we live those present moments is the legacy we leave behind for others.

Peace and good health to all!

I don’t seek to be different, that was never my intent,
I don’t try to be unique, sell myself as my own brand.
All I want is to be free, to find my path and my own way,
To live, to love, to question my choices, so please try to comprehend,

That whatever works for you is fine, but your journey is not mine,
You have your dreams, your life, your needs, so follow your own heart.
Just don’t forget to look within, to see inside yourself,
For then you know that this is where it comes from, where it starts.

Sometimes it takes a lot of pain, before we finally realise,
The error of our ways before, that which had made no sense, now clear,
How we were wasting our time, finding false meaning in our lives,
Until one day we’re lost, we falter, we lose all that we hold dear.

When that day comes, be brave, take heart, knowing others have gone before,
With strength we grow, we face our fears, and suddenly we know,
That we are braver than we think, cause when there’s nothing left to live for,
We find we start to know ourselves again, we become our own hero.

Then from this point on we begin, we find we are just starting,
To understand the depth of life, its richness, and its meaning.
With wisdom and maturity we have grown, and we now see,
That for every ending we survive, life grants a new beginning.


May you have many new beginnings and the courage to see them through .... :)

I don't know if these should ever be written. I know they're written after a relationship has ended. Should two people talk about fundamental issues together, or should we unload into a public forum like this?

People dissect a relationship after it has ended. While a relationship stays on, we couples tend to hide incompatibilities from outsiders, and disregard the warning signs. Is it something like being dishonest with ourselves? My sis was very open and honest after her relationship broke down. Previously, I used to suspect she was shielding the man's weaknesses from our family. But I felt really sad and down when she talked about her relationship, it made me cry, because she didn't deserve her fate. If only we could be honest like this, maybe things would work out better if we were all honest with one another. If a relationship wants to strengthen its foundations after honesty, it could. If it wants to falter, it would've faltered much sooner than later, which would've been better.

Should we admit that we are incompatible from the start? Or should we find out how to smoothen out those incompatibilities? The fundamental personalities are truly different, though not yet absolutely opposite, that I really want to tear my hair out trying to understand my partner better. We have gone through many of these depressing sessions, and spoken many good quotes to keep our bond together. Not just once, my partner told me not to talk about things I don't really mean. Instead of talking about breakup because we are so incompatible, why don't we take our lifetime to try to understand each other? We have a whole lifetime to try to understand each other. Which is again true. It was a strong quote from him which I honoured. It became my conviction because there was truth in it which didn't occur to me before.

We are fundamentally different because the question he asks does not seem to generate the right answer from me. Is it confusing? The question he asks sounds vague to me (no sense of being on the same wavelength) thus I give him my answer, which he doesn't understand because it didn't make sense to him. So he repeats the same question and I repeat the same answer because we don't know what the other means... and it goes on until I just wanna tear my hair out...!!! And shake the sense into him...!! I was wondering if people who are on the same wavelength stay on longer, and do people who aren't on the wavelength spend their lifetime to try to understand each other. These arguments do end up with us understanding the question and answer and hitting upon the right question/answer combination finally, but it is harder to get there than for two compatible persons.

Some days I could think, I could do without him. Sometimes, I could look at him and contemplate how difficult my life would be to be without him in particular, because he is very motivating. He's like my personal Anthony Robbins. But if two people are still very convinced they want to be together, then let no man or circumstance tear them asunder. If one side cannot be taught to understand the other and insists on getting out, then let it happen. Myself, I have not been put together with him by God yet, but I am eagerly waiting for my big day... Any long replies, please post into your own entry, thanks...

The people of Perak should blame themselves first before others. They voted for a 50:50 between state and opposition. They made a few insignificant assemblymen become prized assets, because with some simple inducements, the opposition have clinched majority. Those insignificant politicians should never have been made such prized assets because they are not. They remain of little value. When we enter the voting booth, we are looking for a party logo, not a particular candidate. I don't personally know any politician that I voted for, I only know the manifesto of the political party, and that is what I am supporting. It is impossible for me to know my politician: liking a person takes time. Should I want to know his ambitions, his personal opinions on state, government, economy etc, it would have to be over many cups of kopi, time which nobody can afford.

I couldn't quite care less about the 2 Malay assemblymen. All the news I wanted to read was about Hee Yit Foong. I couldn't understand why a Chinese would jump ship. Why? Is there turmoil within DAP? Is it intellectual disagreement, or is it core principle? I think PKR have not been given enough opportunity to prove their capability to govern. I think PKR deserves to lead Perak until the next mandate is sought.

I was surprised that the Sultan sided by Najib. However, thinking of a dissolution brought back memories of Permatang Pauh elections. During the PP time, an assemblyman vacated his seat for Anwar to return to politics. That alone cost Penang a holiday, and closed operations on a weekday. PP voters braved snarling traffic to go home to vote, to what end? Why must the people of Malaysia, on some whimsical fancy of state or opposition parties, go out and revote? We have reaped what we sowed. This is the harvest of Perak's 50:50 voter confidence. Isn't it true that that state doesn't mind being governed by either state or opposition?

I know every man on the street is behind Pakatan Rakyat. It is growing with every by-election. There is no need to prove it again. It is such a waste of Perak's time to revote the whole state. Calculate how many months ago the general election just ended. Had Perak been firm, they would've silenced their critics with a resounding majority win for PR. As Anwar says, be patient.

And remember, silence your critics with a resounding majority for one party. Be like Sabah, Sarawak. BN remains unshakeable there until the 13th GE. Although we think they're like katak di bawah tempurung, the truth is that the BN parties played more intelligently there than did the PR in Perak. Perhaps it's because everyone can eat pork there, that's why racially the Borneons mesh better. And thus they vote for one another. There is mutual trust when everyone's appetite is the same, and we can all share the same meal.

The Sultan's decision suggests to me that if Anwar did get the 30 BN MPs to crossover, the PR could have sat in Putrajaya last time the question surfaced. But it seems also that this crossing-over game will never end.

Through my observation, the Penang state goverment does not seem to have made much changes. Either that or I don't know where to look. There were various proposals but I'm not sure at what level of completion the proposals are in now. Can anyone send me a link of the state's current affairs? I would love to know. In any case, I would still have voted DAP in, because they are quiet and true to their word. Slowly, they practise what they preach. That is how their support is growing with every by-election. I have faith in PR. I forgive the King of Tennis fiasco because the state councillors are still greenhorn. It was an honest mistake and everyone is allowed to make mistakes as long as they learn not to repeat it.

So here is year 2009. Another new year, hopefully more new beginnings. Did you make your new year resolutions and make an effort to adopt good habits this year? Did you come out with your own slogan? Me, I don’t usually make New Year resolutions. Untraditional as it is, I see every single day as a new start, so I don’t have to wait until Dec 31st to launch a new set of changes or rules on myself. Why wait till next year, when you can begin tomorrow? Now doesn’t that sound so clever, except it’s merely an excuse to cover my impatience. I detest waiting, it’s not one of my better traits.

However, I have decided I will come out with a New Year’s theme. Yes, no resolutions, but I’ll have a theme for year 2009. And my theme is…. (drum roll, please)….. GRATITUDE. Yes, whatever I do in 2009, I’m going to think “gratitude”. All blessings will be taken note of and counted. Everything, but just everything, that I receive, I will be grateful for. This is not easily done in a world where we are surrounded with negativity and cynics who call themselves realists. Yes, to them we grateful people are just a bunch of dreamers; idealistic, grateful idiots who would thank a stranger for knocking us down on a public road and leaving us to die with our gushing wounds while the Chinese newspaper photographers snapped away at our dying moments.

But seriously, gratitude is not something to be taken lightly. In fact, there are more than a hundred things you can be grateful for in any day, that it’s ludicrous how much energy people use up in maintaining their mindset of negativity and pessimism. Perhaps it’s just a protective veneer against the disappointments of life. If you expect nothing, you won’t get hurt or feel let down. Well, expecting nothing is fine as long as you are pleasantly surprised when something goes well. If however, you only expect the worst of every situation and everyone, well, I can only say this kind of life is not very much worth living. You are suffering already in the anticipation of suffering. Worse, the expected negative outcome has not yet even occurred. Like, how pointless is that?

So, to demonstrate how easy it is to be grateful, I’m presenting here my grateful list, a thank you to everyone and everything I can think of right at this moment:

1. My wonderful dog, Ginger, who is always pleased to see me and whines with happiness at day’s end when I’m home, even though I am prone to long periods of ignoring her or neglecting her when I’m rushing out for errands. Your forgiving acceptance never ceases to warm me inside, my loving pooch.

2. The waiter who smiles and nods at me while awaiting my drinks order, each day I pick my favourite spot at the coffee-shop near home.

3. The fish-paste noodle vendor who greets me with a warm “Good Morning” and remembers my standard order of dry vermicelli with extra chilly even though I only eat at his stall once a week.

4. The sales assistant at Baker’s Cottage who recognises me when I frequently pick up my cream custard puff at least twice a week at her workplace and asks “not having the puff today?” when I pick up something different instead.

5. My gym instructors for being so upbeat every week and motivating us with their energy and infectious cheerfulness. Guys, you bring a smile to a lonely girl’s day.

6. Those birds at the backyard who wake me up each morning with their shrill chirps and trills. Yes, you sure are noisy and you frequently worry me because I have to shoo you away lest you perch on the awning bars above and poop on my clothes-dryer. Yet, hearing your singing reminds me why I am grateful to be alive and your presence lets me know the world is still beautiful and worth a song.

7. That little baby who smiled at me over in Oriental Cravings in One-Utama on Christmas Day. I love that mischievous knowing smile you gave me. Thank you for showing me that there are some really beautiful babies in the world.

8. My neighbour who lives three doors away who frequently lights incense and rings his prayer bell when worshipping his Hindu deity at the garden altar. You remind me of the strength of spirituality and the beauty of prayer in a world obsessed with materialistic possessions and form.

9. The garden weeds (yes, even my weeds!) for growing wildly on my front lawn and giving me an excuse to buckle down for some gardening and getting in touch with nature again. No thanks to you, I have blisters on my fingers, but without you I wouldn’t have spent so much time outside in the company of my dog, breathing the smells of the earth mixed with dog poop.

10. The waste disposal team who diligently removes our house-to-house garbage come rain or shine. Guys, I have seen you at your job during a rainstorm, and you unflinchingly continue your work with not even a raincoat on. You people are awesome, I salute you.

11. My ex-classmates who remember me and add me on Facebook. It means a lot that you still remember me after 20 years, you wonderful lunatics.

12. My gynaecologist who discovered my condition and performed the hysterectomy – you have given me freedom from period pain and returned my life to me. Thank you.

13. My ex in-laws who continue to keep in touch, my sis in law, nieces in law, thank you for your well wishes, photos and concern for me. It means a lot that you care and still show it. It’s funny how you never realize how special those people beside you are, until they are no longer in your life. You touch my heart with your warmth and acceptance. I am humbled by it.

14. Great colleagues who genuinely care for me and are concerned for my well-being. You don’t know how much your support and compassion means to me. It is really true that in times of crisis, you will get to know who your real friends are.

15. My ex-boss for her support and belief in me. Truly, I’m not sure what I did to deserve your faith and trust in me. You always seem to think me capable of greater and bigger things, and for that I am forever grateful.

16. My role models, Aunty M and Mr L. One a godmother, the other another ex-boss. Your love, support, values and integrity inspire me and each day I strive to live in accordance to those principles and the example of greatness you set for me.

17. My best friends who have seen me through the worst times, watched all my relapses, and continue to believe I am wise, spiritually awakened and have a “beautiful heart”, who continually support me and tell me I did the right thing and they are proud of me, I can only thank you for your great empathy and compassion, for your patience and kindness, and if there is a God or Higher Self, I can only thank Him for manifesting you in my life at a time of great need. You are a blessing, truly.

18. All other artists in the world – Jay Chou, for giving us the gift of his wonderful music. Celebrated writers like David Viscott, Eckhart Tolle, Laura Day, Deepak Chopra, John Gray – your writings are a beacon in a time of darkness, please continue your inspiring works.

19. The discoverers of the cocoa bean and coffee beans, who concocted the most mouthwatering foods and beverages of today. Yours was indeed a great gift to mankind. It is difficult indeed, nay, unimaginable, to inhabit a world bereft of the joys of chocolates and coffee.

20. My mother, for her effort in bringing me up single-handedly. Thank you for all you had to go through for us.

21. All readers of this blog, thank you for your support and for staying with me through this whole article and for following my posts all this while.

Happy New Year to all.

I love Christmas. I’m sure it has great spiritual meaning to the Christians. It is, after all, a celebration of the birth of their Saviour. For the rest of us, Christmas brings a certain reverence to the year end. It is the only holiday that is celebrated across all cultures and religions. Even atheists participate in the gift-giving and revelling. You don’t have to be a Christian to wish someone a Merry Christmas. The person you’re wishing it to doesn’t have to be Christian to say “Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you, too”.

There’s something about Christmas in December that’s magical, nostalgic, romantic and inspiring at the same time. Sure, we love those Christmas trees, twinkling stars, gaily-wrapped presents, chuckling Santas, singing carolers and red-nosed reindeers, and those other Christmassy stuff like candles, holly, angels, bells, wreaths, turkey dinners, Christmas pudding and Nativity plays. Not forgetting those wonderful Christmas songs.

And yet beneath all that surface festivity and holiday revelry, there is a sense of inner joy and peace, an anticipation for the year ahead. It is a time of contemplation and introspection. A time to reflect on the year past and how you’ve grown, the milestones you passed, people you met who made a difference to your life, challenges you faced, fears conquered, bridges crossed, changes you adapted to or survived, losses you suffered or have outgrown. Basically, how you have evolved in your journey since Dec 25th last year. Yes, when you get in touch with your inner self, you discover many profound truths.


It is also a time of gratitude. When you reflect on what you have, and realize that there is indeed abundance in this world. If you sit and count your blessings, you will find that you possess many gifts that you take for granted. I do this exercise a lot. It’s called “Packing your Trunk” and it’s from Laura Day’s book, “Welcome to your Crisis”. It goes like this:

Pretend that you were given another new life to start again. Make a list of what you would take from this life into your new life. You are only allowed to bring along things you actually have, not something you have already lost. You can bring things, people, situations or ways of being. Throughout the year, as you acquire new skills or things, you can add them into this list.
A sample list may look like this:

A) Ways of being:
1. The body that you have today – your health and your looks
2. Your skills and talents – your gifts of communication, intuitiveness, ability to inspire friends, colleagues or family, your intelligence and wit, sense of humour, nurturing or healing ability, your skill at your job, any DIY skills you possess, even your ability to type, tell stories, make people laugh or just put strangers at ease, being a good parent, etc.
3. Artistic – your creativity and imagination whether in cooking, composing music or poems, painting, creating works of art, writing or telling stories, any dance or musical ability, your great tastes in fashion or home decoration.
4. Character – your generosity, sincerity, your ability to emphathise, your inner strength, your principles and values you hold dear, self confidence, pragmatism, etc.

B) Things:
5. Material things like your house or your car.
6. Your career and the financial independence it provides
7. Your intellectual knowledge gained from education and wisdom/maturity from your experiences
8. Any other achievements you have had

C) People/situations:
9. Memories of love shared in past relationships and appreciation of the love in the current relationship
10. Appreciation of your family – their wholehearted acceptance of who you are and their support in your life’s journey and their unwavering love and faith in you
11. Friendships with co-workers and colleagues, best friends who understand and support you and provide you the gift of their understanding and time.
12. Your acceptance and forgiveness of the past and the lessons you have learned from it

As you can see, the list is endless. Of course, your own list will look very different. And there may be many more bullet points than the meager twelve listed above. The beauty of it is, when you look back on this list, you realize that in the journey you have travelled thus far, you have indeed amassed many valuable gifts. With these gifts, you are more than equipped to handle the many Christmases you have ahead of you. And there is no limit to the number of items you can add on to this list in the future. In fact, you can make it a ritual to revisit this list every Christmas and see what new items you can add on to it or whether you can improve on any of the existing items. Better yet, these gifts can be shared and used to serve others. Not only in the spirit of Christmas, but also throughout the year.

And in line with this, I’d like to share a poem that I received through the email. Enjoy, those who have not seen it before:

Every day is Christmas when you have the kind of mind,
That stores up all the goodness and the sweetness it can find.
When you don't need an occasion, to spread a bit of cheer,
But just keep on a-giving, of yourself throughout the year.

Every day is Christmas, with a gaily wrapped surprise,
When you've learned to see the friendship, in someone else's eyes.
When you try a little harder, and complain a little less,
Holding fast to all the fervor of the faith that you possess.

Every day is Christmas, when you've found that you can be
More concerned with words like "you" and less with "I" and "me."
When it's fun to do a favor, and to lend a helping hand,
When being understood means less, than when you understand.

Every day is Christmas, with a beauty deeply cast,
When you find it doesn't matter, if you're first or if you're last.
When you can face your conscience, and be glad of what you are,
Then every day is Christmas, with a stable and a star.

-Anonymous


Merry Christmas to all and have a great 2009 ahead!

I remember the moment I was first bitten by the hallyu bug (the generally accepted expression is “struck by the hallyu wave” - however I was hit in a more subtle manner, hence the change of phrase) I was channel-surfing on Astro on a weekday in May 2006 when I had taken leave from work, and chanced upon one of the Dynasty channels. Stairway to Heaven was being aired, dubbed in Mandarin (the original Korean undubbed version is much better, as I was soon to find out).

The 2 protagonists, clad in what looked like wedding attire, were skating on an ice-rink, only they didn’t seem happy. Something (from a previous episode) had transpired, which caused the groom to toss away the ring (later, I found out it was an engagement ring which had not been used as the “bride” had unfortunately, run out of the engagement party before the announcement could be made to all those present). The groom then changed his mind, picked up the ring, declared it a friendship ring, and promptly placed it on the finger of the bride. But they both looked like they very much wanted to be more than friends. They then proceeded to celebrate that friendship by skating hand-in-hand, then sealed it with a passionate kiss on the skating rink. It was something the groom wanted to do before they became friends. And that, was what got my curiosity piqued.

Mind you, I was one of those who turned up my nose at these daytime soap operas. I thought Korean love stories were trash for bored housewives who had nothing better to do in the hours between preparing lunch and getting ready for dinner. I was more into CSI and those prime-time investigative shows. I thought Winter Sonata was cheesy, and the male protagonist looked even more feminine than the female protagonist. I was not into simplistic storylines with bland characters and repetitive dialogue. I wasn’t going to waste my time watching Stairway to Heaven, I had better things to do with my time. I was 34 and married. I had been in a relationship long enough to be cynical about the adrenalin rush of the initial stages of romance and how it would all mellow down later on. I refused to even participate in my friends' daily debates where they would discuss the plot and speculate on what would happen in the next episode. “Do you think she really loves him?” “Of course!” “Then why did she run out of the engagement party?” “Because she didn’t want to get in the way of his career,” and they would go on and on while I bit my tongue and resisted making snide remarks.

But that all changed the moment I set eyes on an actual episode. The soundtrack was awesome (both dramatic and oh so romantic at the same time, really appropriate to the tone of the series), the set was beautiful, everything about the production spelled class. I knew I was on to something. But first, a confession. I’m a female and as every female who watches these serials will tell you, the male lead is very important to us. We have to feel some attraction for him in order for the spell to work. And no, I didn’t feel this pull the first time I saw the lead, which was played by Korean heart-throb Kwon Sang Woo (incidentally, he did not look feminine at all). However, I didn’t realize he was soon to become my first Korean love. And I was about to fall off my very high horse from which I had been judging my bunch of hallyu-converted friends.

(Note to those who have not yet watched Stairway to Heaven: There are spoilers ahead and you may want to skip the following 8 paragraphs.)



The plot for Stairway to Heaven (STH) was simple: 2 childhood friends, meant for each other, fall in love and promise to meet again when the boy (incidentally, also an heir to a mega business empire) goes abroad to further his studies. Fast forward 2-3 years, they are now grown up and it is time for the girl to join the boy overseas. However, her conniving stepsister (who also has an eye on the boy and his future inheritance) prevents her from a crucial meeting with the boy at the airport. A fluke accident happens and the girl loses her memory. Boy is heartbroken and left to grieve her supposed death. Girl is taken into the care of her stepbrother (who also happens to be in love with her), given a new name and takes on a new life. She has no memory of her lost love and believes herself in love with her stepbrother. She is told her parents died in a fire and she struggles with remorse as she has no memory of her childhood.

Fast forward to present, boy is back from abroad to take on the business as planned. He has grieved for 5 long years, never having gotten over his love and his loss. He runs into girl by chance (and this is where the good stuff begins), is amazed at the likeness, and proceeds to pursue her (you will love how he does this). She is perplexed at this stranger’s behavior (remember, she has no memory of him at all), but he perseveres, trying in vain to bring her memory back. She resists, and he engineers a cunning, ingenious plan to have her join his company. Through all this (many romantic sequences where he tells her of his childhood love and takes her back to places they played together while growing up), he finally comes to accept that she is not who he thought her to be. Nevertheless he still finds himself falling in love with her (by this time, if you are female, you would have already fallen in love with him. Seriously, I kid you not).

She in turn, finds herself falling for him against her better judgement (how can anyone blame her?) but keeps her emotions in check so as not to hurt her present stepbrother-boyfriend. (a note here lest all this is perceived to be incestuous: The stepbrother is not a blood relative, and was the son of girl’s stepmother when her dad married a 2nd time. Girl’s dad married a vixen who had 2 children from a previous marriage. Aforesaid vixen is the wicked stepmother in this sad Cinderella tale. Confusing? Then don’t try to comprehend this and just take my word for it that there is no incest in this tale)

In an unexpected turn of events, girl is nearly knocked down by a car, survives and regains her memory. She is reunited with boy (another romantic sequence where he seeks confirmation that she is indeed his long-lost love), but he is disowned from his inheritance for choosing to be with her. See, his mother already has his marriage planned to someone else. Like the great guy that he is, he chooses the girl over money. Knowing how much his dreams (taking over & expanding the family empire) mean to him, girl pleads with him to return to the company, promising him they will find a way to be together. Then wham, girl finds out she is afflicted with terminal illness. As is befitting of true love, boy insists on being with her to the very end, involving many heart-wrenching sequences of girl trying to hide the truth from him, boy’s discovery of the tragic circumstances surrounding her illness, their marriage and their inevitable final good-bye.

Of course, when you think of it, STH was a drama typical of many of the clichéd plots of Korean serials at the time (STH was produced in 2003). Childhood friends meant for each other, check. Amnesia, check. Terminal illness, check. The characters were also pretty one-dimensional. The villains were evil to their very last hair, the protagonists sweet and pure, noble and gallant. Yet what made the series so successful was the execution by the 2 leads, the tight pacing of the storyline and the successful combination of the soundtrack with the critical moments of the story. If you jumped in and watched it halfway through the show, you would have found it a tad melodramatic. But if you watched it from the very first episode, you’d find yourself rooting for the protagonists (especially the male lead) all the way. Of course, you’d have to suspend logic a little as to the circumstances surrounding the first “death” and why the male lead did not investigate further instead of just accepting it and suffering 5 long years. The emphasis of the story was on the circumstances the leads found themselves in, and the ensuing emotions those circumstances caused.

Personally, I liked this story for a few reasons of my own:
1. The male lead’s unwavering love. Through it all, our long-suffering male lead never wavered. He loved, lost, loved and tragically lost again. Yet he remained strong and true, steadfast till the end. Sure, he wept. But that never detracted from his masculinity. You didn’t feel he was a wuss for the tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t get involved in fist-fights or bar-brawls, yet you knew he would fight with his life to save the girl anyway he could. Beneath his expensive suits, you knew he was a sinewy, muscled tough guy strong enough to take on any WWE wrestler. One that was sensitive enough to shed tears and declare that the girl was more important to him than his career, his dreams, even his own mother.

2. The guy’s single-minded pursuit of his girl when he first ran into her back in Korea, and the look on his face when she said she didn’t know him. He ran on foot after the bus she got on to get away from him (you will just melt watching this), he pursued her when she was in a train (telling himself he’d never let her leave his side again), he drove again beside her bus to catch a few last glimpses of her when she resigned from his company (thereby intending to leave his side forever). He never gave up against all the odds. This was a guy who had not moved on 5 years after his lover had “died” in an accident.

3. The gallantry and courage of this guy. When he believed his girl was in love with the stepbrother-boyfriend, he was willing to let her go so that she would be happy. Even when he knew of her terminal disease, he never left her side, determined to stay with her till their final moments together. How many men could deal with that?
(end of spoilers)

Admittedly, it didn’t hurt that Kwon Sang Woo was, and still is, a hunk. He has a great build (oh, those strong, wide shoulders), a body to die for (with the tightest abs you’ve ever seen on a man), a wonderful voice and boyish smile, and his looks would have you keeling over from his hotness. In many sequences of STH, he appeared immaculately dressed in black power-suits, surrounded by bodyguards clad in black. He was the CEO and he emanated power, charisma, magnetism, and yet he was vulnerable, his eyes hiding the deep hurt from the loss of his childhood love. He played the piano, he did magic tricks. He was arrogant yet that was a veneer to hide his sensitive soul. You sensed there was more to him than his outward insolence and total disregard for social niceties. He was desired by all the women in his company and could have had a free choice yet he hankered for a girl he had known since he was 10. A large following of women fell in love with Kwon Sang Woo just from watching STH. He was the boyfriend every female longed to have.

STH touched the depths of my soul and re-awakened parts of me I never knew existed. It was heart-wrenching to know that after all the 2 leads had gone through, they would have to part. I cried so hard that on several occasions I had to put the DVD on “Pause” to compose myself. The tissues I used to mop up my tears filled the waste-basket and ended up in a snowy pile at my feet. In the office the next day, colleagues would look at me in concern (my puffy swollen eyes gave me away) and ask if I was coming down with the flu or whether I had slept the night before. I wept more in those few short days of watching STH that I had cried in the last 10 years. The series made me feel as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest, pummeled and stepped upon. I felt raw, vulnerable, yet strangely, human again. Above it all, STH had connected me to my emotions and thawed me from inside. I realized how cold I’d been before and through all that crying, believe it or not, had grown into a more compassionate person. The series led me through anticipation, joy, despair, anguish and grief. It was the first Korean serial I watched in full, and I’ve been told, it’s one of the saddest ones on the market. Perhaps, it would have been easier if I’d started on a romantic Korean comedy instead.

Yes, STH changed my life. I never watched CSI again after that. I wearied of the false glamour and strutting pretentiousness of the characters and contrived plots that engaged your mind but not your heart. STH changed Kwon Sang Woo’s life too. It launched his career and he instantly became one of the most popular hallyu stars at home and abroad. On Sept 28th this year, he married his girl-friend in a low-key ceremony attended by family and close friends. I wish him a happy-ever-after.

As for watching Korean serials, I wisely made sure to watch more Korean comedies sans dramas after that. I was more deeply affected than the friends I’d scoffed at. Lesson learnt? Never judge until you’ve travelled the road yourself. STH left me depressed for a month after I concluded the series. Knowing the characters were not real and that Kwon Sang Woo was merely acting his part did nothing to ease the despondency. Thank goodness the melancholy subsided after a while, although I nursed a subsequent half-year crush on Kwon Sang Woo (along with the legion of his other female fans). We have to realize that we can only cry so much from watching TV. Some of the tears, we have to save for our own personal tribulations.

But don’t just take my word for it, go pick up the DVD and judge for yourself (click on the link here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkjX6od4plw to get a preview of this magnificent series). Just remember, watch at your own peril. Your tear-ducts are going to be in for a vigorous workout. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Have you ever wondered why some people are just almost always happy with themselves even how much they are being let down by circumstances? Well, if you do not yet know, let me tell you. In fact, the answer lies in something called "perception". Probably, I could have very well named the title of my post today as "Perceiving Positively", but well, I thought that "Thinking Positively" would perhaps be better understood.

To me, nothing happens by chance. Everything that happens at every moment in time depends on the cumulative decision made by every particle in the Universe, including those of yours and mine. Hence, any event that happens to happen to someone could also probably happen to someone else, if the Universe decides as such. Remember, we are all part of the Universe, thus we also play a role in determining every decision the Universe makes at any one time.

What has this got to do with thinking positively, you may ask. Well, an event that occurs at a particular instance in time could probably affect two or more individuals. If this is so, then it boils down to how the individuals involved are going to perceive such an event. Let me give you an example.

Imagine a situation where your car broke down in the middle of a highway on a busy Saturday afternoon. You have, say, your spouse and two kids in your car as well. So, here is an event that is going to be affecting four individuals at the same time. If, say, one or more of you gets overly frustrated that all he/she talks about at that time is complain about how hot (or cold) the weather is, or how the other is being such a dumb ass to not be able to do such simple things as to service his/her car regularly, or that he/she is missing out on all the fun that has been planned for the day, or... you name it. Then I would call such a person as a negative perceiver. This also applies to anybody who has their minds focused on the problem, but not the solution to the issue.

If however, any of you is focused on finding a solution to the problem that all of you are facing at that time, which is of course the fact that your car has broken down, then I would call such persons as positive perceivers. You would think that it's hard to be perceiving things positively, but think again. If you spend just a little more effort thinking about how you are going to solve your problem, and if you just try to think about the goodness you are receiving at the moment you face such "problems", you will soon find yourself perceiving things positively. For this example, I could think of a few solutions, where you or your spouse would probably be searching for some contacts of mechanics in her purse, or finding alternative transport to ferry the kids off, or try getting someone to help start the engine if it's an engine problem, etc. There are always ways to solve problems, and there are always problems to solve. To the negative perceiver, an issue is being perceived as a problem, while for the positive perceiver, the same issue is being perceived as a challenge for him/her to solve. Do not dwell on the problem, but focus your minds on the solution, and when a solution is achieved, be happy about it and never analyse the issue again to find faults with anybody. You may want to analyse the issue to find out how to better handle such issues again in future, but never to find faults.

Also, whatever the situation that you are being put through, it is always a good thing to thank the Universe for granting you such a situation in the first place. You might feel that the Universe is punishing you with the break-down, but try thinking of the break-down as some event that probably you can learn from and be a better person. You might probably learn from this example that you would try to include your car servicings into your busy schedule, while your spouse might learn to remind you to do so. With this perception, you would thank the Universe for granting you such an event where, if it never happened to you, you will never improve to the person you will be in the future. Then one day in the future, you would look back and thank the Universe again for the event that made you who you are then.

I acknowledge that I may not be the smartest of kinds, and when it comes to certain things, I would fail horribly. But remember also that everyone has their own sets of areas with which they are weak at. Even the world-renowned Physics mind of his time, Einstein, failed in his marriage. There are numerous examples around you where you would find really smart people failing to do simple things in life. You might be one of them. You could be great at doing certain things, but in other areas, which may seem simple enough to other people, you fail.

There is nothing wrong with you. To be perceiving things positively, you should view yourself as someone unique and acknowledge that you are good at doing the things you are good at, but also acknowledge that you have areas with which you are really bad at doing. Communicate your weaknesses to your spouse and children, and hope that they still would accept you as who you are. Similarly, have faith about your spouse and children being great people who have their own sets of strengths, and accept their weaknesses as part of their character.

I will reserve faith or belief to another blogpost.

My blog today is a little controversial. I am listing my biases. An inventory of pet peeves, whether reasonable or not, my irrational judgements based on my own knowledge and experiences. Yes, they will annoy you if you don’t agree with them. You will wish you knew my identity so you could throw eggs at my face. But save your eggs first, you may find yourself agreeing with me.

So here goes, listed below please find my itemised peeve list, in no particular ranking or order:-

Bias #1: Superstitions
I think superstitions are created by fearful, ignorant minds. This is my pet theory: people are superstitious because they mostly lack knowledge, and have not had access to an education that provides simple explanations of the science of daily life, and do not watch documentaries like “Mythbusters” and “How do they do it” on Astro’s Discovery Channel. That’s why they look back to ancestral, archaic beliefs and ways of doing things, and so they fear ghosts, believe in mediums, never discuss death, avoid attending funerals if they possibly can, abstain from consuming prawns and mutton during their pregnancies, try not to visit a woman in confinement who has not passed the 30th day after childbirth, don’t cut their fingernails after sundown, believe that washing toilets will affect their ability to make their fortunes (this is mainly for the men) and so on. These are the same people who live in houses numbered “888” and drive cars with number plates “8888”. They’ll number the 14th floor of any building as 13A so that the residents of the floor will not die early on in life. These hapless people are living Dark Age beliefs in a New Age world. Knowledge is power and the less you know, the more you fear. So the ignorant fall back on superstitions or traditional myths to cope with their fears.

Bias #2: Chocolate
I have a thing against men who cannot consume Milo or any other chocolate based products without getting heaty (a traditional Malaysian term to denote the body’s tendency to fall ill due to excessive yang energy. Yes, this is of the Yin and Yang energy theory). I think they’re sissies. Or maybe, I should just say they have a wussy constitution. OK, it’s true. This is pretty unreasonable. Some people have a chocolate intolerance. The Chinese, in particular. They really don’t know what they’re missing out on. Choc-fudge brownies, ice-blended mocha shakes, mud pies, chocolate chip cookies, Toblerone or Hershey’s, or even plain hot steaming mugs of cocoa come to mind. Why just the men, you ask? Well, I am more tolerant of the ladies because most of them have a more, shall we say, delicate state of health. They are more prone to pimples (a cataclysmic disaster, as compared to the same thing appearing on a man’s face) and are already subject to monthly highs and lows of their immune system due to their cyclical periods. Can we blame them if they have to avoid coffee, tea, chocolate sometimes? No, we can’t. The men have no excuse, you see. Their bodies don’t demand that they wear pads with wings that chafe their thighs every month, they don’t have to bear children or breastfeed them after forcing them out through a vagina that has to expand to 4 times (or is it more?) its original diameter. Yes, the men have it good. That’s why they’re sissies if they can’t drink Milo. (I have a face mask on if you’d like to throw your eggs now)

Bias #3: Dog Haters
People who fear or hate dogs- I think that’s just silly. Ok, ok, this is pretty far-out. It’s just an individual thing. But there are some who literally go to the ends of the world to avoid dogs, they cringe at the thought of a mutt putting its friendly paws on their thighs, they scream when a loving pooch comes near to have its head patted or its tummy rubbed by a human friend. How can you fear man’s best friend? They did not gain that title through a popularity poll or a one-million-dollar-best-friend naming contest. Dogs have saved human lives, helped the disabled, protected their masters from intruders and they shower you with unconditional love and acceptance. They don’t judge you and they are happy to just be with you. They whine with joy when you come home at the end of the day, they can sense when you’re sad. They don’t understand why you subject them to weekly baths and yearly visits to the vet for painful injections. But they do it anyway because they want to please you. In return, humans have been known to chain them in the sun and rain, starve them, douse them with hot water, stone them, some of us accidentally run over them and some people even eat them. We humans have a lot to learn from dogs, really. They could teach us a thing or two about loyalty, acceptance, devotion, unconditional love and friendship.

Bias #4: Whiners
People who whine but don’t act - they are just wasting their own time and the time of others who have to listen to their whining. Sure, you can empathise with some of their problems, but these people complain about everything. There is always something wrong going on with their lives. They hate their in-laws, they’re overworked, they couldn’t find a parking space, they were caught in the jam, they didn’t get the egg in their bowl of prawn noodles, they didn’t win the grand prize in the annual dinner lucky draw and so on. These are the people who complain about the government but don’t exercise their right to vote. They claim their thighs are fat, but they don’t exercise. They say traffic is bad but they don’t want to get up early and leave their homes an hour earlier each morning. They say their job is boring but once they’re promoted they say the work is too stressful. They say their spouses don’t appreciate them but they don’t take the initiative to communicate their needs. They wish everything and everyone else would change but themselves. My friends, there are people in the world dying of cancer, bed-ridden, sexually abused as children, prostituting themselves to make ends meet. They would love to exchange their struggles for yours. Sometimes all it takes is a different perspective to see things as they really are. If you feel that powerless to change all that is negative in your life, then just change yourself. Mahatma Gandhi once said “Be the change you want to see in the world”. Think about that.
And lastly,

Bias #5: Patriarchy, specifically the preference of sons over daughters
There are many people who prefer having sons to daughters. This outdated belief comes from our patriarchal society which defines that men are the stronger gender, the leader wielding authority over women and children. Why is this belief so pervasive in spite of our recognition of the importance of equal rights for women? What can a son do that a daughter can’t? Carry the family name? What’s grand about that? Names are just labels. We are all of the human race. Short of having different ways of answering nature’s call and donning underwear of differing thicknesses, how is having a son different from having a daughter, really? Are they not your flesh and blood too? Were they not painstakingly carried for 9 months in the womb and then forced out through painful labour too? Why should one gender be honoured over the other? Aren’t we merely 2 different sides of the same coin? It is this kind of old-fashioned thinking that is carried down from one generation to another, the same prejudices passed down from parents to their children. Worse, some women actually believe themselves inferior to men. They feel they cannot survive without male protection, and perpetuate these values to their own daughters. These same women tell their daughters to do the housework while the sons watch TV. In extreme cases, education funds are saved for the sons while their daughters are not prioritized since they will be the “property” of their husband’s family once they are married off, anyway. I forget, what century are we in now?

OK, so I have judged my fellow human beings, by my own distorted standards. I’m aware I have neither the right nor the authority to do this. As I said, these are just my own biases. You have yours too, the only difference is you don’t list them down so I don’t know what they are. We all have our prejudices, and we apply them unconsciously on the people we meet, on our friends and colleagues, even our loved ones. If we could face our own biases, then we perhaps can understand ourselves more. And perhaps within that understanding, we could open our minds and hearts to be a little more accepting and tolerant of the diversity in the world? So why don’t you join me today. Grab a sheet of paper, list down your biases, question their reasonableness, and ask yourself if you are judging others today. If you are, are you prepared to make a conscious change within yourself to un-judge?

Do you have a motto you live your life by? A personal slogan? A maxim that summarises your attitude and beliefs, the principles and values you uphold and apply to all aspects of your life? Look into yourself and find that personal mission statement. Try it and see.

This is your internal dictum, the adage with which you conduct yourself. You could have unconsciously put it together from watching your parents as you grew up, you could have been inspired by a movie or an autobiography of a hero who struggled and succeeded against the odds, or maybe you just have a role model you observed in your early years and whom you are trying to emulate.

So, can you find it? Do you know what it is? Or have you merely been living your life on auto-pilot, tailoring your actions and choices to the approval and opinions of others, following what society has mapped out for you, living without questioning the norms and values your elders, parents, religion, race, community, partner impose on you? Are you where you are today because of your own choices? Or did you live up to this moment today based on others’ expectations? Are you only happy with what and where you are today because you have made everyone else happy in the process? Do you even know what your values are? Or are your principles flexible, bending with the will of others or at the convenience of the situations you find yourself in?

Ah, I have got you thinking now. You wonder what your slogan is. You can’t sit still until you figure out what it is. Well, go ahead and do that. You are going to discover yourself in the process.

To get you started, I have listed a few of my own, compiled from various authors and sources:

1. Be your own person. (this is my personal favourite) Make your own choices, face the consequences of these choices, live your own life, find your own way. Life is too short to please all of the people, all of the time. You may as well please yourself, and save the energy otherwise spent blaming others for your misery.

2. Live with integrity. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. As Oprah Winfrey puts it, “Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not.”

3. Always do your best. Give the best in everything you do, so that you will not regret what you did not do. What shame is there in failure when you have given it your best shot? At least you have pushed your limits, and discovered your own personal record to be broken at your next attempt.

4. Seek the good in others. Rudyard Kipling, famous poet and author of “Jungle Book” once said “I always try to believe the best of everybody- it saves so much trouble.” Indeed.

5. Be grateful. Rejoice in the gift of each new day, be thankful for music, flowers, the stars and the love of friends. Breathe and be fully present in the moment, be grateful for the gift of yourself.

6. Let others be free. Free others to love you, or not. Let them choose to accept you, or reject you. Allow them to agree with you, or dispute your opinions. When you control others, you lose only your own freedom.

So, are you inspired to find your own slogan? If you reach a dead-end and find you have no motto, fret not. Just create one today. Make it your best. And most importantly, live up to it. Be aware of it, breathe it, feel it and practice it. Make a promise to yourself to remember your motto when you are making your next New Year’s resolution.

And as a special treat for today, I leave you with one of my favourite poems, a poem entitled "The Man in the Glass" by Dale Wimbrow originally written in 1934, a verse containing timeless truths about integrity:

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that person has to say.

For it isn't your Father or Mother or Wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

Amen to that.

Have you ever come across an article that spoke directly to your heart, amazed you with the wisdom of its contents, gave you the clarity to see through the fog of your muddled moments and inspired you to be the best you could ever be? I received this enlightening article on the net from my dear mum 4 years ago. It may have a different effect on you each time you read it, depending on what stage of life you’re at and where your journey has taken you. Nevertheless, it is too good to remain unshared and even if you’ve seen it before, it is still worth a thousand re-readings. As I am unaware of its origins, I cannot credit the writer or author, blessed be his/her soul.
Appended below for you to partake and enjoy….


THE AWAKENING

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it…when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.
This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow”. You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about: how you should look and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop; where you should live or what type of car you should drive; who you should sleep with and how you should behave; who you should marry and why you should stay; the importance of having children or what you owe your family.

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practised to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK…. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10”; or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare.
And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval. Then you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving”. And you recognize the importance of “creating and contributing” rather than “obtaining and accumulating”. And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about – a full refridgerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.

And then you begin to love and to care for yourself.
You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviours including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learnt that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest.
And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through clean, and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns: anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burnt at the stake.
Then you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations.

And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself”.
Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals:
and now all new things are possible. Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God.... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learnt that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time….FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY ….the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honour and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Like I said, a great article. Wherever you are in your life, may you find your peace.

Footnote: I managed to identify the author of this great piece. Her name is Sonny Carroll and this is her website where you can find more of her inspirational compositions http://www.herlifebydesign.com/

The fruit seller at my office cafeteria asked me why I was late last week. He grinned when I told him I’d missed the train and consequently, the shuttle bus to my office from the central train station. A local radio DJ had commented about KTM Komuter, the notorious train service I use daily for about 6 years now. This DJ said that passengers were considered lucky if they were able to board the trains within the first 3 tries they pulled in at the platform. Was this true, my fruit seller asked me.
Well, yes and no.


Firstly, the train services are erratic. They come at anything between 10 minute to half hour intervals, although the official promise made to the public in May 2008 was 20 minute intervals. So your first 3 tries would theoretically range from 30 to 90 minutes.

Second, when the train is late due to the usual unexplained “technical failures” morosely announced over the speakers, the waiting crowd doubles and triples. They are left stranded as most are already late and there is no alternative transportation as the traffic jam has reached critical levels due to the late hour. Moreover, the waiting taxis would not ferry you to your office in town given aforesaid traffic jam.

Consequently, there is a mad rush to board the train when it finally arrives because
a) you are not sure whether the next train will arrive and if it will, what time that would be and
b) you have waited at least 45 minutes and are already running late.

May I also say that when your 45-minute-late train arrives, it is already fully packed with people on stations before yours and you probably will have a hard time pushing yourself in through the doors. So we have a crowd of people pushing themselves into an already crowded 45-minute-late train, causing more delays as the train is unable to leave the station or close its doors to continue on its journey. Then those who are left behind are advised to take the next train which is supposed to arrive 20 minutes later. So 45 minutes drags to beyond an hour. And this is not counting the time it will take you to arrive at your destination the moment you have successfully boarded the train.

All of this happens on any given weekday, whether during peak hours or not, and especially when it has rained heavily one or two hours ago. Most Malaysians have already resigned themselves to the situation and those who can afford it, would rather drive their own cars than be subject to this daily frustration.

But that all changed during the recent fuel price hike. The government has urged Malaysians to “change their lifestyle” and using public transport has to be one of the ways. So we have more people now squeezing onto the erratic, irregular, frequently- delayed-due-to-breakdowns-and-technical-failure trains. Tempers flare, the crowd inside the train yells at those outside to stop pushing, there is no more space inside. Outside, the crowd shouts back, go further in, everybody wants to go home/get to work. There’s still lots of space, move on in.

Has the VIP who recently boarded the ERL to Putrajaya tried to get onto the KTM Komuter during rush hour? Did he experience the exhilarating bosom-to-bosom, butt-to-butt ride of traveling in a train for which he has been waiting for over 45 minutes? Public transport is definitely not for those who are claustrophobic, faint of heart, timid, or ultra-modest. You will be pushed, elbowed, sandwiched between strangers, yelled at if you are slow. On bad days your arms will be pinned to your sides and you will not even be able to lift your hand to flick your fringe away from your brow or scratch your cheek. Your immunity system had better be strong too as strangers will sneeze, cough in your face. Imagine two lovers leaning into each other, about to kiss. That’s how close you have to stand with strangers in the train.

So how do we survive this daily challenge of using the KTM Komuter? I have compiled a survival guide, for the newbie, which might also help some veterans of public transport.
First, get your expectations right.

1. Expect that your journey is going to take longer than private transport. Public transportation is unreliable in Malaysia, and always has been. Moreover, the KTM Komuter is not the Star-Putra LRT of Kuala Lumpur or MRT of Singapore. The trains move slower, they are driven by a human. Unlike the LRT, they will not come at 2 minute intervals. Don’t compare the trains to driving your own car. Even if you are driving and moving bumper-to-bumper on a jam-packed highway, it will still take you on average twice as long to commute to work and home when you are using public transport as opposed to driving your own car. That is the absolute truth. Accept that, and save yourself much pain.

2. Don’t expect the crowd to queue up in an orderly fashion like at the LRT stations. The trains are irregular and it’s each for his own. When resources are limited, humans will be out for themselves. It’s merely the rules of survival. If you queued up, you would lose your slim chance of boarding the packed train and god knows when you’d be able to reach your office. Who cares who came first? Nobody else queues anyway, and no one will listen to the KTM staff since they themselves are not even sure when the next train is going to arrive. If you don’t push in through the doors like the rest of the people, you are going to be in for a very long wait. And there are not many chairs at the KTM stations.

3. Don’t expect to have a place to sit. You’ll be lucky if you manage to get a standing space. Regardless of whether you’re pregnant, carrying your toddler, on crutches, don’t expect the average Malaysian to offer you his or her seat. In the first place, they fought hard to get into the train, and grab a seat. If you are pregnant, have your kids with you, are limping, they are probably thinking it serves you right that you are standing because you should have arranged for alternative transport. The train is already too crowded anyway for anyone to get up, move through the people around the seat, and empty the space for you to walk to the seat he or she was offering you. Malaysians are mostly tolerant, but not necessarily civic-minded. Kindness to strangers is totally optional. It depends on the individual’s values and you’re blessed if you’re on the receiving end of it.

4. Expect bodily contact, and lots of it. If you are the modest type who needs her own space, where nobody is allowed to come within a foot of you, forget about taking the train. You will be bumped into, leaned on, maybe even stepped on as the train grinds, stops, turns and winds along the track. People will lose their balance and grab your arm or anything they can find to avoid falling onto the floor. Men will brush past you through the narrow space between two bodies as they make their way to the door to exit the train.

OK, so assuming you now have your expectations right and are still game for using the KTM Komuter. Well, good for you and good luck to you.
Here is my lists of do’s to guide you along the journey:

1. At the station, take note of where the train stops and where the train doors open. Stick to this spot when you are waiting for the train. You will find this place when you have taken the train a few times. Standing at this spot will ensure you are right at the doors when the crowd is exiting the train, so you can be one of the first to enter, thereby assuring you of a place in the train. Of course, it goes without saying that you should always allow the crowd inside the train to exit the train first before you enter. (the announcer will frequently remind you of this)

2. If you are carrying a backpack, remove it from your back and hold the strap in your hand or put it on the floor at your feet. Due to our body structure, it’s the upper body that will occupy most space and there will be space around your legs for bags, backpacks and whatever it is you’re carrying. Strapping your backpack on your back instantly takes up room, adding bulk to your frame, and it robs another passenger of space in the train. Plus, you will be inconsiderately bumping into people if you had your backpack on, just by turning your body, and you won’t even know it since you won’t feel it.

3. Move into the middle of the trains, find any empty space that people have not filled. Many passengers, for reasons of their own, are reluctant to move in. So the crowd mills around and are squeezed in at the door areas. This waste of space in the train deprives more passengers outside of getting into the train.

4. Don’t be insecure about losing your balance if you are not near a place where you can find a railing or pole to hold on to. Many people refuse to move into the train as they have found a stable pole to anchor themselves to and are loathe to give away this prized spot to the incoming passengers. Realise that the train is not really that unstable. The trick is to go with the flow of the train, not remain still as a rock and resist swaying when the train moves. Wear flat shoes or heels, spread your legs about hip-width apart, and bend your knees when the train starts swaying. You will find you can keep your balance quite easily. If you wear heels, consider leaving them at the office and wearing flat soles when you’re commuting. It helps particularly when you break into a sprint whenever the train is pulling into the platform and you want to dash to get on it rather than wait another 20 mins for the next one to arrive.

5. If you are lucky enough to stand near a pole, remember please don’t lean on it. It helps you stabilize, true, but your body leaning on that pole is depriving another 4-5 people of hand-space to grab the pole for support, too. Also, don’t wrap your arm around the pole and hug it while reading the papers. This effect is the same as leaning on the pole, and your reading the papers is depriving others of much needed standing space.

6. If you are lucky enough to have found a place to sit, put your bags/parcels/laptops/books on your lap rather than on the floor. Also, keep your feet close to you and don’t spread them wide out while you nap. People who are standing need all the space they can get to stabilize themselves, especially if they have nothing to hold on to. You who are seated with your bags on the floor and legs spread wide are costing them the precious little space they have to stand comfortably.

7. If you are traveling with kids, try as far as possible to avoid peak hours. It will be that much more comfortable and less dangerous for your kids.

8. Try not to cough, sneeze, yawn, burp, fart or any other bodily functions that result in shall we say, emissions that cause the discomfort of other passengers. Remember, everyone is in an enclosed space and they have nowhere to turn their head to avoid you.

9. If you have an incoming call on your mobile, pick it up and be done with it as quietly as possible. Don’t talk at the top of your voice because nobody is really interested in your private matters, whether your child has just had breakfast or whether you’re going to be able to attend the company’s annual dinner. If you need to tell your dad about your performance evaluation with your new supervisor, save the bragging for when you’re back home. People are trying to sleep standing up and are imagining they are anywhere but in a sardine-packed train. Give them a break, they could really do with a little peace and quiet.

10. Do everyone a favour and save time by making your way to the doors 2 minutes before you reach the station of your destination. That way you can be out the doors the minute they open, instead of jostling with those who are outside and will start making their way into the trains when they see no one from inside is going to exit.

11. Lastly, practice tolerance and patience. Don’t lose your temper at those from outside pressing into the crowded train you’re already on. They are as desperate as you to get home, their time just as precious. If you’re outside, don’t lose your temper at those in the trains who are not moving in. They probably don’t realize there is still a lot of space to move in and they may be afraid to move away from the pole they’re clinging on to for dear life. Remember, we are all in the same situation and no one is to blame but the authorities and KTM itself. (don’t get me started on those in power who can do something about it and yet spend the taxpayer’s money to send a doctor to outer space to conduct some meaningless experiments)

Happy Commuting!

Laura Day in her book, Welcome to your Crisis, says “When a loss occurs we continue the unfinished business of mourning all the losses that we have experienced in our lifetime. We are never capable of digesting an experience completely, and every reminder or even reinjury gives us the opportunity to continue the process of healing our past.”

So who is Laura Day? This is an excerpt from her website:
Bestselling author Laura Day has spent over two decades helping companies as well as individuals use the power of crisis to create their dreams. Her global clientele include celebrities, scientists, business executives, and other professionals. Laura’s books include The Circle: How the Power of a Single Wish Can Change Your Life and the New York Times bestseller Practical Intuition. She speaks regularly both in US and abroad, and has appeared in numerous publications and on shows including CNN, The View, and The Oprah Winfrey Show.

I stumbled upon her book while browsing through the shelves of MPH. Ms Day’s celebrity clientele, by the way, include the likes of Brad Pitt, Demi Moore, Nicole Kidman and even Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York.

I share with you her words above, because they ring true with me. My recent divorce has brought back memories of my parents’ divorce. It is a story I never share with friends because it is part of a past which I deem unnecessary to divulge the details. Not because I am ashamed of it, but because I don’t think it is relevant to who I am today. Except of course, that I am wrong, I now realize, about my past being irrelevant. All our experiences shape who we are today. And I want to share my story.

My parents were separated when I was about 11. They had been married 13 years. The year after my younger sister was born, my mum discovered that dad was having an affair with a family friend. They’d been at it even before my sister’s birth. Mum had been suspicious for quite some time. One day she trailed my dad and finally caught them both in a car. I waited in the car with a relative/another family friend? (I can’t remember who it was) while my mum got out of the car and confronted them. What followed were rounds of interrogation, questionings, confrontations until my dad finally admitted to having the affair. My mother must have been devastated. She had had to grill Dad for the truth and it must have drained her to go through all that just to get him to admit what must have been excruciatingly painful to hear. Why did he bother to deny it anyway? Did he not have the courage to face up to his actions? I never asked him that. I was 11, I didn’t have the maturity to really grasp what was happening.

Things got really ugly after that. My mum is a proud, feisty woman. She does not take injustices and betrayal lying down. This was a woman’s nightmare, the cheating spouse. She had 2 children, one 11 and the other nearly 2. She was financially independent, but not comfortably well off. She was talented, responsible, articulate, intelligent, attractive. To what did she owe this turn of events? Laura Day in her book says there are 4 primary respondents to crisis. You are either a depression type, anger type, anxiety type or denial type. Sure, we all respond with a range of different behaviours, but you will essentially identify most with one set of behaviours. My mum was the anger type. I would have been the depression type. She responded the only way she knew how, she got even.

She hit and scratched my dad, once she even slapped him with her shoe. She stood in the middle of the road outside our home and holding a brick in her hand, she smashed his car headlights when he drove out into the night trying to escape another quarrel with her. They reconciled for a year, but things were never the same again. Once trust is lost, it is a slow process to gain it back. Then after a year my dad went back to his lover. The same one. I don’t know how my mum found out about it the second time, but she did. I wonder if it hurt more or less than the first time. My dad eventually moved out. My mum had wanted him to leave. It was not a dramatic thing, he just stopped coming home to sleep, leaving his stuff behind as they were.

Family friends, my godparents, had rallied around us. They tried to get my mum to patch things up the first time. They counseled her, took care of me while my mum went away to clear her head. They told my mother to give Dad a second chance for the kids’ sake. Old friends re-appeared and offered words of comfort to my mum. The truth came out. Dad had been cheating from the early years of his marriage. He’d been attached to the army in the early years and there was a woman even back then. A different woman with whom he had had regular flings. My sister, 9 years younger than I, was blissfully unaware, of course. She was only about 2-3 years old. I adored her. She was the saving grace. I was so glad my mum had her before all this happened. When the affair recurred with this present other woman, there was nothing else left to say. Mum decided she'd suffered enough. Divorce was the only option. I can totally understand. It would have been my choice, too.

There was a long road ahead. The other woman did not leave us alone. She sent my mother a cucumber “to help relieve herself”, accompanying the cucumber with a note of obscenities which we won’t go through here. My mother threw fresh cow dung into the other woman’s house late one night. We often received phone calls but when we picked them up, there was no reply at the other end, just a clicking of the tongue (was it her, implying we were a pitiful lot? Was she gloating over her victory at having won the prize, my dad?) For the record, the other woman had been a married woman too, with 3 children of her own. The eldest daughter was my age. When dad moved out, he went to live with her and her own husband moved out. Her 3 children lived with their mother and her new lover, my very own dad. To this day I am grateful that my mother never subjected us to that kind of mental torture.

My dad had left my mother with a mortgage to service on the house. They’d mortgaged it to finance his business. He wouldn’t agree to a divorce, leaving my mother to consult numerous lawyers who charged by the hour. They advised that a private investigator and visual evidence of the affair was necessary to charge him for adultery. The recession came on and my mother’s struggles intensified. The bank account was drying up, she had to pay for my tuition and exam fees, our cost of living, the loan repayments on the house. Dad re-appeared in our lives, bringing some money to help with our expenses. Not much, but my mother would take anything she could get of course. She forbade me to speak with him, so I never talked to him again. He came by and cooked in the morning. After school my mum (she was a school teacher) and I would come home and have lunch that he cooked (he cooked well, by the way) and he would fetch me to tuition. Then we would see him again the next day. My parents hardly talked unless my mum was asking Dad to bring back more money. How did I endure all this? Even thinking back right now is painful.

Mum went through her own version of hell, something I’m now only beginning to understand since my own divorce. She consulted mediums, switched faiths, took up palmistry, attended Mandarin classes, furthered her studies by taking up a professional course. Friends called often and she retold her story each time to those who didn’t already know. It must have been healing for her. I was going through my adolescent years and did not make things easy for her. She said I reminded her of my dad. She said I was an ungrateful, spoilt brat. I was resentful. I did not ask to be born, much less choose my parents. She constantly compared me to her colleague’s children and I couldn’t measure up. They were more brilliant, active, smart, more deserving of scholarships. When I had tiffs with class-mates, I confided in her. Later she would turn those words around on me, and say I was no better than the people I judged. I stopped sharing my thoughts with her. I often wished I had 2 parents, for Mum was very extreme in her thinking. I envied those who had their dads in their lives.

Finally it was time to further my studies. I chose to go through the capital city, and dad when he found out wrote me a cheque. I heard later that he stopped coming to the house. He also broke up with the other woman, met another divorcee, and moved in with her. Once on one of my semester breaks, my mum and I met him on the street. He looked well and I think he smiled at us. I said nothing.

Today it has been at least 18 years since I last saw him. Did I mention that I loved my dad? I really did. Mum was the disciplinarian, but he doted on me. Mum was the intellectual one, he was the athlete. I told everyone I thought he was the handsomest man in the world. And when they both stood together, my mum only reached his shoulders. Where Mum was harsh, he was gentle and forgiving. Case in point: I was a sickly child. I threw up a lot from the fevers and flus I was often plagued with. I remember once throwing up my medicine in the hall when I woke up from a fever. Mum would have gone berserk. My dad mopped up the mess and asked me how I was, feeling my forehead. I told him I was sorry for causing the mess. He said, “silly, you’re sick. What’s there to be sorry about?”

Being left by my ex has brought home the pain of my dad’s leaving. I wonder what I would say to my dad today. I wonder how he is, where he is, who he’s with, what he eats, what he looks like, the state of his health, whether he still smokes, if he thinks about me or even remembers me. These thoughts are my own, for I can’t share them with my family. My sister has next to zero memories of him and the past is too painful to be discussed with my mother.

What would I say to him if I saw him today? “Hi, Daddy?” I haven’t called him that in years. Would the words stick in my throat and choke me? Would I recognize him if I saw him? Would he know me? Should I hug him? Should I tell him I met someone whom I loved dearly for 16 years and that I was married for 3 years? Should I tell him I’m now divorced? That I’ve had a hysterectomy and can never have children? Would I ask him why he did what he did? Did he have no idea of the pain he put us through? I wonder if he thought out the consequences of what he was doing. Had he fallen in love or was he just satisfying the raging ache in his loins when he was with that woman? He left my mum an embittered woman, with a hard outer shell. She has never re-married or been able to trust again. I wonder what Dad would say to me.

I am aware my mother would view my thoughts of Dad as a betrayal of her love for me. She has been responsible, steadfast and strong where others would have faltered or given up. I admire her fortitude. I am thankful for her love, that she never abandoned us. But my dad cannot cease being my dad even though he has ceased to be her husband. Everything that has happened is in the distant past and we have to make peace with that which we cannot change. And I wish my dad well, wherever he is.

Have you found the love of your life? And are you with him now? How many loves have you had and lost before you found the love of your life?

Before you dismiss me as some romantic nitwit who watches one too many Korean dramas, let me give you some background of myself: I am in my mid 30s, a working girl, divorced, no kids. I was with my ex for 16 years. Ah, you say, so this is a male-bashing piece by some aggrieved female who was dumped by her spouse. I beg to differ. On the contrary, I am deeply in love with my ex. So hear me out.

I am sure most of us have fallen in love before. Helplessly, hopelessly, mind-numbingly in love. Do you remember how it was like, those of you who are now jaded, cynical, world-wise, street-smart? Has the initial passion dimmed? Is your other half now just merely a presence under the same roof? Do you only realize he’s home when his half side of the bed creaks under his weight when he climbs in under the covers long after you’re asleep? Have you forgotten what attracted you to her in the first place, and now find the person beside you unrecognizable from the youthful radiance you fell in love with?

Ask yourself, is there anyone else you’d rather be with? Does your love give you peace, just by looking at him? Haven’t you felt a warm contentment ever since she came into your life? Don’t you feel happier, safer whenever he’s around? Isn’t it a wonderful feeling to love and be loved? If you feel neglected and unappreciated, ask yourself what you have done lately for the love of your life.

I have always wondered at the serendipity involved in the pairing of humans. What are the chances that you are attracted to someone and lo, you find that person is similarly attracted to you too? Like, how cool is that? Nay, how probable is that? It’s like the old bartering system. You have rice, you need fish. How are you going to find that person who has fish, and happens to want rice too? Not only that, this person has to have the type of fish you are looking for (among all the mackerel, pomphrets, garoupas, tuna, sardines, errr… you catch my drift - that are available), and want to purchase the grade/type of rice you are selling. And yet, it happens, and very often too, judging by the red wedding card invitations we receive throughout the year.

So back to my question: are you with the love of your life? If you’re not, don’t give up, you’ll find your other half if you keep looking. (I’ll deal with you in one of my later blogs). If you are, lucky you. My blog today addresses you, this lucky population of humans who have met and are in steady relationships with the ones they love. 2nd question: Do you count your blessings and treasure every moment you share with the love of your life? Does she do the same too? Or are you both lost in the momentum of daily living, your work, the kids, their tuition, the babysitter, the bills, the traffic jams, your finances, your in-laws, your bodily aches and pains, your 1,001 perennial complaints/problems/annoyances?

How long have you been with each other? Do you even talk to each other anymore? Really talk about your concerns, share your dreams, your innermost fears, tell each other you care? Or are you both resigned to your roles as co-parents, filial sons and daughters, doting mums and dads? Do you eat in silence while the kids talk about their day? Do you tell each other how your day was? Do you hug each other in the morning before you go off to work in your separate cars to your separate workplaces? Do you make an effort to have dinner together on weeknights?

I bet most of you don’t. Or at least, a lot of you don’t. The kids have taken over your lives, haven’t they? They’re the priority. They need the most care. They’re more important than your life itself. They need all your attention, you say. Parenting is such a challenge, they sap away all your energy. Well, I say to you, your marriage is as important as your kids, and just as deserving of your attention as your children.

Trust me, I know. You don’t realize how much you love a person until you lose her. I love my ex deeply, unconditionally, unreservedly, unabashedly. I love his voice, his smell, his smile, the way he pronounces zero as “Jero” – a typical trait of the Chinese-eds, his sense of humour, his ability to DIY and fix almost everything, his gift in reading maps and always knowing how to get anywhere, his kampong-boy agility to climb tall mango trees to wrap the fruits without losing a step or experiencing vertigo, his uncanny ability to distinguish between the weeds in our garden and a chilly plant shoot that grew from my random tossing out of seeds during my cooking sessions. He can recognize a song from the introductory jingle of any tune, he took care of all the pests in the house, he took out the garbage without being asked. Can a person be so perfect? Well, no, he isn’t perfect. He’s far from it. But he is good enough for me. True, he’s no hunk, no Greek god, definitely not tall-dark-handsome material. But I loved his pooch, his stout chubby fingers, his small eyes, his pouty lips, the way the gap in his tooth became visible when he laughed, his smooth hairless legs and arms. His lack of height even worked in my favour. I could kiss his chin without having to tiptoe.

So why aren’t we together anymore? Because, I realize, love is sometimes not enough. I am unable to have children. A surgery for a regular fibroid removal became a hysterectomy. And the love of my life told me he could not imagine a life without children. Adoption was out of the question. He had no choice. We had to go our separate ways. I was stunned. My basic assumptions were torn asunder. If he loved me the way I loved him, divorce would never be an option. I would never have left him no matter the circumstances, except for maybe infidelity on his part. But no, divorce was way more acceptable to him than adoption. Sure, it hurt him too. But what could we do? There was no future with me for him if his life was not complete with his own biological kids. So I let him go. And now I’m picking up the pieces of a love that was lost, suddenly and unexpectedly, without warning, without preparation. It has been hell all the way. Oh yes, I am a fool for love. (That again, is to be dealt with in another blog).

So back to my point, the point of this blog. What I want to say is, treasure every minute you have with your love. You never know when it will end. Tell her you love the way she smiles, give him some perfume as a surprise gift on no particular special occasion, tell her you like the new earrings she has on, call him and tell him to come back early for dinner and cook one of his favourite dishes (it might be his mom’s special prawn recipe, but swallow your irritation and make the effort to cook it just the way your mom-in-law makes it anyway), take out the garbage for her or offer to help her scrub the toilet - don't believe that nonsense that men who clean the bathroom will never make their millions, give him a massage when he’s watching TV, hold hands and fall asleep together at bedtime on weekdays, sniff her neck/hair and tell her how much you like her smell, grab his butt and say you think he’s really sexy. Watch a football match together even though you think the game is a waste of time, go for a yoga class together even though you think it’s only for sissies. It’s these small things that really add up.

Cliché as it may be, staying in love takes work. You need to put in the effort to keep it alive. Leave it alone, neglect it, take any part of it for granted, too long, and it will wither away and die. Don’t stay together just for the kids. You are in it for the long haul.

This picture, taken by Kevin Carter during the Sudanese famine, shows a vulture waiting for the toddler to die before it could scavenge on his remains. This picture won the Pulitzer prize for Feature Photography in 1994.

While I do not question Carter's qualification for the coveted Prize (I actually respect him as a very talented photojournalist), I do have a few points for all to ponder.

If you look at the picture carefully, there's an overfed vulture, and a malnourished toddler. To me, this is an illustration of human suppression by animals, in this case, vultures.

I would think there was actually plenty of food in Sudan at the time this picture was taken, that is if the Sudanese would think it that way. Why is there shortage of food, when there are many such animals hovering about the vicinity? If a blowpipe, or gum-trap is readily available (which should not be too difficult to manufacture), the Sudanese will find themselves being well-nourished, since the vultures are a good source of protein and nutrients.

If water was a concern, why didn't these people think of how the Arabians survived in deserts? Planting cactuses, or some other plants or animals of that sort, would be able to solve their problem. Also, I think in such cases, international organisations such as the Red Cross or Red Crescent could help, not just by supplying medicine but also by exporting such products (blowpipes, gums, cactuses) when needed, which would probably be more beneficial to the Sudanese in the long run.

Do we have a global food shortage crisis today? The answer is easily no. These pictures published to the world are but a few illustrations hungrily expounded upon by a wrongly-motivated few who want to raise food prices in tandem with the profit of oil-producers. Remember some news about a family living in urban poverty, who share a meal of soya sauce and rice daily and one fish shared between the family members at night? Honestly, is it difficult to live by eating like this? There are a variety of ways to eat on a small budget. There are beans for protein, and various condiments to vary taste. When I am spending on a budget, I can eat a very low calorie meal. It is fine, I don't live to enjoy food. I eat to regulate my bodily function.

If you had a hunger pang, and you didn't immediately assuage your tummy, what would happen? After this first experience with gastric, the next time you eat at odd hours again, you will find that you produce less gastric acid. By producing less acid, you don't really feel painfully hungry, so you can eat less. This is how anorexics live. By the by, I do not suffer from any eating disorder - I am of those young adults who have poor eating habits due to work constraints.

Will you be less productive if you constantly had hunger pangs? The answer is, true, you will find it difficult to concentrate during a hunger pang; however, you will stop having hunger pangs when your body revises its physiology to produce less acid. So you will not be less productive. Honestly speaking, in all regards, being less productive from lack of food, is all a matter of the mind. The Buddhist monks' daily routine starts with prayer and then a single meal from alms-begging which is consumed before the strike of noon. If you argue that a monk has really much less mental exertion (because they are responsible only to themselves and not to a company that we're affiliated to), indeed, you are not in the know about what they do. Meditation is difficult to comprehend for many lay people, but to those who have tried it before. It is not a simple thing to meditate, and more importantly, to meditate the Right Way. I cannot claim to be an expert of Meditation, although I can describe my own expectation and experience of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the true crisis of our post-modern era is the ubiquitous Excess of Manufacture, which has spawned all manner of delicacy to tempt the people. It is purely the greed of humans which is causing wrath between the wealthy and poor. It is the greed of the wealthy which is causing the wrath of the poor. The equation is so easy to state, but when you are not impartial to the equation, it is difficult to accept the situation. I agree, I too cannot prevent myself from wanting more discounts for what I purchase. However, I know people who need the discount more than I do. They should get discounts, but because they know less avenues to obtain it, they don't. Let me leave the discussion of casuistry, a very excellent topic of moral, to another post.

If we can extract information from wave emissions from our body, we could tell what is wrong with it. This is the basis for a study by a group of researchers comprising neuroscientists, electronics and communications engineers, biomedical electronics engineers, and chaos theorists.

For the sake of those unfamiliar with what chaos theory is all about, here's a good read. Chaos theory has introduced applications into various other fields of knowledge, including electronic communications systems as we see today. This relatively-new field of communications, known as chaotic communications, is not yet commercially available as it is still being actively researched, though there are several applications already deployed to the military market, some of which include secure communications systems, jamming and antijamming transceivers, low-probability of detection/intercept/exploitation (LPD/LPI/LPE) chaotic signalling, among others, used in electronic warfare.

Chaotic communications is a specific field of electronic communications, where we can communicate information in a random way, so that the information that a receiver picks up looks just like noise. The receiver can be designed to retrieve (or recover) the original information from this noise-like signal.

What has this got to do with those neuroscientists, or neurology for that matter, one may ask. Well, these neuroscientists further deduced that all of us living creatures emit some sort of random-like information, which can be decoded and analysed by a superly artificially-intelligent chaotic receiver, so the research continues on in this line of thought.

What may arise in the reader's mind is, do you expect me to believe that any signal we emit means something? We could spend a lot studying a car's exhaust for gas emissions and imagine that it was trying to tell us something. It sounds like boulderdash, doesn't it?

But actually, we do take in this argument. As all of us are made up of matter, we adhere to the duality principle, in which we can either be represented by particles or waves. Living creatures including humans, being waves, consist of a combination of individual frequency components. The waves, when radiated by our bodies, can be analysed by a chaotic receiver, which would demodulate the received signal into its individual frequency components and chaotically decode each of these components to retrieve sensible information. These information can be used to tell us if our body is fine or otherwise.

The evidence in Eastern medicine
I invite you to think why we are studying randomness. Natural evidence is random. The theory is about finding predictability in randomness. Chinese physicians feel for how different a patient's pulse is from the normal mean and use this information as a basis for his/her diagnosis. A healthy pulse would have its characteristic, and a cancerous pulse would have its own characteristic, both described by distinct chaotic attractors. Any signal that deviates within the characteristic of the healthy chaotic attractor, would be considered a healthy pulse. Many chaotic attractors defining various diseases would all be embedded into a chaotic receiver. In traditional medicine, the physician would be the superly-intelligent chaotic receiver who diagnoses the disease.

By all accounts, the use of randomness to find predictability is not a far-fetched idea. I can imagine how our questions about nature could be answered conclusively by this field of knowledge.