A co-worker who has recently grown close to me struggles with an affliction, what I would call a malady. Its name – “indecisiveness”. She tells me, the bigger decisions, those with ‘do or die’ consequences, she has no trouble with- for example, to marry or not to marry, to migrate or not to migrate, to move house or not to move house. The stuff she has trouble getting her mind around is whether or not to get the red Nike cross-trainers, or the latest pink Reebok running shoes, when neither price nor brand is a factor of concern. To decide what colour she would prefer for the company’s latest free employee jacket giveaway (“does the green or the red look better with my skin shade, do you think?”) To meet up with an old friend for lunch or go for a yoga session at the gym on the same day, or instead spend the whole day with her family who is dropping by for a visit. It is enough that she agonises incessantly over these mind-boggling issues, but she has to consult me for my opinion on these challenges of such grave import.
Why can’t you decide since the consequences of these decisions is insignificant either way, I ask her in exasperation. Because it is insignificant, she laments, therefore it is so difficult because the right choice is not obvious. I have a suspicion that she actually enjoys being indecisive, that delaying making up her mind brings her the joy of uncertainty, with the knowledge that until the last very possible moment, the outcome could go either way. (ooh, I may have either the red or green blazer, can’t wait till my mind decides what it wants, she probably thinks) My personal problem really, is to tell her to decide in her own sweet time and leave me in peace, away from her neither this-way-nor-that dithering. Sometimes she says, can you please decide for me and put me out of my misery? So I say “red” (as in the jacket scenario). Then come the inevitable counter-arguments. “But I already have so many red tops/blouses/tees. “ OK, the green then. “But green makes my skin so pale and ghastly-looking”. Look, flip a coin then, you tiresome broad, I bite my tongue just before it is about to unleash those scathing words.
It is no wonder that men find some women so annoying. At the mall, the girls window-shop all day, not sure what they are looking for, not knowing what they want. When they (finally!) find what they want, they hold back, thinking the next shop may have something they want even more. Then they back-track after another 2 hours, deciding that they want what they were at first not sure they wanted, after all. Then they can’t locate the shop where they found that thingy that they first set their eyes on two hours ago. (Hey, mall layouts are getting more and more complicated. You even need to look at the mall map to get back to the spot where you left your car). By this time, the said thingy (maybe a ridiculously skimpy blue lace top) becomes so elusive that they absolutely must have it now. And they won’t rest until that damn piece of rag is purchased and carried home safely nestled against their bosom, whereupon it will be thrown into the cupboard and forgotten for another two months. And the man of their life is desperately hatching up excuses for a way to avoid the next mall-trip ordeal.
Why do some women dither so? Look, just decide. If it’s the wrong decision, then you learn a lesson, and you remedy it. Act, then correct. Don’t act, and you won’t move. But even if you don’t act, please don’t torture your family and friends. Because chances are your indecisiveness is going to affect those around you. They have to shelve their own plans at the eleventh hour to accommodate yours, or they have to reject your appointment because they already have other engagements and feel like crap for doing so. (I don’t know about others, but saying no always makes me feel guilty no matter how justified I am in doing it) What’s the worst that can happen? Imagine when you were a baby and first began to stand up, if you’d thought, “Maybe I’ll try to stand up, I’m not sure if I dare, I think I’ll try in another year or two”, your parents would be taking you to the school for special kids, worried sick that something was terribly wrong with you.
What I do when I have a decision to make (and I only have trouble with the big ones) is to list down the advantages of decision A, B & C (up to Z if you have so many options to choose from at the same time – lucky you) and count the bullet points. Another thing is to assign weightage to those points I find more important than the rest. The decision, once drawn out like this, becomes clearer. Some people, like my friend above, prefer to consult a number of hapless friends. I hardly do that, except maybe with someone whose opinion I value greatly, who is wise and down-to-earth. The reason? Everyone has their own internal biases and prejudices. They could not possibly understand nor know everything that is going on with you. So while they may mean well, they may not be able to make the best possible choice for you. And having someone making a decision for you just gives you the unhealthy option of blaming them later on if anything goes wrong.
Another recommendation is to do your own research. Trawl the net and forums, there is a wealth of information out there by people who have travelled down the same road. You can hear both sides of the equation from neutral parties, strangers who have no vested interest in whatever you decide. They won’t be able to tell you what choice to make, but you may come across some nuggets of wisdom, something that didn’t occur to you, perhaps a possible repercussion of the decision you are about to make that you are absolutely unwilling to risk facing. And once you have come to your decision, make sure you go through with it. Give it time, at least six months, to evaluate if it was the best possible choice for you, before you decide you want to undo it. Some things take time for the benefits to be discernible.
But as with everything, the future is always uncertain. One action may lead to one thousand possible outcomes. Just go with the flow, knowing that you acted your utmost best in the moment, and you made your best decision based on what you knew at that very point in time. Then relinquish that control (it is illusory anyway) and watch life unfold.
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