We are all looking for love, are we not? Love is the way to ultimate happiness, so claim the chart-topping songs. When you find your soul-mate, your life is complete, book authors write. Loneliness is a big no-no, medical reports show. It leads to depression, increased suicide rates, shorter life spans due to poor mental health. And yet they neglect to tell us what the most important love of all is – Self-love; unconditional, totally-accepting, love of one’s self.
We are all indoctrinated from childhood by our parents, teachers, religions, cultures with the concept that we are deficient in some way. Some religions say we are all sinners, some cultures encourage us to emphasise our flaws instead of accepting compliments, because being humble is a great virtue. They are all missing the point. Self-love is not about glorifying ourselves, or being narcissistic. It is not about going around filled with self-importance, having a superiority complex. It is about being comfortable in our own skin and although recognizing there are many facets of ourselves that still need improvement, we like the essential, unfinished, unpolished work-in-progress that we currently are.
But what is there to love, you ask? You don’t know what I’ve done in the past. So? Do you have to be perfect in order to love yourself? So you’ve made mistakes, but who hasn’t? Now that you see and recognize the mistakes, have you taken the necessary steps to make amends, redeem your wrongdoings? If you haven’t, then what is stopping you? If you have, then why haven’t you forgiven yourself? Most importantly, have you grown from the experience? Do you see my point? Self-love is about accepting ourselves, flaws and all, knowing that we are imperfect, that we may have committed grave errors in the past, done things or said things we regret, but in spite of it all we can accept ourselves at the end of it as being human and we can forgive ourselves in order to move on.
Dr Brian Weiss, in his book “Same Soul, Many Bodies” writes: “Self-love is the basis for love of others. It is where real charity begins. When you love yourself, it will spill over; when you don’t love yourself, your energy will consciously or unconsciously be focused on finding it, and you won’t have time for anybody else. Self love isn’t selfish; it’s healthy self-esteem.” How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself? If you think you are boring and cannot stand to spend time with yourself, why do you think anyone would want to spend time with you?
So how do we start to love ourselves? First, the obvious: we have to get to know ourselves. Undoubtedly, we’ve lived with ourselves since the day we were born, but not many of us have a deep level of self-awareness, or self-understanding. Do you know, for instance, if you are introverted or extroverted, expressive or uncommunicative, industrious or laidback, proactive or reactive, predisposed to or averse to challenges? What are your talents? What are your interests? What are your strengths? What is most important to you? Where is your energy most focused on? What are your issues – those hot buttons that make you explode? What are your principles, the fundamental precepts of your life? Are you living a life of purpose, fulfilling your potential? Are you living with people who bring out the best in you? Are you living according to your beliefs?
You will find some of the questions difficult to answer, because it asks of you a deep level of honesty with yourself. You will notice that if you are emotionally mature and already self-aware, it will be easier to answer many of those questions (in fact, you may have already asked yourself these questions long ago). If you find yourself avoiding some questions because they are uncomfortable, then there may be an issue you are trying to skirt, a secret fear you are unwilling to admit to or face. And the discovery of that aspect of yourself will help you to understand yourself better.
Second then, we have to ask ourselves, now that we know who we are and what our values are, is whether we like who we are. If not, then why? A lot of self-loathing springs from guilt, because we act against our principles and hate ourselves for doing it. If for example, you detest office politics, but find yourself engaging in these corporate games to maintain your status quo or position in your company, a deep part of yourself will forever remain unhappy. This is because you are uncomfortable with who you are and what you’re doing. You can of course justify to yourself that everyone else is doing it and it is necessary for corporate survival. But somewhere inside the deeper recesses of your mind you feel there should be another, more fulfilling way. Your conscience pricks at you. Over time, you numb yourself to that little voice of reason by looking for distractions. Life loses its meaning because you have disconnected from that part of yourself that is pure, wise and true.
Turning this around takes courage. You need to recognize that you are unfulfilled, and discover the reason why. Then only can you take the steps to change your actions and your life. Sometimes, this requires re-defining ourselves, re-setting our priorities, even sacrificing some material comforts and losing some friends in the process. But ultimately you are beginning to live according to your beliefs, and that will be for the greater good of all. As you reconnect with that part of yourself that is genuine, authentic, you will have peace, you sleep better at night, because you now understand what matters and you let go of what does not. In other words, you have grown.
So, now that you know yourself, your principles, and you lead a life according to your beliefs, do you love yourself yet? No? You think you need someone to love you, to validate your worth, before you can start cherishing yourself? Then the third step is to meditate. Tap into your intuitive wisdom. Quiet your mind and stop the thinking. Stop looking for love, and instead reach out and love. Think of love not as a noun, but as a verb. Something to be done instead of owned. You have to remember love is always around you, you just need to reach out and tap into it. Every life is precious, and yours is no less dear than the rest.
Ironically, you will find that as you start to like yourself more, you have more energy for others. There is always more to give, because you already have enough. The world becomes abundant, instead of scarce. There is no need to compete, because we have more than we need. It becomes unnecessary to force your viewpoint on others, because everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and perceives the world according to the way they are. There is nothing you cannot forgive, because you have already forgiven yourself. Nobody can hurt you, because there is an eternal, immortal part of yourself that can never be harmed, that is essentially changeless, that is inherently good and wise. And you will know peace. And who knows, when you have stopped looking for it, that is when love will find you.
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