Humanistic Views

Networking - I prefer to call it connection

2011-08-27T00:04:00.005+08:00

Networking - I used to shudder at this word. You could say “paedophile”, and I’d have the same reaction. Ask any introvert, and they’ll know exactly what I mean. We introverts feel energized from being alone with our thoughts, having long daily conversations with ourselves in our minds. We analyse, contemplate, reason and conclude, all in the safety of our inner world. We would tell you what we thought, but we’re either too shy or we don’t know you well enough to trust you. But rest assured, we’re very mature and mostly self-aware due to the amount of thinking we do on our own.

In fact, we think so much that we may even have difficulty accepting opinions different to our own, since we’ve already justified and concluded our own ideas to ourselves so long ago. Yes, the amount of thinking we have done would scare you, because you’d have been busy clubbing, or yakking, or shopping, or eating with your noisy group of since-we-have-nothing-to-do-why-don’t-we-just-hang-out-together friends. Well we can’t blame you, although we don’t understand why you’re so scared of being alone. We think you must be a very boring person inside since you can’t stand to be with yourself. (As you can see, us introverts can be very judgmental too, due to the amount of thinking we have done and the numerous deductions we have made over the years of our lives)

So where was I? Ah yes, networking. A culture encouraged in all corporations, the ideal of having friends in all places, the right contacts in hand to secure the right deals at the right time, the right people to help you climb up the corporate ladder, to alert you of impending opportunities since you’re “beer buddies” every Friday. I was aghast and naturally very resistant to this concept when I first started out working. What? So friendship now has a price? How do I go about making friends when those friendships had ulterior motives? It seems so fake, so forced, so materialistic, so opportunistic, so devious. So were all my work friendships part of a cunning plot hatched to elevate my job status? What if I accidentally made real work friends? How would I separate them from the work-work friends? Weren’t we all paid to get along and work together? Why do we still need to network? Why can’t we be granted the liberty at work of not having to hang out with the people we don’t like?

Of course, an extrovert naturally would not think this way. An extrovert is so energized by people, so interested in what they have to say, it’s not even a stretch for them to get along with others. They are just inclined this way. It’s their habitat, baby. Charming, charismatic, friendly - don’t think they’ll have any qualms about walking up to you and introducing themselves, even when you look like you’re obviously not interested in what they have to say. They’ll jovially invite themselves to share your table at lunch, even when you’re pointedly reading a book to make it clear you do not welcome any conversations with strangers. Heck, they’ll talk about sports, property, economics, hobbies, travelling, anything to get you to respond to them. And in the end you just sigh (inwardly, of course - you’re an introvert, remember? ) and resignedly put your book down and go along with them, since it’s easier this way. And before you know it, you’re enjoying the conversation and starting to like this person and wondering why you were so prickly with them before.

So is networking so wrong? And is it so difficult to do? Well, my personal opinion is no, and no. It’s really a matter of mindset. I’ve had friends tell me how much they hated the idea of making friends with an agenda, the small talk they had to do, the interest they had to feign when they would rather be somewhere else, perhaps with family or real non-work friends. But think about it, didn’t all your friendships, even with your bestest buddies, start out this way? Didn’t you talk about mundane things like where you live, your family, your pet, your interests, favorite things like music, books, food, sport or travel before you finally hit it off? You couldn’t have started out by confiding in them about your first break-up, could you? Would you have told them on the first day you met them, that you had had your appendix taken out when you were twelve? Maybe one day you both laughed at a joke together and ah so! That’s when the magic happened.

So why can’t this be done with corporate networking? It’s our mindset, that’s why. Somehow we think it’s wrong to have friends whom we want to use later. We think these are friends with potential corporate benefits, and so we can’t be ourselves. In fact, we mostly can’t be ourselves because we have to pretend to like people we despise, if they are in an influential position. We think we have to butter, flatter, apple-polish, put on a front. We have to be careful with the personal information we share, in order to draw a line between friend and colleague. And how do we draw a line, anyway? Sometimes we don’t really know how to tread or navigate this grey area.

Why not instead, think about it like this. Getting along with the people you work with just makes our jobs more pleasant to do. A shared joke, a shared meal, a shared corporate event, it just makes the environment warmer, more conducive to team-work. And who’s to say we’re using each other, when we are working toward a combined objective? Perhaps we have slightly different values, since diversity is celebrated in most organisations. Contrast this against our tendency to pick friends of the same wavelength, and you can understand why you’d naturally have more personality differences with work-friends than social friends. But get this, connection can happen at all levels. You can learn to be appreciative of differences rather than wary of them. Your job will require you to connect with people you would otherwise avoid. You are exposed to different viewpoints, different styles of communication and management, different attitudes and in this complex potpourri, you are all supposed to unite and achieve a common goal. Like wow, doesn’t that sound like so much fun?

You can learn to connect with different people in different ways, once you understand that everyone has their own uniqueness. You don’t have to be bosom buddies, similar in each and every way, in order to connect with someone. We tend to think our friends should be almost exactly like us, and that they’ll get along with us the more alike we are. But no, it is really about shared experiences, and finding the common ground along a whole range of differences. With colleagues, this is accentuated because the range of differences is wider, and you really have no say in the crowd you are required to be with. You were all hired by the same company, you have to get along to work in this company. So just look for what’s common. You won’t have to look far. We are all basically the same inside. We have fears, worries, insecurities, anxieties. Perhaps we worry about different areas of our lives, but we are all just the same ordinary people, trying to be happy, striving to be good, to be liked, hoping for a measure of acceptance, for some recognition that we are good, for some appreciation that we have contributed and are worthy. Everyone, you and me, we are no different. Even Obama thinks like us – no kidding.

Wokay – so how do we go about networking then? Didn’t we introverts agree it is difficult to do? Well, it was difficult when we thought we were forced to make friends, to serve our hidden ulterior motives. But when we look at it from the angle of connection, then it starts to look totally different. Didn’t we also agree that people are all basically the same? That all of us just want to be happy, no matter what happy means for each and every one of us? So, first start by taking an interest in the person in front of you. Turn your focus outward. Don’t you see, you were so busy thinking about what they thought of you, that you didn’t notice that they were more concerned about what you think of them. What a paradox. Insecurities, remember? We keep focusing on our flaws and trying to cover them up, that we don’t notice that other people are doing the same.

So now I’ve told you the secret, it’s going to be chicken feed from here on. It’s easy to be genuinely interested in others, once you have the right perspective (ie everyone is a lost lonely poor soul like us). Ask them about themselves, and make sure you listen to what they have to say. Don’t judge, don’t offer solutions, don’t turn your mind to worrying about what to say when they’ve stopped, and what new points you can come up with to keep the conversation going. Just listen, and your intuition will guide you as to what you should say next. Remember, sincerity cannot be forced. People will know if you’re really interested in what they are telling you, or if you’re just passing time away at a boring office party. Notice their body language, their facial expressions and gestures. Listen to what they’re not saying. Especially, ask about their feelings. Everyone loves to talk about themselves, because so few people really stop to listen. Make sure, in that time you are with whoever you are with, that they have your unwavering attention. And that connection? It’s already happened. It happened when you started listening.

Of course, you may not have time to talk with or listen to everyone. In which case, think of small favors you can do for those you work with. Perhaps an idea when they’re stuck, a suggestion when they’ve hit a roadblock, or point to a useful contact, someone you know who has had experience with a challenge they’re facing. Even on the personal front, offer recommendations for a restaurant they can take their family to, trade a recipe, offer to pack lunch for them when they’re stuck in meetings. Small things that add up, and hardly take a dent out of your day. You’ll feel better for it. You can do a good turn each day, there are more than enough opportunities once you look for them. And before you know it, there’s your network of work-friends. Who said it had to be hard? Remember, you did all this with hardly any effort, you were helpful all around, not only with the senior bosses, but with peers and subordinates alike.

In fact, you’re so popular now that people smile or raise their hands whenever you pass by their cubicle. They let you in on some knowledge they have of a job opening where the manager in charge would really appreciate having the presence of someone like you on his team. They offer you a candy bar when you remark you’re famished and haven’t had lunch. They bring back cookies from their hometowns for you. You get invited to lunches, dinners, you talk and laugh, your friendships have expanded so much that you can’t tell whether they’re your colleagues or work-friends or friend-friends anymore. And what? You thought it was hard? Parenting, that’s hard. Figuring out how to ask someone hot out for a date, that’s hard. Networking? No sweat. The key – be sincere. Oh and by the way, the side effect to this is that you may not be an introvert anymore.

Hello - Are you here with me?

2011-02-11T18:59:00.005+08:00

"The present is a rope stretched over the past. The secret to walking it is, you never look down." -- Sean Stewart

Until you have faced your greatest personal challenges, you will never fully understand the truth of this quote. For we are all mostly living in the past. How many of us are so fully present in this moment, that we are not wishing we were back somewhere we had been before, or with someone who had loved us before, or that we were younger, had taken more risks, had made a critical decision differently, had said or done something other than what we actually said or did.

We are all filled with regrets, for things we could have or should have done, had we known or learned what we know now. Or we are filled with nostalgia with sweet memories of our childhood or past loves, our minds painting a rosy, flawless picture of the past, a heaven in our head, a time and place to which we have no means of access other than through our imagination. When you think of your favorite things, favorite places, are you not thinking of the past?

And it is precisely these thoughts, of wonderful past moments and things, that tether us to a reality that no longer exists. Yes, we can daydream, indulge in some wishful thinking, but realize that that is all it is - indulgence. A futile activity that brings us away from a present moment that is as precious and as fleeting as the past. And now, even as you bring your attention back to it, back to this present moment that you are barely aware of, it has become another part of the past, pushing back even further that past you so fondly cherish and cling on to.

And it is so sad, that we waste so much of our present by not being present. For what is so wrong with being in the here and now? You are wiser, if not so young, matured (hopefully) if not as fresh. And those things you remember, your childhood, your first love, your first job, they were lessons, critical events that played a role in molding who you are today, but their purpose is now long gone. For you have more to do now than you ever did before. You have a duty to make the best of your present, with the gift of experience that life has presented you, to begin the 2nd act, the sequel of that first play you so dearly hold on to.

And who is to say you cannot make a better future than your past? It begins with now, with recognizing the resources you have at hand, the greatness of who you truly are and what you are actually capable of, in order to move onto the road that leads to Act 2. But can you do it by wishing you were somewhere other than where you are today? Definitely not. To take the first step forward, you must know where you are, not where you wish you could be. Our lives are not lived by merely wishing them. They require resolve, courage, and involves you daring to put your first step forward.

I have had my share of wasted time, of living in the past, of feeling outraged, cheated, denied what was justifiably mine. And so much of that energy, if channeled into acceptance and growth, would have taken me so much faster to the peace and contentment I feel today. It is not that I feel contented all of the time, blissed out and euphoric. It is just a recognition that I am blessed with what I have today, and I would not want this moment to be other than what it currently is.

Can you say the same for yourself? Are you reading this article I wrote (being with me and every single word I say), or is your mind wandering away even as your physical eyes skim across my sentences? Do you wish you were some place other than here, reading this article, taking one breath after another? Do you wish you were someone other than you, a fully -functional, blessed human being with unlimited potential for love, goodness and joy? Do you celebrate the creation of the unique human being that is you? For there will be no other person like you. No one can do justice to who you are except yourself. So are you being the best person you could be?

If you are loved, if you have family and friends who would mourn your death, who would be devastated if you were no longer present in their lives, then know that you are cherished. There is love, and your not recognizing it and also loving yourself in kind is doing your loved ones a great injustice. There are those with much less, yet they face each day with a spring in their steps, they thank God each morning for the start of another new day.

Celebrate yourself. Celebrate your life. Celebrate the future and its endless possibilities. The world is your oyster, no matter your age. Begin now, by starting with the now. There is not a moment to lose.

Hearing voices in my head, and the fear of ghosts

2011-01-23T20:50:00.011+08:00

I dare say that ever since we became more liberal in our beliefs, and turned more atheistic, or believed in so many different permutations of religion and philosophical ways of living, I find it hard not to believe in many things I read about. Such as higher planes of consciousness, spirits and holy sightings, faith healing, miracles, and so on.

I just went on a mild obsession about depression and delusion, two clinical disorders, to find out what their differences are. Depression is a feeling of being down, but delusion is a strong irrational belief in something or someone. Of the two, delusion seems to have potential to harm both the deluded person and the victim of the deluded person's thoughts. A few disorders seemed to be associated with delusion - bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, manic-depressive, very murderer-like traits. Many articles said that these subjects often heard voices in their head.

I always wondered what those psychopaths meant when they said they heard voices in their head. I one day just realized that everybody hears voices in their heads. When we read, doesn't it just feel like we're reading out loud in our heads? Aren't we reciting the whole passage for our head to hear? It's like there's an audience in our head that we'd like a response from. When we come across an opinion that we disagree with, we state in our heads, "Aih, that is so profoundly stupid/judgmental! " I think this is how my mind works to get myself angry.

I get angry not because of what the person said, but because the voice in my head spoke up very quickly in response to the other person. My voice is very negatively expressive. Because that voice judged so quickly, I didn't have time to think whether that voice was right, I just assumed it to be right since it came from me. From that internal voice, the rest of my judgment continued by manifesting into my vocal cords, and facial expression, and physical action. Isn't it dubious, the claim that the psychopath thought that someone commanded him to do it, then he must've believed that he himself commanded himself, because why would a strong-spirited person want to follow someone else's orders?

My voice in my head is a very weak-minded voice. I have a funny fear of the night and of being alone but in the presence of unseen beings. My fear is whether the unseen being has good or bad intentions, but not that I feel their presence. I am afraid to enter dark places, like the toilet before the light comes on, or downstairs after all the lights are out. I actually keep saying to myself, you do NOT have permission to enter me, please get away from here. My mind gets overactive in the dark. Is this natural for scaredy cats?

However, if I'm mistaken and I'm really being followed by a spirit, then please oh please, if someone with the third eye could just point it out to me so that I can deal with these abnormal crises.

The Answer

2011-01-01T22:13:00.005+08:00

This is it. The search for the meaning of life, it’s over. You can stop looking. I’ll tell you why you’re here, why I’m here, why your parents and your horrible boss is here. To evolve. Two words, it’s as simple as that. This is what we were all put here to do. This is our grand blue-print of life. To evolve, and hopefully, to also help others evolve.

And I don’t mean physical evolution. We don’t need to grow another brain, or a new pair of lungs that will enable us to survive on Pandora. No, I’m talking about the soul’s evolution. The evolution of your higher self. The development of your consciousness. The restoration of your essence to its original, immortal, eternal perfection. For we are all intrinsically good people. Along the way, we have just been distracted, we have chased external materiality and we have lost the way. We have relegated the soul’s evolution to the bottom of our priorities list while we pursued success, conquests, fame, riches, adulation and pleasures of the senses.

And so we play mind games, we protect our pride, we hide our vulnerabilities, we withhold affection, we guard ourselves behind an outer façade of self-assurance and invincibility. We hunger for approval while we seemingly cherish our independence. We pretend to be brave in times of crisis instead of calling out for support. We are concerned with what others think of us. We are all living a charade, disconnected from each other, where everyone is walling themselves in instead of reaching out. Then we form unbalanced dysfunctional relationships based on our own needs and insecurities, and those very relationships that we feed off for our own sustenance are the ones that threaten to ruin us due to our very dependence on them.

It is time to go back to basics, to the very foundation of who you are. We are all perfect. You don’t need anybody or anything in order to survive or to be happy. You need to take charge of your own happiness before you can be happy with someone else. And in order to be happy, your conscience needs to be clear. You need to be a good person, to be good because it is the only way, not because there is a God watching you and waiting to persecute you. Not because your spouse or lover will find out and leave you. Not because there are laws that will get you thrown into jail. You have to be good for good’s own sake.

For when you are good, you start to accept yourself. You let go of the stories and strip down to the essence of who you really are. You return to the core of your being. And that’s when you realize that you are so much greater than you thought you could possibly be. And when you are so great, why do you need things, or other people to make you happy? Because you start to realize that you are already complete. You are love. You can give love because you have learnt to love yourself. You are so overflowing with love and all you can do is radiate this love to everything and everyone you come across.

This is the completeness of the soul. This is the place of peace which mystics speak of. So why is it so hard to get here? If we are all intrinsically good, why do we all behave the opposite? The answer, is that we are not yet awakened. We are unconscious. We are caught in a world of illusion, the world of materiality where we compete, compare, judge, a world of separateness where we are the greatest losers because we can never live up to the image we have created of ourselves.

What do you aspire to be? A tycoon with seven mistresses, seven bungalows and seven sports cars with seven chaffeurs? Perhaps you’d like to make seventy-seven million and have seventy-seven grandchildren? What does that prove to the world? That you were a shrewd businessman? That you had a lot of lucky breaks? That at least seven different women found you irresistible? Will you be able to fill seventy-seven coffins when you die? Will you live forever, never succumbing to disease and old age? Would you have been a better father or husband than that regular Joe in HR who worked until he was fifty-five and attended his daughter’s wedding and grandchildren’s graduation ceremonies? Who is keeping tabs anyway? This is not a race. There is no grand prize, nor consolation gifts.

In the end, isn’t it about how many lives you touched? How many lessons you taught? How many people you inspired? How much better the world was because you lived in it? Mr Tycoon and Mr Joe are both going to fit into the same-sized coffin at the end of the day. The difference is, who remembers them fondly now they’re gone. So why are we wasting all this time? We are pursuing the wrong goals. We have reversed what is real and what is not. We have forgotten what we came here to learn.

Every challenge you face, every conflict, it is a test. The outcomes are unimportant. What matters are the lessons you learnt along the way. And what lesson is that? That lesson is love. That is what we have to evolve into. We are here to learn to love unconditionally. Love everyone unconditionally. And then, all your actions will originate from this place of love. It is not impossible, not if you are awakened. It all starts within. That journey, that search for meaning, your whole purpose of life is to take you back to that same place from where you came. That place of love deep within. It was inside us all along. You were just too busy looking at all the wrong places.

Peace of Mind - it starts with the cushion

2010-12-12T23:28:00.011+08:00

Having peace of mind is the greatest thing you can do for yourself and others, because this is the state when you are most open to others and to the world at large, both in heart and mind. It is when you are most ready to give, to share, to listen and empathise, when you hold nothing back because you are free from being preoccupied with your own worries and troubles. If only we felt like that all the time, we would be the best versions of ourselves in every possible moment of our lives.

How do we do this, when we all have our own challenges? Our lives are so fast-paced and stressed, we are multi-tasking, the thoughts in our heads rushing by so quickly we can’t even articulate them at the pace they are racing through our minds. When we drive to work, we are planning what to say at an upcoming presentation or meeting, when we drive home from work, we are worrying about what to get for dinner and whether the kids’ homework is done. We don’t always listen to what others are saying because we are either wishing they would just get on with it and go away so that we can finish up our list of tasks on our “to-do” list, or we are busy planning our response to them before they have even finished what they wanted to say.

And when we are not rushing, we are caught up with memories of the past or worries about the future, mostly unpleasant. We relive past events, past hurts and insults, and feel painful emotions all over again. Or we just worry that unpleasant events from the past will repeat themselves in the future and we think of a thousand avoidance strategies to prevent our fears from materializing. Fear and worry (which is also just another form of fear) are the greatest obstacles to having peace of mind.

But let me tell you a secret. There really is a direct short-cut to having peace of mind. This magic happens when you sit quietly in a corner, cross-legged on a cushion on the floor, and close your eyes. And as you close your eyes, tell yourself, “I am now going to let go, just for a while”. Let go of what, you ask. The answer is, “Everything”. Let go of the past, the future, let go of who you are, your responsibilities, your chores (you can always come back to them later), your worries, even your fears. For that short moment on your cushion, just be still. If you need to anchor yourself, start by being aware of your breath, wherever you feel it in your body (it may be in the abdomen, your chest, belly or even nose). But tell yourself, that you are just going to stay in the present, without going into the past or future.

And as you stay still, with your breath, feeling the in-breaths and out-breaths, you are going to be aware of your thoughts. They will move quickly through your mind, sometimes clearly drawn-out, other times in flashes. You will see images, perhaps of people you spoke with earlier in the day or week. Your mental ear will “hear” or recall snippets of conversations, or refrains of songs you have heard recently. Sometimes you are even reminded of things you forgot to do, and before you know it, you are planning tomorrow’s schedule, mentally adding an item to a grocery list.

Let these thoughts surface, without blocking them, without following them, then watch them recede until the next thought or image arrives. Remember, you are just watching. You are not “you” for now, not spouse, parent, child, sibling, employee or employer. You are just your breath, if not a background watcher of your thoughts. You are not even your thoughts. And like water settles after it is vigorously shaken in a glass, the thoughts and images will slow down, and eventually, you will be back to your breath.

And then, if you can stop commenting on what you are seeing in your head, there will be silence. Not silence from noise outside, but silence from the mental chattering in your mind. In the beginning, you will hardly notice this silence. It is close to imperceptible, and you only catch it within the “space” after one thought, before the next thought arrives. As you gradually become aware of this space, you will be able to prolong this interval. This is the interval of stillness, of silence, of peace. Do this regularly, and you will start to feel mentally energized, more alert, more focused.

So how does this work? I like to think of this as a period of rejuvenation. You are settling your chaotic mind, putting down your burdens, the responsibility of being “you” for a short while. In actual fact, you are creating and being aware of a space between who you are and what you are thinking or feeling. And there really is a space. You are not your thoughts or your feelings. They are just guests, sometimes uninvited, passing through for a while. When you take the time to acknowledge your thoughts, your feelings, you will find they are transient and not as overwhelming as you believe they are. There is less internal struggle, you are just letting them be.

When you regularly “let go” in this manner, you are freeing yourself from self-censure and judgement. There is less pressure to be a certain way, because you are “letting go”. There is more self-truth. Instead of justifying why you should or should not feel a certain way, you are letting go of the story and just feeling the emotion. It is liberating. You will realize, “I feel envious” or “I am jealous”, or “I don’t like myself right now”. That does not make you a bad person. It just means you are human. If you are still enough, you will know the reasons for those feelings. So instead of wasting your energy pretending you are not envious or jealous or that you like yourself very much, you have acknowledged your feelings and given yourself truth. At least now you know what to work on.

Sometimes, what you discover is more powerful. It could be “I am scared”, “I am ashamed”. This is powerful because you are admitting to your own weaknesses. We squander so much energy perpetuating delusions and self-lies. When our mind is clear and settled in a state of stillness, there is nothing to obscure the truth. And don’t forget, you are letting go. So it is ok to just see whatever it is your mind is showing you in the moment. You can always analyse its meaning later, when you are back off your cushion and dealing with your life. But for now just let stillness illuminate your path. Sometimes, you may even get flashes of inspiration. You are actually tapping your higher wisdom, where all the answers lie.

Try it and see, don’t just take my word for it. Ten to fifteen minutes on your cushion, in a quiet corner in loose comfortable clothing. That is the quickest way to mental paradise. When you are ready, you can extend your fifteen minutes to half an hour or even a full hour. Let go, let be. In case you don’t know it already, you have already initiated your beginnings into the beautiful process of meditation.

The End of Days

2010-10-24T13:24:00.005+08:00

It was sometime in the first quarter of 2009. A friend sat in front of me, in the Starbucks outlet of the Sunway Pyramid shopping mall and told me, with total conviction, that she believed 2012 would mark the end of humanity. She didn’t say the end of the world, because the universe is going to go on, as it always has. It is just that life on Earth is going to end. The dreaded Apocalypse is upon us, the end of days.

I blinked and looked at her, not sure I’d heard her right. December 21st, 2012, is the predicted day. Signs of it are already showing - 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, tsunamis, flash- floods, earthquakes. Well, haven’t they always been happening? Well yes, but this time we are not going to survive, she says. How does she know for sure? Well, she just does. It seems that humanity has entered a new low. If you believe in the Law of Attraction, all things are energy and mind-made. Every physical thing we use, touch, see, feel, originated in our minds. Like attracts like. Positive attracts positive, and negative attracts negative.

And the world is a mass of swirling negative energy today. People are miserable, stressed, unkind, materialistic. The world is abound with hatred. Even if there were no natural disasters to kill us off, we are already busy murdering each other. There is no salvation for us. We are not worthy of this world, of the earth. The new-age mainstream beliefs state that a new age of consciousness will arrive in 2012. People will re-awaken their spiritual selves and goodness will reign once more. In fact, if a sufficient number of people awaken before 2012, we may still turn this disaster around.

Now I know this seems like a lot to take in one session. I'm not here to argue how probable it is that our predicted Apocalypse will happen. There are enough websites out there; scientists, researchers, theologists and even Discovery Channel have contributed their views on this. I am just going to go on the assumption that this catastrophic event may be possible, however improbable it seems at the moment. Even if your most natural reaction would be to scoff at the very idea, it is not as impossible as you think.

Humans as we know today, are the most evolved of the animal chain. Evolution seems to have stopped with us, barring of course, extra-terrestrial and higher life forms, which we can’t see and therefore cannot conclude exist. We have outlived all other species and evaded extinction by the use of our intelligence to customize the environment to our needs. Think about it, if we had to depend on natural selection to acclimatize to different weathers and environments, it would take us many years and generations before we would evolve to become dark-skinned enough to live in Arab, and bushy-haired to survive in Alaska. We would die before we could get to that stage. But we didn’t. We built houses for shelter, we created clothes for protection. Instead of moving from place to place in search of food, we learnt to plant and harvest crops. We reared animals for food and transport.

And then we created technology and since then, there has been no looking back. We have conquered everything. We no longer need to hunt for food, machines have taken on the hard labor, we are connected to everything, and real-time at that. What else is there left for us? The only things we have not been able to conquer are ageing and dying, and the inevitable corruption of the human soul. There is nothing left to challenge us, and so we have begun to fight with each other. We kill each other over shared resources, covet each other’s land, we discriminate, we wage wars. Sometimes we even dare proclaim it is all in the name of God that we do this. Barbaric actions in modern times - Is this all we have to show for ourselves after years of evolution?

And so it has come to pass that humankind has come full-cycle. And it is really not that difficult to kill off the human race. We take water and air for granted. But we would die if deprived of either one of them. If water were scarce or polluted , or a change occurred in earth’s gases and oxygen content, we would drop dead faster than a dozen flies sprayed with Ridsect. We can acclimatize to temperature changes, but only within a narrow and limited range. A drastic rise or drop in Earth’s temperature would kill off the majority of us. How do we know for sure this won’t happen? Our houses and offices, seemingly so rock-solid, are but a deck of playing cards in the grand scale of an earthquake.

So what does this mean for you and me? People like us have never held a gun, fought a war, robbed a bank, murdered or raped a helpless victim or illegally dumped a baby. We don’t even need to slaughter the animals we eat. Oh but yes, we are going down with the rest of humankind. For we have not always been kind, charitable or generous even when we had the means. We have been ignorant, biased, prejudiced, we have discriminated, we have hurt those who love us and those we love. And it may be too late to do anything about it now. It is sobering, isn’t it? In the face of your own mortality, you attain a perspective that transcends the ordinary day-to-day business of living.

What is the point of doing anything if we are not going to survive beyond the next two years? Why work? Why study? Why get married? Why have children? Should we even continue to service our loans? Should we give it all up and travel around the world, partaking of fattening, artery-clogging food everyday? We might as well just resign from our jobs tomorrow and blow away our lifetime’s earnings in the next 24 months. There is no one to leave the money to anyway, all of our next-of-kin are going to die along with us.

But that, my friend, is the most liberating of all. There is no one to leave behind, who will have to pick up the pieces after our passing. Our memory will not need to live on in anyone’s minds. Who do you say good-bye to, when we are all perishing on the same day? Is money really important, now that we are not going to be able to use it or take it away with us, or even leave it to anyone? Our jobs, that which gives us status, importance, it will fade away because the CEO as well as the road-sweeper are going to die the same deaths. The future, any plans we have made, they are not going to come into fruition beyond 2012.

And what does that leave us? Nothing. Nothing but this moment, this present. Now is all we have. Now is what we have always had, but we failed to recognize its power, its preciousness. If you have grudges, let go of them now. If there is anything unsaid, call up your loved ones and say it to them now. Books that haven’t been read, new clothes unworn, cutlery unused, old friends you have not reconnected with, catch up with those things now. Go on that long-postponed trip or honeymoon now. And focus on the people in your life now. They are all that matter. Those from the past, those who have left, it is over for the time with them has passed. The future may never arrive (I say “may”, not “will”, because even now 2012 is not a certainty for anyone. Unless we have a time-travel machine that can take us to Dec 22nd, 2012, how can we know for sure if the 2012 prediction is real or a hoax?).

But does that mean you should go out and have indiscriminate sex, hit on your receptionist, forget about servicing your loans and paying your taxes, quit your job, quit paying insurance? No. What it does mean is that you should stop and take the time to watch the sunset. Observe your children at play, stroke your dog, smile at your neighbor, tell your other half you love him/her. It means go and attend a concert if you need to, scream like a crazed fan if you want to, go to the spa if you need pampering. Worry less and live more. Plan less, experience more. In the face of an uncertain future, what else can you do anyway?

Put your energy into what matters most. Have meaningful conversations right now. Deal with the annoyances by acknowledging that they are an unavoidable part of life. Don’t waste your energy on negativity. Listen instead of talk. Read. Meditate. Let go of the past. Don’t worry about the future. It is as unavoidable as much as it is uncertain. Face the future when it becomes your now. And let us hope we will all wake on the morning of Dec 22nd, 2012 and happily laugh at the absurdity of this post.

Is Diversity Do-able?

2010-10-13T23:04:00.006+08:00

We talk of embracing diversity, but we articulate it better than we do it. I work in a multi-national company, reporting to a US manager who leads an international team of multi-racial talents. In the course of my job I have dealt with team members in Shanghai, Costa Rica, India and the US. Our internal customers are mostly US-based. However, I had some initial doubts about working with a Western boss. True, the Westerners visit our country often enough and yes, they are all warm and adventurous, and they tell us how friendly we are. They look good enough to eat on TV, and we are more familiar with their celebrities than our own home-grown local famous people.

But I had no experience of working with a US boss. Would he be condescending and talk down to me? Would I be an Asian slave that jumped to orders he barked over the phone? Would I have to be at his beck and call? Would he doubt my language skills and purposely have to use simple words that he thought I could understand? Since he was based in US and was a remote manager, would he ultimately ignore me and forget to have performance reviews with me, gradually forgetting that I was one of his staff?

And oh, how he proved me wrong. My boss is totally sensitive and accepting of Asians and our differences. He apologises if he spells our names wrongly, makes the effort to pronounce our names right, understands when we do not speak up in public forums or during large staff meetings, sets aside time for us to have weekly individual phone conversations with him, is totally supportive of our work-life balance and sensitive to time-zone differences, so much so that he schedules his meetings with us at a comfortable 7-8am our time while it is past 5pm for him in US. He made it more comfortable working for him than it was working for an Asian boss. Diversity must have been his middle name.

But I am one of the lucky ones. My boss (who has since moved on to another role), you see, is merely one of a group of managers reporting to a US director who is distinctly partial to an Asian race (not my own) which I won’t name here. Let’s call them the Daurians. Now, there are many Daurians who migrated from their native Daur to take up residence in the US. These same Daurians are also part of the local community in my country. The thing is, as the workforce has expanded here, our team has been aggressively recruiting Daurians since they tended to be most favored by our director. When local Daurians are rejected by other departments for various reasons, they are welcomed to our group.

We are fast becoming the Daurian group, instead of a mixed group reporting to a US director. So numerous are the Daurians in fact, that when demand cannot be met from the pool in our country, they are imported from native Daur and relocated to us here in Malaysia. It would not be so unnerving if not for the fact that historically, Daurians are the minority in Malaysia. Since they belong to the smallest population, they have by nature tended to bond together, forming cliques that exclude non-Daurians. They are protective of their clique, always on the lookout for repression from the larger communities. They seek each other out over different office floors and across different departments, congregating together to laugh and chat.

Are they unfriendly to non-Daurians? No, they are not. They just trust non-Daurians less. Daurians have a different style of working, one which tends to focus more on selling and verbalizing what they can do than to actually work on improving their quality of work, an approach that sometimes results in over-promise and under-delivery. It is a thorn in the flesh to non-Daurians, (let’s call my race the Carpathians) who are apt to not promise what cannot be done and are prone to down-play the quality of the work they do. Worse, the Carpathians are not as vocal or verbal as the Daurians, and hence tend to be side-lined in conference call conversations where only prominent, articulate voices are given attention.

If you look at performance, both races are capable of doing a good job. However, a typical Daurian would spend more time telling you how good a job he’d done, while a typical Carpathian would be so humble that he wouldn’t be able to tell you how much he’d contributed towards improving a process or report without turning red in the face. He’d trip over his words and mumble unintelligible phrases until you totally lost interest or patience in what he was trying to say. Yes, language is a main point of disadvantage for the Carpathians. Another difference is that economically, the Carpathians have tended to be better off and are hence more generous, while Daurians are more tight-fisted and will less willingly contribute to shared dinners and gifts for mutual colleagues and special occasions.

Throw into this potent mix, a Daurian boss imported from native Daur and relocated to Malaysia, and you can see why there is cause for concern among the Carpathians. In all fairness, the language-challenged Carpathians are also a suspicious lot. Fiercely protective and proud of their culture, very competitive, frequently quick to take offense where none is meant, they are also not the most adorable of the lot. What they fear most is being taken advantage of by the Daurians, knowing there is no way they can out-present the Daurians where wit and communication skills come into play.

With a Daurian boss, this challenge is compounded since inevitably a Carpathian will feel that the Daurian boss would tend to favor his Daurian subordinates over the non-Daurian ones. And a Carpathian who is not recognized for his performance would be dissatisfied over how his Daurian boss is taking the credit for work that a Carpathian has done. My colleagues who have gotten closer to me over the years are increasingly agitated, fearing that the Carpathians will be out-numbered, out-witted, out of favor. They look on with suspicion when the two Daurian managers leading our division head out for a smoke together.

I, against my best judgement, will also tend to agree with them. They had lost a good Carpathian boss, a good-looking, easy-going, charismatic leader who was then replaced by a Daurian imported from Daur. This new boss who is hardly in the office, spends a lot of time smoking on the days he’s in for work. While the Carpathian boss used to walk around and personally request his staff to take on random assignments like decorating the office mural or doing an ad-hoc presentation for visitors, the replacement Daurian boss hides in his seat and gets one of his staff to send out an email asking for volunteers, implying that he does not want to have to pick among his people and “force” them instead to do presentations or take on assignments.

Should we give this new Daurian some time to acclimatize to local culture, since he is from native Daur and not from our country? Yes, we should. Maybe from the point of view of a foreigner like him, the Carpathians also require a lot of getting used to. I am a Carpathian myself, although less culturally so, and even I find my fellow Carpathians too ultra-conservative at times. If this new manager were a Westerner, we would definitely be more tolerant and understanding of any of his eccentricities. Our resistance currently stems from an in-grown lack of trust cultivated since childhood towards the Daurians. Without realizing it, we take on the prejudices of our parents, forefathers and we perpetuate it throughout adulthood and onward to our kids.

Even if we started off neutral, we would see an instance of racism that works against our favor, and we would feel justified in having to “stand for and protect our own”. Where does this end? It doesn’t, not unless you decide to end it in yourself. It is hard, there is peer pressure, and the very real risk of your own “group” turning against you. When I tried to be neutral, my fellow Carpathians told me I had no stand - no guts or balls, to put it bluntly. If I had said the same to them on any other occasion in any other scenario, they would have been mightily offended.

I confess, it would be so much easier to jump on the band-wagon and agree with them “Bloody Daurian bosses, going out for a smoke again. They must be scheming to get us all to resign so they can build a Daurian empire”. But thinking like that just perpetuates our own suffering and self-created misery. And even at the risk of losing any remaining popularity I have, I will not follow the herd. Suspend any sort of judgement; that is the easier way. Only time will prove if this new boss is worthy. In the meantime, hoping for the best is the only insurance for greater peace of mind.

What color is happiness?

2010-09-29T22:44:00.007+08:00

What color is happiness? What is its texture? Does it have a scent? Where do you feel happiness, on your body, in your heart, in your mind? How do you make it happen and how can you make it stay?

There is no single answer to all of the above. Happiness just means different things to different people. All of us perceive it differently. We spend our whole lives chasing it, wishing for it, dreaming about it. Yet it is as elusive as the half-remembered scent of our nanny, or perhaps the refrain of a kindergarten song, even the buzz of an invisible mosquito. The most maddening of all is that before you even realize you’re happy, the feeling is gone and you have stopped feeling happy.

But I am happy now- not just today, not just this week. I have been like this for two whole weeks. Haha - I can hear the collective groans now. You thought I was going to say I’ve been euphoric for the last twenty or thirty years, didn’t you? Whaddaya think I am, enlightened? Of course I’m not. I’m an ordinary human being like you, call me defiled, infidel or a sinner, depending on what religion you go with. And I’m an atheist.

However, this feeling is real, and it is not God-given, at least not in the conventional sense of the word “God”. Let me try to describe it to you. The world feels surreal, as if I’m in a dream, but I know I’m dreaming (lucid dreaming, I think, is the right term for this). And I watch everything from outside of this dream, even though I’m part of the dream. There is a sense of space between “me” and the world I am in. I seem to be floating in this space, and there is great peace and tranquility here. This space seems connected to the center of my being, my core, and I can tap into this core and sense the serenity there. This core is still, quiet, yet deep and rich. It just resides there and I didn’t do anything to make it appear, manifest or happen.

And I feel connected with everyone, everything. There is no thinking needed. Whatever I say or do is real, sincere, I don’t have to plan nor worry about the day or the people I meet. There is also a greater sense that everything is going to be okay- life in general (mine and others’), the world, the journey onwards from here on. It is all good, it is all fine, all things will work out. I also sense that everything right now is as it was meant to be. Every moment that preceded this was meant to bring me right to this place, this point in time, this very second. It is all so right, somehow. And it is supposed to make sense, yet I can’t explain it because I didn’t use my logic or powers of deduction to arrive at this conclusion.

Is this incomprehensible? Yes, probably so. Bizarre, even. I now realize happiness is not the adrenaline-pumping euphoria of striking a lottery or being crowned the winner of a beauty pageant. True happiness is a subtle inner joy, a deep sense of bliss born of letting go of everything, of attachments to things, people, environments, of expectations of the world and how people in it should act, of facing, knowing and accepting your true self, of acknowledging and getting through your innermost desires and fears.

And I think this happiness of mine was probably below the surface all this while, but I was neither aware nor in touch with myself enough to see it before. I think all of us can get to this point. It is a personal journey and no one can show you the way. I like to think that this is a result of living fully and being your best self in each moment, being honest and sincere with yourself and with others at all times. It is letting go of wanting things to be different in order for you to be happy. It is an acceptance of where you are at this moment and not needing or desperately wishing for something to happen or someone to appear to rescue you to make things better.

The simpler your life-style, the faster you will get here. Everything around you is just noise, distraction. It is not real. The real stuff’s inside you. That’s where all the answers are. I will state for the record, though, that I didn’t get here by meditation practice. I have long periods of alone time, not by choice at first, before I gradually began to enjoy my solitude. On non-workdays, I don’t say a word unless I’m at the gym or ordering my meal. The number of friends I have (the real ones) can be counted on the fingers of one hand. I live with no-one. When I wake up in the morning, when I retire at night, there’s just me. But the silence is soothing, comforting, welcoming. It has brought me this peace.

How would I advise you to get here? Meditation, solitude (embrace it instead of fearing it, solitude does not equal loneliness), acceptance and an attitude of letting go. Appreciation and gratitude. Sincerity and honesty. Let go of competition, let go of comparing. Stop seeking the approval of others. Stop looking for happiness, it is not a goal. It is a product of a life lived with the aim of the greater good of all – yourself and others. Most importantly, live in the now, stop looking to the past. My journey - getting my heart broken, is definitely not the recommended way.

So to answer my earlier questions above - happiness (mine at least), has no color. It is more of a hue, a shade of feeling that is all-encompassing, rich yet subtle in texture, it has no scent that is discernible yet it is oddly familiar. It is powerful, gentle, pure. You feel it within your inner being, your core. And you can’t make it stay. You just ride and walk along with it for as long as you can sense its presence. It may even be a part of yourself, who can tell?

When the heart is broken…

2010-08-22T00:04:00.005+08:00

Two months (almost three considering my last post was on June 6th) is a long time to be away. There has been a lot going on, many changes on many levels, both professionally and personally. Now I am back a changed person. I have been challenged, heart-wise, work-wise, health-wise. At one point I was spending complete weekends and those in-between hours when I was not working, curled up miserably in bed with my water pillow (a blessed present from a great friend). When you are depressed, your energy just deserts you. The idea of getting up to fix a meal, take a shower, or even look for the TV remote appeals as much as swallowing a sandwich made of corrugated card-board. The world just passes you by while you alternately sit or lie down in a stupor. You can function physically but your mind just locks down and goes off into its own world. And your thoughts, they go around in never-ending circles, each one more negative than the one before it, until fatigue takes over and you fall asleep.

If you have ever felt like that, rest assured that you are not alone. We all experience periods of deep depression, indescribable misery or emotional pain, and usually this is preceded by a personal crisis from which we cannot envision a solution for. In times like this, it is best to be kind to yourself and just see to the daily routine of self-hygiene, getting to work, driving safely, eating at the right times and paying your bills. This is not the time to undertake challenges like organizing events or throwing parties, or to make life-changing decisions about changing your job or place of residence. Basically, you need time for the mind to calm itself, for the turmoil to die down and the dust to settle, before you can begin to function effectively again.

And it is good to cry. Because crying is being kind to yourself, taking the time to release your sorrow, regret and grief for things that can never be. Don’t pretend to be strong, especially not to yourself. Acknowledging your own hurt is a sign of courage. It means you are admitting to yourself that you can be hurt, that you feel pain, that you are not invincible. But mostly when you have allowed yourself to feel your own sorrow, to be vulnerable and exposed, you realise that you are greater than any emotion you face, and that there is no pain you cannot overcome. Such is the human spirit. We are much stronger than we know, more resilient than we realize. We can have our hearts broken to pieces and yet we will bounce back. And yet it is this pain we fear that holds us back from committing, from investing our feelings in our own future, with different people in more deserving relationships.

I am speaking of course, of romantic relationships. These are the relationships that can be the most fulfilling, the ones that define our lives and the paths we take. They are the foundation on which we build and shape our future. It is precisely because the emotional bonds within relationships such as these are so deep and so strong that we are almost destroyed when the relationship crumbles and falls apart. And as we stare aghast at the wasted land of our broken hearts, we are stunned by how painful it can be and how no words can describe or prepare you for how it feels and how to handle the situation you are in. The ensuing pain we feel and the depth of emotion that is released reminds us of how human we are. We are left questioning our very own existence, our reason for being. We wonder how much of our previously entwined lives are left to salvage now that we are now no longer part of a paired unit.

Having your heart broken is only good material for songs, poems, plays and movies. In reality, it is astonishingly guttural, it knocks the wind out of you, and you are left rasping and breathing in the anguished, tortured agony of one condemned. There is nothing romantic or beautiful about it, there is no escaping from it. Intense and raw, it eats away and gnaws at you from the inside until you wish you could take a brick and knock yourself unconscious into a blissful state of memory loss. And you know that whatever you are experiencing, you will have to relive many times over, in varying degrees of intensity and frequency, until your heart is completely healed.

If on a scale of 0-10, you scored a bliss rating of 8 for that elation you felt when you first fell in love, then you wonder why this pain is magnified to a 30 for the pain you feel upon the loss of that same love. The scale simply does not work the same way. We feel pain more keenly than bliss, we are just wired that way. There are times when your mind will logically contemplate, and conclude that you should just jump out of a window of the nearest tall building. “Surely, that would be the easiest way?”, it whispers suggestively to you. And then what would hold you back? Because if the one you love does not value you, why should you value yourself?

Well, it is precisely because this person did not value you that it is imperative you value yourself. Why waste a good life (yours) on someone who does not appreciate you? Are you not thankful that this person is no longer around to waste more years of your life? Are you not grateful that you have been given a second chance, to find someone more appreciative of who you are and what you stand for? For every painful day you wake up to and attend to your daily routine, there are those who cherish your presence in their lives, who would be deeply affected should you choose to end it all. And get this, the pain you feel, however gut-wrenching, is temporary. You will grow, overcome, evolve and transcend it. And you will be rewarded along the way, acquiring the sacred gifts of courage, compassion, humility and authenticity.

Yes, letting go hurts like hell. That fact is undeniable. Sometimes long after a relationship is over, we harbor secret hopes of a reconciliation, continuing to hold on even when every logical instinct tells us it is futile and senseless to hope. In reality, we let go in stages. First the brain lets go, but the heart holds on. Then the heart starts letting go, then it clings and hopes, then it hopes even more, before it lets go a little more and so on until the final recognition that all is really over, unsalvageable, and that there is no turning back. That is when true healing occurs.

So how do we know when to let go? Sometimes we may have already started moving on without realizing it. But even if you haven’t, you will know it is time to let go when holding on hurts more than letting go. It involves distancing yourself from the source of your pain, the person you think you love, and seeing things as they are, not as how you wish them to be. A broken heart can addle up your brain to the extent that you are willing to do anything to resume the relationship, to stop the hurt. You may even compromise your values and accept back an ex on their terms, not yours. The key is to understand where you are coming from. Are you just desperate and fear being alone? Is there really no way to find happiness again without this person in your life? Are you really in love or are you just addicted to or obsessed with a person you can’t have?

Call a time out. Live for a while without contact with this person. Reach out to friends. They can be a source of great comfort. Seek solace from their support. Be accepting of your pain instead of wishing it would go away. See if you can survive the darkest time of your life. You may surprise yourself. You will gradually feel your strength coming back, you will have faith again, you will believe. When you have weathered the darkest storm, you will have learnt one of life’s greatest lessons, that of facing your worst fears. Not going around them, not avoiding them but going through them and coming out on the other side unscathed. Your heart may have been broken, your spirit may have been broken (for a while), but you will realize that there is always more love to give.

You will have to survive a thousand heart-breaks of different kinds in your lifetime, the pain of separation, of bereavement. That is the price of loving and being loved, it is the mark of a life well-lived. Having your heart broken is a sign that you have well and truly loved. It is really a badge of honor, not something to be ashamed of. Wear it with pride.

The Malays roared and I had been oblivious

2010-06-16T11:07:00.003+08:00

I had never wanted to turn this into a politics-dissecting blog, but as they say, it's easier on the ego to criticize others than to clean your own backyard. And then they also say to cut one's nose to spite one's face. I have been really impatient about the way UMNO is running the country. I personally wanted to tell Sibu folks of their stupidity had they lost the recent by-election. I ought to go down to Hulu Selangor and tell the Indians there, I told you so! To the Borneons who rant about how Peninsular raped and pillaged their land to prosper this side, they had not been playing their role of influencing the voters to seek the alternative view anyway. You should have done your part. You should care enough for your state to seek to change your way of life.

It is true about the Law of Attraction - when you seek you are given. In 2009 I read a blog about why this lawyer thought that Melayu tidak bacul and I wondered aloud if the majority of Malays were like him. It is the silent majority who give de-facto power to the small population of ruling party members. If we have an open dialogue or open blogs-of-opinions such as this, then everyone would start to see the common cause, common grouse that they all had been having all along. So ever since then, I have started to notice more and more Malay bloggers who oppose UMNO. And that is a great sign!

Similarly, it is important for the non-Muslims to speak up about issues that they oppose, such as whether Chinese are supporting PAS for their own interests. Or on the issue of a non-Muslim Prime Mnister. Yes, that is why I wrote a piece on how annoyed I am with some Chinese-educated people. Have you read the fervent defence of Gerakan supporters of UMNO in the comments section of a number of political blogs? How is it that when the bigger evil is your parent, you harp on the juvenile evils of Pakatan Rakyat states? A wrong is a wrong no matter what side you are on. Even better is if you don't take sides, then you can bash both parties the way Pete does.

When I read Pete's gameplan for Zaid Ibrahim and a few intellectual Malays to join DAP, I felt repulsion. It's the same way I had to find a Malay exco member for my university's society committee - it's purely window-dressing. I'm glad Zaid Ibrahim chose PKR, because to join a Chinese party is like an acting puppet - I could imagine the lack of sincerity when PAS would be a better common cause. It is better to form the non-Muslim PAS supporters group, and I am sure I will join the group. I've not attended an Opposition ceramah ever since my first voting right, but I'll support PAS anytime over Gerakan, which again are puppets.

According to Pete, the Malays woke up in the 1998 REFORMASI movement. I was never aware of that. In Pete's book, he said that BERSIH showed how non-Muslims protested alongside Muslims. I was totally oblivious to the impact of BERSIH until I saw some photo-grabs of the protestors. In contrast only 600 Muslims attended a Perkasa gathering on 13 May. Again a good sign!

In his parting words, he said that Malays should stand up to defend their non-Muslim brothers and sisters when UMNO tries to start racial riots. He said that non-Muslims could not be expected to take the lead. I could not imagine being defended by Malays, but what if it does happen? I have no close Malay friends, only a few Malay acquaintances from school. I agree I'd defend any friend I knew if I saw a stranger wielding a parang trying to hack my friend, but we're talking about a stranger Malay fending off an attack on a stranger Chinese. I can't believe it, we can finally become a country like Singapore (which is a better thing than Malaysia). I'm actually looking forward to the political climate change.

The Phases of Maturity

2010-06-06T21:56:00.016+08:00

I’ve been reading about maturity these days and thought I'd share some interesting findings. (For the purposes of this post, I am referring to emotional or mental maturity whenever I mention “maturity”.) Physical maturity is a given, you start ageing the moment you are born. But emotional maturity can remain stagnant until the day you die.

Emotional maturity doesn’t always come with age. Two people of the same biological age may not have the same level of maturity, because maturity is not something that you can just decide to learn. There is no course to take, although some books may open up your mind, provided you are already at a level which is conducive to assimilating the learning offered.

Neither is maturity necessarily a product of one’s environment; the same circumstances may produce varying degrees of emotional growth in different individuals. That is why people react differently to similar personal crises in their lives – some are strengthened and gain deep spiritual insights, while others become traumatized or remain mired in resentment and bitterness for the rest of their lives.

So how does a person evolve emotionally? Stephen Covey calls it the Maturity Continuum, although he interprets this slightly differently within the framework of his renowned “Seven Habits”. Broadly, we can categorise the evolution of emotional maturity into 3 main phases:

Phase 1 – Reactive Victim

At this phase, a person is largely conditioned by their circumstances, by people around them, by factors outside of their control. This person’s feelings fluctuate day to day depending on how the external weather is, how people perceive them, what friends and family think of them or say to them. These people live from “outside-in”, seeking external validation of their self-worth, their identity governed by their parents, associates, boss or teacher’s scripts.

A person such as this is always a victim of something that has happened to them, or someone who hasn’t come through for them. They could do their best if only life or the people around them didn’t make things so difficult for them. Their language is one of determinism and negativity. They blame circumstances, their spouse, their parents, their genes, God, even the stars, for making them who they are.

They are out of control, victimized, not in charge of their life or destiny. Their principle is that life is difficult and they absolve themselves of all responsibility for the way they are. All they do is face problem after problem, and there is never any happiness for them, they are totally vanquished and defeated.

Phase 2 – Proactive Warrior

A Phase 2 person recognizes that they are responsible for their own lives. They take charge, they take the initiative to make things happen. They realize that what they are today is a result of choices they have made in the past, and the choices they make today will shape their future. These people take control of the blueprint of their lives. They do not react to external stimuli, they live from "inside-out". They have their own internal weather, come rain or shine. You probably know people like this. They are positive, they possess initiative, they do not indulge in blame nor do they harp at factors outside of their control.

These people are inspiring, they show you that there is a proactive way to live your life, that you can choose to walk away from conditions that you do not want to be in, that you can choose to create conditions of your choice, and consequently live out a life of your dreams. (When a Phase 1 person comes to this stage, it is an eye-opener for them. Because when you know that you are responsible for your life, you will recognise that Phase 1 victims are not out-of-control, they are just being irresponsible.)

A proactive warrior has a strong sense of identity, they are validated from within. They can say to themselves, “no matter what happens today, no matter how my day goes, I choose happiness”. This is the phase of empowerment, of personal accountability. The danger of being in this phase is that a proactive warrior may become a control freak. They try to manage and control all possible outcomes, planning and analyzing every move to get the best results, their own desired results. They may end up manipulating people without even realizing it, or possibly over-protect and dominate their loved ones. It is necessary to recognize that even though you are empowered, you have to act with wisdom and integrity, for the greater good of all.

Phase 3 – Peaceful Yielder

There comes a point in the life of a Phase 2 warrior where even with the most meticulous planning and flawless execution, they are faced with an outcome that was not what they anticipated or bargained for. They may be struck with a crisis, such as being a victim of downsizing, be suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness, they may be betrayed by their spouses or business associates. Crises are especially difficult for the Phase 2 warrior. Unlike the Phase 1 victim, the Warrior takes full responsibility for all that is happening to them. They may scrutinize, ruminate and unendingly relive their pasts, trying to discover where they went wrong, how they could have avoided the situation they are in now.

Finally, they come to full acceptance of their circumstances, and they begin to surrender to the moment. They understand that life is meant to be lived, not controlled. They begin to see that in truth, control is illusory and some events will unfold in its most natural way no matter how much you will it to be otherwise. They learn to go with the flow, to know that they can give their best and still be able to deal with whatever outcome they are faced with. This is the stage of surrender. They have learnt to yield. Sometimes they appear to have mellowed. In truth, they have just gracefully accepted life’s offering and learnt to be at peace. This is a form of spiritual evolution. There is dignity, grace and serenity at this stage.

A Phase 3 yielder, having faced a personal crisis, may also start to find new meaning in their lives. There is new purpose, yet with it comes the freedom to yield. Where they are no longer preoccupied with living the life of their dreams, they may find fulfillment in a life lived in service to others. With their newfound compassion and humility, they are better equipped to reach out to others in pain and in need of emotional support. The Yielder realizes that what they thought they wanted in Phase 2 is nothing compared to the richness of their lives in Phase 3. They realize that wrong things sometimes happen for a good reason. They start to experience gratitude. They have become wise.

So can a Phase 1 person jump to Phase 3? No, for they have not understood the meaning of responsibility. They choose to do nothing because they believe they cannot change anything. That is not yielding with wisdom. We have to learn to be responsible before we can learn to be wise. Phase 1 victims are fatalistic, they are not at peace. They have not achieved self-validation. The majority of the population is at Phase 1. Perhaps some leaders are in Phase 2. But you would see Phase 3 in spiritual communities. You can easily recognize them by their state of being, by the way they radiate inner peace and calmness.

So which phase should we aspire to be? Well, at least a non-manipulative Phase 2. Phase 2 is a point of personal leadership, a victory over one’s self. As for Phase 3, you will come to it when the time is right. And remember, when that time comes, just surrender with grace.

Love: Let it Start with Yourself

2010-05-22T23:03:00.007+08:00

We are all looking for love, are we not? Love is the way to ultimate happiness, so claim the chart-topping songs. When you find your soul-mate, your life is complete, book authors write. Loneliness is a big no-no, medical reports show. It leads to depression, increased suicide rates, shorter life spans due to poor mental health. And yet they neglect to tell us what the most important love of all is – Self-love; unconditional, totally-accepting, love of one’s self.

We are all indoctrinated from childhood by our parents, teachers, religions, cultures with the concept that we are deficient in some way. Some religions say we are all sinners, some cultures encourage us to emphasise our flaws instead of accepting compliments, because being humble is a great virtue. They are all missing the point. Self-love is not about glorifying ourselves, or being narcissistic. It is not about going around filled with self-importance, having a superiority complex. It is about being comfortable in our own skin and although recognizing there are many facets of ourselves that still need improvement, we like the essential, unfinished, unpolished work-in-progress that we currently are.

But what is there to love, you ask? You don’t know what I’ve done in the past. So? Do you have to be perfect in order to love yourself? So you’ve made mistakes, but who hasn’t? Now that you see and recognize the mistakes, have you taken the necessary steps to make amends, redeem your wrongdoings? If you haven’t, then what is stopping you? If you have, then why haven’t you forgiven yourself? Most importantly, have you grown from the experience? Do you see my point? Self-love is about accepting ourselves, flaws and all, knowing that we are imperfect, that we may have committed grave errors in the past, done things or said things we regret, but in spite of it all we can accept ourselves at the end of it as being human and we can forgive ourselves in order to move on.

Dr Brian Weiss, in his book “Same Soul, Many Bodies” writes: “Self-love is the basis for love of others. It is where real charity begins. When you love yourself, it will spill over; when you don’t love yourself, your energy will consciously or unconsciously be focused on finding it, and you won’t have time for anybody else. Self love isn’t selfish; it’s healthy self-esteem.” How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself? If you think you are boring and cannot stand to spend time with yourself, why do you think anyone would want to spend time with you?

So how do we start to love ourselves? First, the obvious: we have to get to know ourselves. Undoubtedly, we’ve lived with ourselves since the day we were born, but not many of us have a deep level of self-awareness, or self-understanding. Do you know, for instance, if you are introverted or extroverted, expressive or uncommunicative, industrious or laidback, proactive or reactive, predisposed to or averse to challenges? What are your talents? What are your interests? What are your strengths? What is most important to you? Where is your energy most focused on? What are your issues – those hot buttons that make you explode? What are your principles, the fundamental precepts of your life? Are you living a life of purpose, fulfilling your potential? Are you living with people who bring out the best in you? Are you living according to your beliefs?

You will find some of the questions difficult to answer, because it asks of you a deep level of honesty with yourself. You will notice that if you are emotionally mature and already self-aware, it will be easier to answer many of those questions (in fact, you may have already asked yourself these questions long ago). If you find yourself avoiding some questions because they are uncomfortable, then there may be an issue you are trying to skirt, a secret fear you are unwilling to admit to or face. And the discovery of that aspect of yourself will help you to understand yourself better.

Second then, we have to ask ourselves, now that we know who we are and what our values are, is whether we like who we are. If not, then why? A lot of self-loathing springs from guilt, because we act against our principles and hate ourselves for doing it. If for example, you detest office politics, but find yourself engaging in these corporate games to maintain your status quo or position in your company, a deep part of yourself will forever remain unhappy. This is because you are uncomfortable with who you are and what you’re doing. You can of course justify to yourself that everyone else is doing it and it is necessary for corporate survival. But somewhere inside the deeper recesses of your mind you feel there should be another, more fulfilling way. Your conscience pricks at you. Over time, you numb yourself to that little voice of reason by looking for distractions. Life loses its meaning because you have disconnected from that part of yourself that is pure, wise and true.

Turning this around takes courage. You need to recognize that you are unfulfilled, and discover the reason why. Then only can you take the steps to change your actions and your life. Sometimes, this requires re-defining ourselves, re-setting our priorities, even sacrificing some material comforts and losing some friends in the process. But ultimately you are beginning to live according to your beliefs, and that will be for the greater good of all. As you reconnect with that part of yourself that is genuine, authentic, you will have peace, you sleep better at night, because you now understand what matters and you let go of what does not. In other words, you have grown.

So, now that you know yourself, your principles, and you lead a life according to your beliefs, do you love yourself yet? No? You think you need someone to love you, to validate your worth, before you can start cherishing yourself? Then the third step is to meditate. Tap into your intuitive wisdom. Quiet your mind and stop the thinking. Stop looking for love, and instead reach out and love. Think of love not as a noun, but as a verb. Something to be done instead of owned. You have to remember love is always around you, you just need to reach out and tap into it. Every life is precious, and yours is no less dear than the rest.

Ironically, you will find that as you start to like yourself more, you have more energy for others. There is always more to give, because you already have enough. The world becomes abundant, instead of scarce. There is no need to compete, because we have more than we need. It becomes unnecessary to force your viewpoint on others, because everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and perceives the world according to the way they are. There is nothing you cannot forgive, because you have already forgiven yourself. Nobody can hurt you, because there is an eternal, immortal part of yourself that can never be harmed, that is essentially changeless, that is inherently good and wise. And you will know peace. And who knows, when you have stopped looking for it, that is when love will find you.

A reverse world: If Straight were the new Gay..

2010-05-06T15:21:00.009+08:00

Picture this. You are born into a different world, an alternate reality. Everyone in this world still looks the same, but there is a new universal law at play. In this world, sex with the opposite gender is forbidden, taboo and in some parts of the world punishable with the death sentence, no trial and no appeals allowed.

I know you’re either going to burst out laughing or you’re shaking your head, thinking “what the ..?” But bear with me a moment here and follow my reasoning. They say the world is over-populated, right? Statistics have shown that the rate of growth of the human race will overtake the available, sustainable resources the Earth is able to provide. In other words, at the current rate of reproduction, we will reach a point where we will either starve to death or die of dehydration.

The solution? Clone gay humans, people who can work, contribute to our GDP, without need of food, water or government funded health-care. Oh and these clones won’t need to reproduce, because we can just go on cloning more of them. So clones should be human in all respect, except that they are only allowed to have sex with the same gender. Yup, a gay humanity, with no risk of accidental pregnancies and primitive, vaginal child-births.

Why not make asexual clones then, you ask? Then there will be no urges to satisfy, since sex is not necessary. Well, because we want the clones to be as human as possible, you dolt. So they must have intelligence, feelings, moods and errr.., horniness. So clone straight humans with no reproductive organs then, you say. Man, you just love splitting hairs, don’t you? Look, this is my blog ok, and I say cloning straight humans with no reproductive organs is more complicated (and expensive) than messing with their brain circuits and making them gay. (don’t quote science and dispute me on this, alright, this is my alternate reality and my rules are different)

OK, so if you follow me so far, the basic premise of this set-up then, is that everyone is gay. And it’s the most natural thing in this world, really. Women love women, men love men. They get married, live together, bring up a clone-kid as their own. Men don’t look at women, and vice-versa. People just don’t get turned on by the opposite sex. Nobody even talks about sexual intercourse, because it is simply not done. At the movies, you see Julia Roberts and Ellen Degeneres in Pretty Woman (Richard Gere is a struggling, ageing waiter in a run-down nightclub). Brokeback Mountain is a box-office hit. Twilight is only produced as a B-flick and distributed in straight night-clubs, all hush-hush and sold at a premium price since the cops can jail you if you’re in possession of such smut.

Your friends are happily married to their same-sex partners. But you have a horrible secret. You are straight. (Darn… ) That means, if you’re a woman, you lust after George Clooney, Robert Downey Jr, Brad Pitt. Or you’re a man who keeps pictures of bikini-clad Jessica Alba or Pamela Anderson in a safe, under lock and key. You willingly pay exorbitant dollars for your copy of Twilight. Same-sex colleagues think you’re cute and some hit on you. They even ask you out for a cup of coffee after work. And you can only say no because they’re not your type. But you can’t tell them you are actually attracted to the opposite sex.

So now what do you do? You have to hide your secret, because otherwise people will think you’re weird. You struggle when you are growing up, wondering why you are different from the others. You can tell no one, because they would not understand you. Your same-sex parents keep asking you to find a life-partner, get married and settle down with a clone kid. But I’m into hunks, not chicks, you wail (as spoken from a female perspective, which I will take from this point on). And because you’re a closet straight, it makes it very difficult for you to meet fellow straights without revealing your own inclination. Even though you should have a “straight” radar, it’s not accurate a hundred percent of the time. And acting on a wrong radar reading just guarantees a great deal of embarrassment for all parties involved.

Consequently, you feel you are doomed to loneliness your whole life. Why is being straight such a stigma? You didn’t even choose to feel this way. Trying to love another woman is like asking for the sun to rise in the west tomorrow. Just because the majority of people love a different way, it doesn’t mean you are any less human than any of them. You hurt, you bleed, you eat, you sleep, you cry, you laugh just like the rest of them. So what makes them so special just because there are more of them than there are of you? Who gives them the right to call you weird? To you, they are just as weird and incomprehensible as you are to them.

It is a difficult world you live in. Just like being a left-hander in a right-handed oriented population, everything is tailored to the gay-majority. Books are written with heroine and heroine couplings, a hero confesses his love to the 2nd hero and gets accepted with a passionate kiss at the end of the movie. You feel the joy for them but it doesn’t resonate for you as well as if, say, you had watched “Love Story” with Ali MacGraw and Ryan O’Neal. You even try to respond to an intimate overture with another woman only to come out feeling worse, and even more certain that being gay is not for you.

On top of that, the Bible says that being straight is wrong, and having sex with the opposite sex makes you a sinner. Allah offers no retribution either. Buddhism says you can be celibate since meditation is better than sex. But relationships are not about just sex, are they? We are looking for a connection with another human being, someone who can relate to us on the deepest levels of our soul, where physical intimacy has a much more profound meaning than satisfying a temporary, horny itch.

And so you struggle. You have an identity crisis, you go through a long period of denying then finally accepting that you’re straight, you realize your God does not approve of you. You take refuge in other pursuits such as food, travel, shopping, and tell yourself it’s ok to be alone. To a certain extent you can find meaning in your life, but only in the most superficial sense. You still cannot find home, because you cannot be yourself in front of others. Because you know they will judge you. And those who don’t judge, those lovely, accepting happily- attached gay gal-pals, well they can empathise but they certainly can’t relate.

And that is what it must be like to be gay in a straight world, to be a silently-suffering minority, where only the very rich or famous dare to come out of the closet with no fear of retribution, except maybe at the risk of reduced votes or fans, whichever may be the case. If you live in a conservative, third-world country and you choose to come out, your family may be dishonoured or you could be stoned to death or sentenced to raping just to “make you right”. Neighbors stare at you, then look away, shaking their heads. It is as if you were a pedophile, or a murderer. Your parents may even commit suicide from the shame.

So doesn't this bring us to the inevitable conclusion: that maybe those who are gay are not so very different after all. Perhaps, they were just born into an alternate reality (ours) and are looking to find home. All we need to do to help them is to give them our acceptance. It is not so difficult to do that, is it, once you see things from their perspective?

(Note: For the record, this writer is a straight female who believes in celebrating diversity)

Bare-naked Yoga

2010-04-19T19:19:00.004+08:00

Naked yoga, it seems, is fast catching on in the West. Although mostly popular with gay men, co-ed classes are also being offered in some studios, where women join the class alongside the guys (both parties not necessarily gay). Nude yoga is all about shedding inhibitions, they say, being comfortable in your own skin, facing your insecurities about your body. It is supposedly not sexual.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’d as soon get naked in a room full of strangers as I would voluntarily cut off my own little pinky and then have it re-attached in the hospital. Look, I can’t even undress in front of another woman, let alone other men I am not acquainted with. The only people who have seen me in the buff are those who took care of me as an infant, surgeons who have had me on the operating table, and my ex. Even the lovely saleslady who helped me ensure my bra was a good fit waited patiently outside the fitting room until I had safely ensconced my bosom into the cups, before she came in to join me (with the door kept narrowly open for her to slip in as quickly as possible, of course). Whereupon she twisted, adjusted and critically evaluated whether the bra was the right size, whether I was over-flowing out of them, if the straps were pinching me and whether the side band hugged my ribs snugly enough.

At spas, I cringe at the skimpy, see-through, disposable panty they ask us to change into for the massage session, and as I lie on my stomach on the massage table, I worry myself sick that the masseuse will request for me to turn around onto my back so that she can massage my stomach and (horrors!) my chest area. I admire those people who are so comfortable in their own bodies, imperfections and all, that they can nakedly stroll along totally unconcerned in spas, shower rooms and changing rooms. In my gym locker room, for instance, I once saw a fifty-plus American woman emerge topless from the shower. Mind you, she was no sleek Madonna, but just one of those regular, let-it-all-hang-out Westerners who would feel just as home sunbathing nude on our Malaysian beaches.

Young girls also walk out of the sauna all sweaty, untying their towels and retying them without a thought (flashing their you-know-whats in the process) while I hastily avert my eyes and try to act nonchalant - you know, like I see other people’s boobies as often as I read packaged food labels. Sometimes office executives will rush in wearing their work clothes, hurriedly ripping of their professional attire and stand there in their undergarments while they fish out the Nike top and dri-fit bottoms out of their bags. They don’t even bother to use the toilet stalls or the changing rooms to undress. Then there are of course prudes like me who find a safe corner to change (be it in the loo stall or shower stall) and only comb our hair or replenish our lipstick in public.

So would I attempt yoga with a group of only women, in nothing but my birthday suit? Well, I might, IF I did not know even one of them, and IF I would never meet them again outside of class. But even having these conditions met, I am a neurotic worrier, and possess a vivid imagination, and I’m not sure if speaking with the yoga instructor (preferably clothed, both she and I) prior to the class would help allay my fears. The following would be among the most awkward worries on my mind:

1. Where would I undress? Other than the people in the studio and the instructor, would the receptionist, the guys at the machines and treadmills, the salespeople showing the new people around, also see me in all my naked glory as I dashed to the studio from the changing room?

2. As I go in for class, should I sashay in confidently, catwalk style, pretending I’m fully clothed? Or do I tone it down a notch, and merely look kinda cool and slightly bored, you know, like, I’m walking from my bathroom to the bedroom to pick up my towel after my shower? Maybe I should tiptoe in furtively to avoid jiggling, arms crossed strategically across my chest?

3. Do I suck in my stomach to hold my pooch tight as I walk in, and can I hold my ab muscles in that long? Will people notice how much I look like the Michelin man the minute I sit down?

4. What would the temperature of the room be like? Would my ends “pucker up” from the cold and would I start sneezing?

5. As I sit on my mat waiting for class to begin, should I sit cross-legged in lotus position, allowing my boobs to hang out? Or should I bend my knees and draw them to my chest, exposing my nether region to the world?

6. Should I make small talk with other people in class? Where do I look when I speak to them? Steadfastly in the eye, or can I cast casual glances all around, would that be considered rude?

7. Should I be insulted or flattered if people stared at my twins? Would I have to stare back at theirs to retaliate/return the compliment?

8. How do I avoid nipple mat-burn in sun salutations, you know, that series of movements where I lower my hips from downward dog, straightening forward into plank, lowering myself down smoothly to the mat (erm.. this is where it would happen) and then bending upwards into cobra (assuming I make it safely this far)?

9. Would I jab myself down there accidentally, in swan pose, when I place my heels against my groin?

10. Wouldn’t it be “drafty” to do a happy baby pose?

11. If I accidentally farted, would I be able to do it silently given that there are no garments to muffle the sound?

12. And another question I had before I watched a naked yoga session online (just to clarify, it was for educational purposes-pretty clinical and not sexual at all) – should I shave before class? Well, from the video, the chicks were all lean and clean-shaven. So I guess all of us who are hairy-mongers had best get our waxes done or at the very least landscape our little gardens of Eden before inflicting ourselves on the rest of the yoga population.

And so on and so forth. Didn’t I say I was a worrier?

So remind me again, why do people do naked yoga? Ah yes, it’s all about appreciating your body. “You're free of the restrictions that clothes put on and it puts everyone on even keel.", some sites proclaim. Like being in a room of flapping, bouncing bosoms (perhaps some not bouncing as much as the rest) of different sizes and different hues will remind us how each and every one of us are all one and the same. Couldn’t we do that by having everyone smile and we just observed their teeth instead?

Of course, over here in Asia, it is unlikely that we will have nude yoga classes anytime soon. For now, I think I’ll try buying a naked yoga home DVD and downward-dogging solo at home before I contemplate joining a class. At the very least, it would save me the trouble of waxing. Who knows, I might muster enough confidence to jump straight into a co-ed class by the time naked yoga is offered in Malaysia. And then, if a guy were sitting cross-legged beside me, I would be able to converse with him as if he were fully clothed. Where he would focus his eyes as we talked I cannot imagine, but then, that’s his problem, not mine.

Singledom - When "we" become "me"

2010-04-08T19:58:00.007+08:00

Having someone to love anchors you. It’s like a tree, with its branches swaying this way and that in the storm and wind, but always knowing where its roots are, and it knows that these roots will hold it firm no matter what the weather is like above ground. Being in a relationship is like that, especially when it’s long term. Very simply, it gives you a reason for being. Together, you have a cache of memories, a list of “first-time”s that you experienced together, a history that is un-erasable even if you choose to obliterate it from your memory. Over time, you even form catch-phrases, ditties and couple code-words that are known only to the two of you and understood by no one else. You are a unit, one defining the other.

I have read somewhere that the best part of being in a relationship is having someone to come home to. Someone, at the end, of the day, to have dinner with you, watch telly with you, who will listen to you, agree that you were right and whoever is currently pissing you off is in fact, an a**-h***. It makes all the frustrations in the preceding hours fade. When you know you are supported, and you have the knowledge that you are loved, that someone cares for and misses you and will be there for you, always. And knowing that you are all this person needs to make his/her day worth-while - well, that just completes the equation, doesn’t it?

Of course, in reality, you don’t always have dinner together, your partner may not even be a good listener, much less always agree with you. They may not always tell you they love you, but the fact that they are still with you counts for something. We all crave companionship, we are suckers for approval. We want to be told we matter, we are important, we are right. Being in an exclusive relationship grants you these privileges. Friends who may be occupied (they too have their own priorities) can cancel plans with you at the last minute. Ties with colleagues, however close, tend to fade into obscurity when you switch jobs, or you lose that common ground that set the foundation of your friendship in the beginning. Your family - they can marry, move away, even migrate.

But a partner is for life. (Ideally that is, we are not talking about short-term flings here) You wake up next to them, you fall asleep beside them. They’ll wait in the car while you go grab the fish, if you can’t find a spot to park at the market. That movie you’ve been waiting for, with Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law? They’ll watch it with you if none of your girl-friends are interested or free to go. They can be your main star or fall-back sidekick. They are a constant in your ever-changing world.

And that is why coming out of a long-term relationship is so disorienting. Even after you have come to terms with the pain and devastation of the loss, you feel awash, adrift on a sea of uncertainty. There are gaps, long periods of me-time that had previously been occupied with cooking, travelling, caring for another, activities planned and enjoyed together that you never ever thought of doing alone. When you are single, the world looks suddenly very different. All that is familiar only appear to remain the same. But the way you experience them changes.

If a thunderstorm used to make you huddle together under a blanket, toes curled up together, now the same storm makes you groan because you can’t go out and grab that hotdog you were going to have for dinner. The idea of going out alone in the rain is exhausting at best, if not totally depressing. Before, you used to share an umbrella, or even whip up a quick bowl of hot instant noodles for two if it rained at dinner time. Now, you either go without dinner, retiring early, or you don’t bother with the umbrella because you can’t remember if it’s in the car or in the office drawer. Besides, you can always shower again later when you get back, if you get caught in the rain.

If you used to make chicken stew, now you stir-fry minced chicken with week-old potatoes (and that’s only on the days you actually bother to walk to the kitchen stove instead of bringing back some nearby takeaway). You think of a dozen alternative short-cuts to cooking meals, running errands, paying bills, doing housework. Since you’re the only person that matters now, you do whatever is most convenient to you. The house gets clean only when you want to do it, not because someone else may find it uncomfortable or accuse you of being a slob. (there are no chances of the in-laws dropping by unannounced anyway) You can do your laundry once a month, since it takes twice as long to pile up a wash-load when you live alone. You do your hair as often as you like, in any style you fancy. You wear the clothes you like, however revealing or frumpy according to your mood, since everything is all about you now.

And as for the friends you make, well there is no limit on your time or freedom now. Suddenly you are more accessible to everyone. Being single grants you an approachability that coupledom does not. It is as if when you are in a relationship, there is an invisible barrier around you. People draw boundaries for you, assuming you have somewhere to rush off to, somebody to be accountable to, some place to go with someone else. But now, you can have random chats lasting an hour long, you can have a drink nearby if you fancy, girl-friends assume they can drop by and sleep over at any time, colleagues think you should be the one taking the boss out for dinner since you’re not staying with your family and have nothing to do anyway. Some well-meaning friends even say you should not be rejecting any social outings lest you waste an opportunity to meet someone special.

And suddenly, you are in the same boat as those single-single people. You know, those who have never been in a serious relationship and are waiting for the right one to emerge. They think that when it happens, they will know, like we knew Neo was “The One” in The Matrix. And you, having been there and done that, wonder if they realize what they are in for. And you try to be hopeful and supportive, rather than skeptical or cynical. You don’t give advice to these singles unless it’s asked for, because you realize that after all you’ve been through, you really are none the wiser. You realize that relationships are highly over-rated, and being in one and sustaining it takes more effort than most people would have you believe. You empathise with Sandra Bullock, Kate Winslet and Jennifer Aniston, because you’ve experienced up close the pain a break-up brings.

And you see these singles with new eyes. You understand what it’s like for them, having only themselves for company day in, day out. Doing things alone, often eating alone, seeing the doctor alone, attending official functions alone, making decisions alone. You now know why some single colleagues are so talkative in the office, mainly because there is no one to talk to at home. You know why they drive two hours back to their parents’ home every weekend, to be with their nieces and siblings. You understand why they spend the majority of their time shopping at the mall, why they never cook for themselves. You respect them because they know their way around town, while you used to have the luxury of a spouse who knew all the routes and just drove you to wherever it was you needed to go.

But then you realize that singlehood isn’t all the crap it’s made out to be. There are down days, but there are also days of intense joy and satisfaction. Life is simpler, more peaceful, even if less eventful. You learn new things about yourself and re-discover skills you thought you had lost. You now define yourself on your own terms. You learn to love yourself. You start to live in the present, and to look ahead without worry. You tell yourself that having survived this, you can weather anything, be it singledom or couplehood. You wonder what’s in store but you know that whatever happens, you will deal with it. And you realize the world isn’t such a bad place after all.

Decide to decide

2010-03-27T18:19:00.005+08:00

A co-worker who has recently grown close to me struggles with an affliction, what I would call a malady. Its name – “indecisiveness”. She tells me, the bigger decisions, those with ‘do or die’ consequences, she has no trouble with- for example, to marry or not to marry, to migrate or not to migrate, to move house or not to move house. The stuff she has trouble getting her mind around is whether or not to get the red Nike cross-trainers, or the latest pink Reebok running shoes, when neither price nor brand is a factor of concern. To decide what colour she would prefer for the company’s latest free employee jacket giveaway (“does the green or the red look better with my skin shade, do you think?”) To meet up with an old friend for lunch or go for a yoga session at the gym on the same day, or instead spend the whole day with her family who is dropping by for a visit. It is enough that she agonises incessantly over these mind-boggling issues, but she has to consult me for my opinion on these challenges of such grave import.

Why can’t you decide since the consequences of these decisions is insignificant either way, I ask her in exasperation. Because it is insignificant, she laments, therefore it is so difficult because the right choice is not obvious. I have a suspicion that she actually enjoys being indecisive, that delaying making up her mind brings her the joy of uncertainty, with the knowledge that until the last very possible moment, the outcome could go either way. (ooh, I may have either the red or green blazer, can’t wait till my mind decides what it wants, she probably thinks) My personal problem really, is to tell her to decide in her own sweet time and leave me in peace, away from her neither this-way-nor-that dithering. Sometimes she says, can you please decide for me and put me out of my misery? So I say “red” (as in the jacket scenario). Then come the inevitable counter-arguments. “But I already have so many red tops/blouses/tees. “ OK, the green then. “But green makes my skin so pale and ghastly-looking”. Look, flip a coin then, you tiresome broad, I bite my tongue just before it is about to unleash those scathing words.

It is no wonder that men find some women so annoying. At the mall, the girls window-shop all day, not sure what they are looking for, not knowing what they want. When they (finally!) find what they want, they hold back, thinking the next shop may have something they want even more. Then they back-track after another 2 hours, deciding that they want what they were at first not sure they wanted, after all. Then they can’t locate the shop where they found that thingy that they first set their eyes on two hours ago. (Hey, mall layouts are getting more and more complicated. You even need to look at the mall map to get back to the spot where you left your car). By this time, the said thingy (maybe a ridiculously skimpy blue lace top) becomes so elusive that they absolutely must have it now. And they won’t rest until that damn piece of rag is purchased and carried home safely nestled against their bosom, whereupon it will be thrown into the cupboard and forgotten for another two months. And the man of their life is desperately hatching up excuses for a way to avoid the next mall-trip ordeal.

Why do some women dither so? Look, just decide. If it’s the wrong decision, then you learn a lesson, and you remedy it. Act, then correct. Don’t act, and you won’t move. But even if you don’t act, please don’t torture your family and friends. Because chances are your indecisiveness is going to affect those around you. They have to shelve their own plans at the eleventh hour to accommodate yours, or they have to reject your appointment because they already have other engagements and feel like crap for doing so. (I don’t know about others, but saying no always makes me feel guilty no matter how justified I am in doing it) What’s the worst that can happen? Imagine when you were a baby and first began to stand up, if you’d thought, “Maybe I’ll try to stand up, I’m not sure if I dare, I think I’ll try in another year or two”, your parents would be taking you to the school for special kids, worried sick that something was terribly wrong with you.

What I do when I have a decision to make (and I only have trouble with the big ones) is to list down the advantages of decision A, B & C (up to Z if you have so many options to choose from at the same time – lucky you) and count the bullet points. Another thing is to assign weightage to those points I find more important than the rest. The decision, once drawn out like this, becomes clearer. Some people, like my friend above, prefer to consult a number of hapless friends. I hardly do that, except maybe with someone whose opinion I value greatly, who is wise and down-to-earth. The reason? Everyone has their own internal biases and prejudices. They could not possibly understand nor know everything that is going on with you. So while they may mean well, they may not be able to make the best possible choice for you. And having someone making a decision for you just gives you the unhealthy option of blaming them later on if anything goes wrong.

Another recommendation is to do your own research. Trawl the net and forums, there is a wealth of information out there by people who have travelled down the same road. You can hear both sides of the equation from neutral parties, strangers who have no vested interest in whatever you decide. They won’t be able to tell you what choice to make, but you may come across some nuggets of wisdom, something that didn’t occur to you, perhaps a possible repercussion of the decision you are about to make that you are absolutely unwilling to risk facing. And once you have come to your decision, make sure you go through with it. Give it time, at least six months, to evaluate if it was the best possible choice for you, before you decide you want to undo it. Some things take time for the benefits to be discernible.

But as with everything, the future is always uncertain. One action may lead to one thousand possible outcomes. Just go with the flow, knowing that you acted your utmost best in the moment, and you made your best decision based on what you knew at that very point in time. Then relinquish that control (it is illusory anyway) and watch life unfold.

Reiki - an experience

2010-03-15T21:06:00.004+08:00

Today’s post is for my lovable brother-in-law and other friends who have inquired about Reiki and asked me to describe my experience with it.

Introduction-what it is
The word Reiki, is a Japanese word which translates to mean Universe (“Rei”) and Energy (“Ki”). Together it is pronounced Ray-kee. It is considered a spiritual form of healing whereby those attuned to Reiki act as human channels to transfer Reiki energy to recipients who need it. Reiki is not a skill you are born with, you have to be attuned or initiated by a qualified Reiki master, much like the way we would magnetise a piece of iron. After attunement, Reiki students are taught the methods and applications of Reiki.

How it works
A common theory in many fields of energy healing is that all physical ailments start from the spiritual source (our inner body), or from our emotional or internal stresses, which over time, build up and manifest as a physical sicknesses. Therefore, all illnesses start with an energy imbalance. If you practise Reiki, you serve as a medium in which you can channel this abundant universal energy to a recipient in order to balance areas of their bodies (chakras/auras) where the energy is weak or blocked.

The 5 Reiki principles or “Go-kai”
A Reiki student is usually taught 2 stages of Reiki. Level 1 Reiki involves understanding the Reiki principles, and physical healing of self or patients by a laying-on of hands. The Reiki principles are a group of 5 precepts (a commonly worded translation follows):

Just for today
Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Work honestly
Be kind to others

Level 2 and symbols
In level 2 Reiki, the student is taught 3 different Reiki symbols which can be used to strengthen their level 1 energy, in addition to performing healing of emotional/mental issues (as opposed to only physical healing in level 1) and distant healing. Distant healing is by far the neatest aspect of level 2 Reiki. How it works is like this - wherever a recipient is, you can send them distant healing over time and space if you are attuned to level 2 Reiki. Which means that I, here in Malaysia, can send Reiki to someone in the US, as long as I know their name and have their address. I can also send Reiki into the past or future since energy (unlike the physical dimension) is not limited by time and space.

The intent
What I like about Reiki most is that it works independently of your beliefs. It is a spiritual energy, not a religion, so therefore it is suitable even for atheists. You cannot intend or will Reiki for any purposes of your own as the energy knows what to do and will flow to the area of the patient’s body where it is most needed. It is a healing energy, pure and simple, and cannot be bent by the mind of the practitioner to harm the patient or for any other diabolical (or nobly intended) purposes.

So if someone comes to you with a migraine and a sprained ankle, the Reiki energy itself will flow through your hands to where the energy is the weakest in the recipient’s body. You cannot tell Reiki to heal the migraine first, and then only the ankle, nor can you tell it to heal the ankle and ignore the migraine. You can place your hand over the ankle, but the recipient may feel a tingle on their heads instead. Reiki has a “mind” of its own, so to speak. As a practitioner, you just have to trust it to do what’s best and “get out of its way”.

Attunement
Prior to an attunement session, a Reiki master may instruct you to sit quietly in gassho meditation, reciting the Reiki principles. Gassho means “two hands coming together” and merely involves putting your hands together in prayer position, closing your eyes and quieting your mind. You can softly repeat the Reiki principles to yourself. During the Reiki attunement session, you are seated on a chair in a room and as you close your eyes, the Reiki master may move around you and touch your hands, head and shoulders. It also sometimes involves a Reiki master blowing air onto the crown of your head, forehead and heart area. Once you are attuned, you have Reiki for life and you can never lose it.

In both Reiki attunement sessions and normal Reiki treatments, the Reiki student and Reiki patient remain fully clothed. Even in the laying-on of hands for Reiki treatments, a typical Reiki practitioner will hold their palms about 2 to 3 inches, maybe further even, above the surface of the recipient’s body, and perform the treatment without any physical contact being necessary. Of course, touching is fine if you are performing a self-healing or healing a loved one. However, physical contact or the lack of it has no impact on the effectiveness of the Reiki treatment. In fact, level 2 Reiki distant healing is done where both practitioner and patient are not even physically located in the same place.

My personal experience
I was personally a little nervous during the attunement by my master because he was moving around me and did not tell me what he was going to do next. With my eyes closed, I would jump as he suddenly blew air across my forehead or my scalp (where I am slightly ticklish). Also, both during and after the attunement, I did not suddenly discern a strong “sense” of the energy flow nor was I very good at detecting weak energy “hot spots” in people we were instructed to practise on. It seems some people are more sensitive to energy than others.

There are also some side-effects to the attunement process, commonly lasting 21 days. This is called the cleansing period or detoxification process and varies from person to person. There are reported releases of negative emotions, opening of the third eye, or increase in intuitive abilities. Some people may even go through a mild bout of depression. I was exhausted after my level 2 attunement and had a series of strange dreams for about 2 consecutive nights before I felt like my usual self again. (Since then, I think my intuition has gotten stronger)

What is it like to use Reiki? Like any energy system, Reiki works best if you do not possess your own negative emotions which may block the flow of Reiki when you are sending it to someone else. Some people like to do Reiki while they drive, or watch television, or even while reading. I prefer to sit in quiet meditation prior to sending Reiki and then remained focused while sending Reiki. Mostly I do level 1 Reiki on myself for minor discomforts like gastric pains, sore muscles or mild headaches.

Often I send distant Reiki (level 2) to people I know who have injured themselves or are ill with ‘flu or recuperating from any recent accidents or surgeries. Reiki is ultimately healing and relaxing for the recipient and complements mainstream medicine. It is not meant to replace orthodox medical care and by its very nature, is slow to work. This is because Reiki heals gradually from inside to outside. For example, Reiki will not heal advanced stages of cancer but it may alleviate discomfort from chemotherapy.

When you are sending Reiki, you may feel a slight tingle in your hands (like pins and needles) or maybe warm or cold sensations. With level 2 which I use often, we use a proxy, often a small soft-toy, to represent the recipient we are sending the distant healing to. (This evokes images of voodoo dolls and black magic, but Reiki is anything but sinister in that sense.) First we draw a Reiki symbol over the toy to connect to the recipient’s higher self (you do this by drawing an imaginary symbol in the air with your finger or eyes, no pen or brush is used here).

After establishing this connection, we can then do a “byo-sen” or a scan, by running our hands up and around the toy, to detect where the energy is weakest in the recipient. If your patient has recently twisted their ankle for example, you may feel a stronger tingling sensation when you hold your palm above the toy’s ankle. Sometimes you feel a tingle in the toy’s heart area, which can indicate that the patient is suffering from some emotional issues. Depending on whether you are trying to perform mental or physical healing, you then draw another Reiki symbol over the toy and leave your hand over it for the energy to flow. You stop when your intuition tells you that the Reiki healing is done (or when you detect that the energy has stopped flowing).

One of my favourite ways of using Reiki is to draw one of the Reiki energy symbols over myself before I sleep, to protect against mosquitoes at night. I imagine there is a bubble of energy surrounding me, and a light source that shines into the crown of my head which illuminates and fills this bubble with its pure protective light. I then spend some time reinforcing this image in my mind before I fall asleep. Sometimes I sketch the symbol over my car steering wheel before driving, to make sure I arrive at my destination safely and without getting lost.

So is Reiki all hokey, or is it for real? Some people say they don’t feel anything after a Reiki treatment. Well, I couldn’t be sure after my attunement either. But since then, I have felt the energy flow whenever I practice, and sometimes I accurately detect backaches or headaches in people I scan (I even have a problem with back-flow where I occasionally take on their symptoms after sending Reiki to them). I have managed to cure my own mild headaches as well. If you Reiki your coffee before drinking it, you will find that it tastes like mud. You can also use Reiki with meditation. It is said that Reiki helps in your spiritual growth as well as with emotional healing if you’re going through some personal challenges. At the end of the day, it is really up to the individual to experience it and decide for themselves if they want to make Reiki a part of their life.

A Great Teacher

2010-03-05T08:29:00.008+08:00

If you follow blogs often, you will realize one major inconvenience is that you are never sure when they will be updated. Sometimes there is a period or a lull of months when not a single new post is entered. At other times, you see new entries every single week. It is frustrating to go in almost every other day just to check out if there is anything new to read or see. And that it what it must be like for you, dear reader, if you’ve been checking out this website and see that I haven’t posted anything since December last year.

Firstly, my one thousand apologies. There is no excuse, other than that life gets in the way. When there is time, there is no inspiration. When there is inspiration, there is no time. That is the paradox, isn’t it? Just like life, there never is a right time or perfect moment to do anything. But I shan’t try to worm my way out of this with profundity or wit. My undertaking to you, from now on, is an article, regularly, every other week (I’d say weekly but I’m afraid that may be over-reaching :)

In my time away, I actually got to meet HIM, the great Ajahn Brahm - monk extraordinaire, the Seinfeld of Buddhism, the Western Abbott of Bodhinyana Buddhist Monastery who ordained four nuns in Australia in October last year, and was consequently ex-communicated and had his monastery removed from his teacher’s lineage. (This great man stood his ground despite calls for him to retract the ordination by senior fellow Thai monks from his teacher’s monastery in Thailand, Wat Pah Pong. Accordingly, the lineage of nuns had died down in the years of war and should not be revived as it was not from the direct time of the Buddha) There is some technicality involved here which those more familiar with Buddhism will understand, but this link may give you more information:
http://www.buddhistfellowship.org/cms/index.php?/General-News/the-bhikkhuni-question.html
(If there is one thing I dig big time, it is men who stand up for women and their rights.)

Back to the man himself - if you have downloaded or listened to Ajahn Brahm’s talks before, you will realise that he has great wit and eloquence, and the ability to deliver jokes with perfectly timed punch-lines. Many of his anecdotes are self-deprecating and he punctuates his talks with down-to-earth metaphors and similes to explain abstract concepts. The thing about a wonderful teacher like Ajahn Brahm is that, unlike many spiritual teachers, his life is a living example of practising what he preaches. He does not talk about guilt and sins, but gently reminds us to forgive and love ourselves. His sessions address issues of dealing with life’s difficulties such as grief, stress, the ending of relationships, letting go and having peace of mind. He does not lecture about observing the Buddhist precepts, Triple Gems and noble truths. He encourages meditation, but leaves it up to you to cultivate the practice at your own pace.

Ajahn Brahm was in Malaysia in February and meeting him live was exhilarating and inspiring. The car he was in stopped at the entrance to the hall just as we (my girl-friend and I) were approaching it. And then the car door opened and there he was! In the flesh! He turned around and grinned at us, a captivating British grin. Automatically, the organising committee held their hands together, prayer-like, in greeting. I was dumb-struck, in awe, and tried not to gape after him like a fish. Then the spell broke. He did not see a tiny step on the entrance floor in his path and tripped slightly as he was crossing it. I shut my gaping mouth. He continued to walk, then paused in mid-stride, turned over his shoulder in my direction, and nodded at me. ME. And the feeling was so delicious. Did he just blast me with metta, the Buddhist loving-kindness that monks have an abundance of and seem to manufacture at will? I had not felt so awe-struck since attending Rain’s concert in Bukit Jalil stadium 3 years ago.

And the day just went uphill from there. I had been warned not to get all hyper and have my expectations up. But there is nothing Ajahn Brahm can do to disappoint. He is there to impart wisdom, inspire and give you peace. This is not a dance or theatre performance. And inspire he does. A monk with no worldly possessions other than an alms bowl and 3 sets of robes, he radiates a rare serenity and inner happiness that millionaires and famous celebrities do not have. Monks are not allowed to drive, own money, watch TV or enjoy entertainment such as movies and music, they eat once a day (before midday, and only food that laypersons donate) and yet they are happier than the rest of us.

I watched him as he spoke, and wiped away tears at certain portions of his talk, so moving were his words. At other times he cracked us up with his jokes, so unexpected were they. He would weave in an unexpected comic punch-line just as he was regaling an inspiring tale. A monk in a brown robe, on stage with a mike, sitting there from 9am to 4.30pm with only 3 breaks in between, and I went away feeling like a million bucks, armed with 2 books he authored, purchased with the last of my Chinese New Year red packet money.

So what gives? I am not a Buddhist. I keep my spirituality open, and pick up portions of different faiths that inspire me and feel right. I can’t tell samadhi from samatha, and only just recently learnt to distinguish anicca from anatta. When I try to meditate, all I am able discern is the itch on my eyelids that wasn’t previously there, and then my legs start to numb and I think of the laundry I haven’t done, how the floor needs mopping and the emails I haven’t read. But I know what Ajahn Brahm or any practicing Buddhist would say to that, “Just let it go. Watch. Be still.”

Therein lies the attraction of Buddhism (at least for me). Buddhists themselves claim there is no God (it is a telling fact that Richard Dawkin’s book, “The God Delusion”, does not make any reference to Buddhism at all), no super-being waiting to punish you in purgatory and hell. There is merely the cycle of re-birth and karma. You reap what you sow. Buddhists do not preach of sins and exhort you to convert. They merely co-exist peacefully with other religions, and the Buddhist way is more of a philosophy than it is a religion. No dogma of “my god is the only god, He is the only one”. Ajahn Brahm himself says Buddhism is only defined as a religion for tax purposes. You are allowed, encouraged even, to question the Buddha’s teachings, and discover for yourself its wisdom and truth through your own practice of meditation where you will arrive at insights from clearing your mind. Concepts of impermanence, non-attachment, non-self enable you to transcend the daily difficulties and obstacles of life.

Of course, Buddhist concepts being so abstract, are not easy to understand. Fortunately we are granted the privilege of having wise teachers like Ajahn Brahm, who can articulate these concepts in layman’s language and apply them to practical life in a way people can understand. His being a Westerner is an added bonus, since he understands the Westerner’s mind and the ways of developed societies where freedom of desire is sought after and constitutionalised. A short post like this would not do justice to Ajahn Brahm and the work he has done for us. Depending on what stage you are in your life, his talks may or may not impact you. If however, you have been through your own share of struggles, then some of his words hit home, and you are struck by the deep wisdom they carry.

I leave you with one of Ajahn Brahm’s stories, which I transcripted from one of his talks:-

“There once was a man who was being chased by a tiger in the jungle. The tiger had almost caught him. And he was desperate because tigers eat people and they can run much faster than any man can. But he spied in the jungle, an old well. And he managed just to jump into that well just before the tiger could catch him.

But as soon as he committed himself to jumping in, he realized, he’d made a bigggg mistake. Cause that well was dry, and on the bottom of that well, he saw a big, black, snake. And instinctively he reached out to the side of the well and grabbed on to a tree root which was pushing through the wall of the well. He grabbed on to that, and it stopped his fall. And when he came to his senses he looked down. The snake had been woken up and it lifted its head and opened its hood and was trying to strike him at his feet. But his feet were just too high. The snake couldn’t quite reach it. So he looked up to see what had happened to the tiger. The tiger hadn’t given up yet. The tiger was leaning over into the well with his paws, trying to paw him. But his hand was just too low. The tiger couldn’t quite reach him. So there he was, a snake underneath trying to bite him at his feet, a tiger above him, trying to claw him. Wonder what’s gonna happen next?

He noticed out of a hole in the side of the well, two mice came out. A black mouse, and a white mouse. And they started chewing at his root, making it thinner and thinner and thinner. So he wasn’t gonna last very long. So as this all was happening, because the tiger was trying to paw him, as it was pawing him its backside was rubbing against a tree, making it shake. On a branch of that tree, right above the well, there’s a bee’s nest. Bees were ok, but honey started to drip out of that bee’s nest, right down into the well. And he could manage to put his tongue out, mmm, taste the honey. Oh it was so delicious. And that’s the end of the story.

What a beautiful story because, does life has such neat endings? That’s what life is like, isn’t it? There we got environmental catastrophe above us, and credit crunch below us. We’re really in a mess. And so the black and white mice, that’s night and day. Chewing up our precarious hold on life, that’s the cancer and the other stuff which we got in our bodies. So credit crunch below us, environmental catastrophe (climate change) above us, and we got cancer at the same time eating up our life. So what do we do?

You know there’s always honey dripping down, mm it’s so delicious. If you know the meaning of that story, you know how to have peace of mind. To be able to enjoy the honey, which is always there to be tasted, even though you got a snake below you and a tiger above you, and you’re not gonna live very long. Understand that’s possible, you let go of the past, you let go of the future. The future is uncertain.

Traditionally that’s how the story ended, which is why I like it because life is always incomplete. But, being Ajahn Brahm I added my own ending to that story. Which is very plausible, this could have happened. Cause I know that tigers leaning over, sometimes you do lean over a little bit too far. Which the tiger did, and it fell into the well. Fortunately he missed the man, but fell on top of the snake, crushed the snake to death and broke its own neck.

So there you go, the man could actually climb out of the well at his leisure and go off. Sometimes that can happen. And sometimes things like that do happen. We think the worst is going to happen, terrible things are going to go wrong, and there’s a solution which we never anticipated comes along, and all our problems are fixed. Until we fall into another well or get chased by another tiger. But at least, there are many many moments when we could be enjoying the honey and because we’re worried, anxious, afraid, we never enjoy the honey which comes to us. Which is why we never have, peace of mind. We can’t find peace of mind anywhere else except halfway down a well between a tiger and a snake. That’s where you find peace of mind, cause that’s your life.”

Thank you, Ajahn Brahm.

Food: Why Obsess?

2009-12-31T18:53:00.006+08:00

I thought I’d end the year by blogging about an unhealthy obsession. We live in a world enamored with among other things, food. We eat today like there is no tomorrow. People ask, “would you rather go without food or sex?” As if our lives were only about these 2 things. And since this is a public blog, it is food I’ll be blogging about today :)

We Malaysians, are so proud of the diversity in our culture, where we have access to the greatest variety of food available. The shops are open 24/7, alfresco dining is the norm, and food is plentiful, flavourful and cheap. We watch multiple episodes of road-shows, all recommending new places to eat, we trawl the internet and facebook for even more recommendations from friends and other celebrities. We drive more than an hour to have dinner at a newly-established seaside restaurant, just to dig into a morsel of chilly-crab some colleague or other says is to die for.

What is with us? Is there no other meaning to life? No better thing to do with our free time? We have forgotten the most important function of eating, which is to sustain our lives. We spend more time stuffing our faces than we do lifting weights. After an overdose of cholesterol-laden, artery-clogging gastronomic delights, we belch happily and start planning for the next meal. We take photos of our meals and post them onto our blogs for our friends to ogle over and get hungry about. Is this so enjoyable? So much excitement over a meal, something you can have 3-5 times a day! Yes, a delicious meal is something to be appreciated, but every meal can be delicious if you decide you want it to be that way. Even the simplest, humblest, egg-drop soup can be mouth-watering if you decide to enjoy it, if you savor every spoonful of it until the last drop is gone.

And at buffets, we eat until our stomaches ache, but we don’t stop until we’re ready to puke (which some of us might even do before we head off to the buffet table and start all over again). Even at office lunches, we eat like there’s no tomorrow. It’s as though since the food is free, we may as well make the most of it. How much can you really save by eating yourself sick anyway? Food, is among the cheapest of your living expenses. It beats clothing, rent, utilities anytime. That’s why a friend would probably take you out for a meal on your birthday rather than buying you a lavish present. The same reason we end up buying candies and other foodstuff as souvenirs for the office after an overseas trip.

Understand, I am not merely referring to over-eating, but also food obsession. I think it is often abused as a form of entertainment, of pleasure when one cannot much afford anything else. It is used also sometimes, to kill boredom, to fill time, to indulge in when one cannot afford more expensive pleasures like travelling or perhaps a Swiss massage. But as a hobby, like a local columnist recently proclaimed, eating is so passé. No one even talks about cooking the way they talk about dining out. What happened to good old-fashioned home-cooking, done in our own homes? We rail and rave over a new place that cooks food tasting like “authentic home-cooking”. Why not cook it ourselves then? Surely that would take more time (assuming, you are using food as a time-filler) than the drive around hunting for that elusive place mentioned in a blog, trying to make sense of the map hastily sketched out by the blog writer?

But cooking is such trouble, you say. All the washing and cleaning up you have to do, or even the shopping for ingredients and chopping and slicing. And I’m not even a good cook, you say. Understand, however, that there is no such thing as a bad cook. There are only lazy people who don’t cook well the first time they try, and then decide they will never try again. Following most recipes, is not difficult. It’s easier than say, putting on your make-up or unclogging your sink pipes. It’s just that the knack of it doesn’t come quite readily to some, and it takes some practice. But so does everything else, doesn’t it? Did you learn how to grip your pencil and write in a day? Did you know how to walk the second you stood up? Did you know how to poop in the loo the day you were born? So why should you expect cooking to be as easy as breathing, anyway?

And here’s why I think cooking will help you curb your food obsession. When you take the time to cook, and you are involved in the whole process of preparation from raw ingredients to dinner table, you realize that the greatest tasting food is all at your finger-tips anyway. And it’s as near as your household kitchen. Then you realize food is always there for you, and the next meal is just 3-4 hours away. And as you cook, you realize that the greater pleasure is in creating a nutritional wonder for your family or loved ones, not in the pure pleasure you have of just putting someone else’s cooking into your digestive tract, someone who’s paid to do the job and probably doesn’t even care how much preservatives, salt or oil you ingest anyway.

You probably think I’m some nutcase traditionalist who thinks no one should ever dine out. No, nothing can be further from the truth. What I’m advocating is greater food awareness, in place of food obsession. Don’t structure your life around food, how much you’re getting of it, how good it is, which place provides value-for-money meals etc. Know that food is always abundant, never scarce, and you can eat anytime you want. Respect your body and health by exercising and treating it with the reverence you treat your car. Put food that is nutritious into your mouth, not just great-tasting. Eat until you’re no longer hungry, not until you’re full. Instead of ordering that fried calamari just to taste one and then leave the rest on the plate, opt for the medium sized grilled chicken instead, and finish at least most of it. Watch your portions, eat on time. Eat when you’re hungry, regardless of your appetite.

And if you’re having trouble with an abominably good appetite, try some good old-fashioned exercise. That always curbs your appetite. You’ll find yourself hankering better quality food that actually fuels your workouts, and you’ll start to stay away from unhealthy foods that don’t digest well and make you feel sick when you’re exercising. (try running on the treadmill 2 hours after having a slice of lemon cheesecake or roti canai and you’ll know exactly what I mean) Even if your appetite doesn’t get under control, heck exercise gives you the leeway to ingest the same amount without turning all those calories into love handles and wobbly thighs.

Most important of all, don’t deprive yourself. If you have to have Peking duck, by all means go for it. Tom yam goong? Be my guest. (Don’t even try to cook those at home, they really are not worth the effort.) But make these gourmet meals a special occasion, a weekend treat, a birthday dinner, or as part of a monthly gathering with old friends. And that’s when you start to view eating with the respect it deserves, as fuel for our bodies, as a basis for a social occasion, but never as a main event in itself. If you love food so much, start cooking bucket-loads of the healthier versions of curries, pot roasts and distribute them to your friends and neighbours. Our relationship with food doesn’t have to be limited to just eating it. And even if we are eating out, remember we can make choices on the basis of health, not taste.

And when we do this, we find that dieting does not even need to be a word in our vocabulary. Being overweight is merely a symptom of food abuse and a sedentary lifestyle. Get your relationship with food right, and you need never worry about having to sign up as a contestant of “The Biggest Loser”. People who struggle with weight issues always think they have to go on a diet, never eat their favourite food again and all will be well. What they fail to see is that losing weight is a matter of changing your mindset about food, not just eating less or more of certain types of food. It’s not about discipline but about choices. Choices made every single day that over time, change the way you look and feel. And believe me, eating unhealthily is a habit that can be unlearnt. We really are what we eat. Think about that the next time you put something into your mouth.

Have a Happy and Healthy 2010!

Presenting presents

2009-12-10T22:03:00.013+08:00

The holidays are here upon us again. Christmas, the season of giving. I totally buy into the commercialism of Christmas. The purists, as they do every year, proclaim that the birth of Christ, the savior, the son of God, had nothing to do with Christmas trees, holly, mistletoe, Santa or reindeers. All that candy cane, gift-giving, turkey dinners, mince pies, eggnogs and fruit cake distract from the true meaning of Christmas, which is about God and how much he loved us that he gave his only begotten son, to die on the cross for our sins.

Well I’m sorry for the purists, but it’s these embellishments to the festivities that make it so fun and memorable for all of us. Sure, we don’t go to your churches, some of us have never attended a nativity play, we can’t tell the Old Testament from the New, but we enjoy Christmas anyway. We love those songs of yours (those aren’t real Christmas songs, that piped music you hear in shopping malls, you growl. The real Christmas songs are those hymns sung in churches.) Well, we can’t argue with that, but you gotta admit that “Winter Wonderland”, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”, and “The Christmas Song” never get boring no matter how many times you hear them. So they don’t praise god. So they only mention chestnuts roasting on open fires, the ringing of sleigh bells and red-nosed reindeers. These are just details to us. Some of us here in Asia have never even eaten ginger-bread (how on earth do you eat a gingerbread house, by the way. Are they for consumption or are they just displayed?), or seen real snow. We don’t know what a one-horse open sleigh is. Until about 4 years ago, I didn’t know what stollen was. But hey, I still dig Christmas big time.

For one thing, it’s the year end. The time of school holidays, shopping malls bedecked with shiny bells and baubles hanging from the ceiling, giant Christmas trees that span multiple storeys tall. The hypermarkets import all the neat stuff from overseas to add to the festive mood here. This is the time we have proper rum fruit-cake, flea markets sell packages of home-made ginger bread, Starbucks makes its famous Christmas blend, and O’Brien’s puts their cranberry turkey sandwich on the menu. Then there’re all those little Santa ornaments, elf candles, teddies dressed in Santa hats, little cloth snowmen for your tree. And if you’re lucky enough to have a Christian neighbor living nearby, you might even catch a group of carolers stopping by 2 nights before Christmas eve for songs and snacks. And the weather is so cool. It might not snow here in Malaysia, but this is the time of the monsoon season, when the skies let loose and the rain pounds our roofs the whole night, sometimes way past dawn and into the late morning.

But I know the one thing we all struggle with every Christmas, Christian or not. It’s the presents. You’re not going to be spared from it. If you work in an office, you can bet there will be some sort of gift-exchange announced, where choosing not to participate shows you up to be either miserly, anti-social or just a wet blanket. If you have a group of friends meeting around this time, perhaps going to a get-together somewhere, chances are you would have to bring something nice for your host, or your friends will want to have (again!) a gift-exchange. Even your gym or any local club in which you are a member may have charity events lined up and encourage “secret Santa” participation by the club-members. Well, I totally understand that trepidation that comes from exchanging gifts. Sometimes you are asked to draw lots where you pick the name of the recipient (perhaps Joe or David from the IT department – someone you didn’t even know existed) or you are just told to purchase a generic gift, wrap it and dump it somewhere so the recipients can randomly pick it out of a lucky-draw type bin on the day itself. Or perhaps you want to get something for a dear friend, and you haven’t the faintest idea how to start, short of coming right out and asking them what it is they need.

Well, never fear. The Internet is full of gift suggestions for colleagues, friends and family, male and female of all ages. Not only that, there are videos with demonstrations of gift-wrapping, assembling gift baskets, wrapping odd-shaped gifts, and tying bows and ribbons on your gifts. It’s difficult to remain uninspired when you see all the suggestions they have for you. And so I thought I’d help you by listing out some of the good ideas I’ve gleaned from my research this past week. Here I’m going to list down gift suggestions for colleagues (people whom you talk to now and then but may not know well personally) and for friends. As for family, shame on you if you don’t know what to get them! Didn’t you already figure it out with all the practice you had buying presents on birthdays and anniversaries? So here goes:

Gifts for colleagues and friends:-

A lot of us take the easy way out and get a box of candies, pre-wrapped by the departmental stores, or a photo-frame, or even mugs. While this is not exactly the wrong way to go about it, I would recommend staying away from this route unless you’re really desperate and out of ideas. I can think of many reasons why:

Candies - For one thing, the recipient may not have a sweet tooth, you don’t know if they’re chocoholic or not, and let’s face it, candies scream “short-cut, too lazy to think of anything else” about you.

Photo-frame – this one, I never can understand why people think it’s such a good idea. If the recipient is camera-shy, they may not even have that many photos taken of themselves to begin with. And nowadays, all our photos are digitally saved into our thumb-drive as jpeg files, who even bothers to print them out and frame them anyway? It’s more probable they will save it into their PC desktop as wallpaper.

Mugs – this is obvious. Most of us have at least a dozen mugs sitting in the drawers at home, gathering dust while we use and re-wash the only one or two on the counter or by the sink that we and/or our partners drink from. We get mugs free with almost anything nowadays, when we purchase toothpaste, coffee, milk powder, cereal, biscuits, even from our company on its 10th or 20th anniversary, from annual dinner door-gifts, the list is endless. And we keep these mugs for those occasional guests we may have who drop by unannounced for a social visit and a chat. Although, come to think of it, how probable is it that a dozen of them will turn up at your door-step, at the same time, all needing coffee in coffee-mugs while they pour their heart and soul out to you? I guess you can see where I’m going with this.

Alright, enough with the don’ts already, you say. What should I buy then? Well, my suggestions:

1. Get an empty gift basket (from those thrift gift stores), fill it up with cute stationery like paper-weights, white-board magnets, cute paper clips, a stress ball, maybe even a Rubik cube (we all need boredom busters!), perhaps a themed Christmas mouse pad. Wrap your whole basket with cellophane (you can learn how to do this from www.ehow.com by googling it) and wallah! Thrifty, easy, thoughtful, creative. I’ve included some links here to help you with gift basket assembly and wrapping:

http://tipnut.com/homemade-gift-baskets/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YZE9NvT5hs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X1NVZBxjyE&feature=related

2. Along the line of gift baskets (and if you know the recipient is female), you can get some relatively inexpensive lotions, hand-washes, small soaps, chic combs and hair clips from stores like Watson and Guardian. Again arrange them in your basket, stick them down onto the base, wrap with cellophane, and you’re done.

3. For someone you know who owns a pet, go to a pet store and rustle up some pet snacks or biscuits, rubber toys or balls, pet brushes to comb down stray furs, even pet soaps. Again, stick them in a gift basket and wrap.

4. What about an ergonomic cushion to support tired wrists? I’ve seen really cute ones, and they’re not very expensive. To wrap, tie it up in a pillow-case (a new one of course) or any decorative fabric, and secure a bow at the top.

5. An optical mouse? Although this would be a bit heavier on your budget, and you would only want to invest on colleagues with whom you have a closer working relationship. Ask the store for a box to put the mouse in, for easy wrapping.

6. For a coffee addict, get a packet of Starbucks latest blend, stick it in a coffee mug (notice, the mug here is an accompaniment, not the main focus of the present) and put it in a Christmas bag. For details on how to create Christmas bags, see here

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-make-a-gift-bag

http://www.craftideas.info/html/gift_bags.html

http://www.scrapjazz.com/topics/Miscellaneous/Gifts_and_Craft_Projects/585.php

(Of course, you can always purchase pre-made bags from gift stores if making one is too bothersome)

7. Buy a small teddy or other soft toy from Watsons, and around its neck hang a trinket you can easily buy from flea markets, Bonita or any costume jewellery store (certain retail shops like British India, WH or Padini also have a section of their own accessories). Suggestions for trinkets: Bracelets, necklaces, baubly earrings. If you buy earrings, you will probably have to tape them onto teddy’s tummy since you can’t hang it around his neck. Notice again, that this is a 2-in-1, where the trinket is your main present. Hence, don’t spend too much on teddy.

8. Aromatherapy will never go wrong. Get a set of bath salts, gel, lotion. Everyone needs to bathe and everyone likes to smell good. (again, this is more female-centric) For a colleague who has just moved into a new place, you could present them with a burner with accompanying essential oils. Something relaxing and soothing like sandalwood or lavender would be nice while lazing on the couch after work.

9. For the workout enthusiast, a set comprising of a face towel (to mop off sweaty faces), a small bath kit for quick showers in the gym, socks (they can never have enough, notice that there are differences between male and female ones), perhaps a water tumbler for quick sips between workouts and a few energy bars thrown in for good measure. You could probably put them in a gift box or a medium sized gift bag. Else, you can separately get them a gym bag and present it in a gift bag. Final alternative, vouchers to stores like Nike, Adidas, Reebok or other popular brands.

10. As mentioned above, you can always go with gift vouchers if you know the recipient’s favourite shopping haunts, maybe even get a book voucher for the bookworm.

11. If you know their taste in music, get the latest CD by their favourite artiste. (although, this entails certain research on your part to find out who the artiste is, and to make sure they don’t already have a copy of the album themselves)

12. For a personal assistant (female), a nice tube of expensive lotion to moisturize hands that dry out in the air-conditioned environment as they slave over their computers. Most of these come in boxes and are easily wrapped.

13. A friend ingeniously got a set of red and yellow bath towels for the office gift exchange. Totally generic, inexpensive and useful to just about anyone. For a more Christmas feel, you can get Santa or reindeer themed towels, a maybe a set of red and green towels instead.

14. Car accessories would work too. Nearly everyone drives. Get a nice Christmas cushion for their car, or those soft fabric covers for their boxed tissue that sits on the back dashboard, maybe even a sun-shade, a neck-support cushion for those who commute for long hours, some car freshener (the more expensive ones), or assemble some potpourri for them to hang below their rear-view mirror.

15. I got this gem from a post I read. It said that there are always colleagues in every office, you know, the slightly eccentric type who keep to themselves, are generally quiet and don’t fit in with any of the cliques you see. Well, you can always gift them a unique plant like a Venus fly-trap or a nice cactus to suit their prickly personalities (grin!)

Others:
For one or two special friends, consider getting them their favourite gloss, lipstick or eye-liner. Mac or Bobbi Brown is good. Alternatively, if you are a baking enthusiast, make some star-shaped cinnamon cookies or plain butter cookies, fill up an empty jam jar to the brim, secure with ribbon and give out. If you are contributing a secret Santa present (e.g. to orphanages, shelter homes), try to find out the recipient’s gender and age. For teens and tweens, you could get a basic make-up kit (more gloss and lighter shades for tweens), her birthstone jewelry, maybe have her name spelt out in a bracelet or chain, for smaller children some colouring books or back-to-school stationery is good, perhaps also soft toys, Barbie dolls and school bags.

Sometimes you find the perfect gift, exactly within your budget, and you have no idea how to wrap it. Well don’t let that deter you. Follow these guidelines to overcome odd-shaped gifts.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2283876_wrap-oddshaped-gift.html

There, what did I tell you? Gift-giving is a cinch. And in case you still have no idea what to get your family, try this link:

http://gift-ideas.christmasgifts.net/Christmas-Gift-Ideas.php

Merry Christmas and Happy shopping and Happy Holidays everyone!

Two Paths, One Destination

2009-11-15T12:33:00.013+08:00

I recently picked up Martina Devlin’s “The Hollow Heart” from my workplace bookshelf - our library being the culmination of my ex-boss’s brilliant idea, combined with the hard work of a group of industrious young ladies who formed a committee with an aim towards fostering the love of reading amongst their colleagues. Ms Devlin’s book was definitely not something I would typically read, much less buy for myself. But a colleague was keen on “trying out” the books available for rent, and she wanted company while she did it, as girls tend to do. And so at her cajoling, I selected one of the least uninteresting books I saw, seeing as how other more relatively interesting titles had not been returned to the shelves.

Now the reason for my hesitance in picking up this book: As the blurb on the back of the book says, this story was of a woman‘s journey from being diagnosed as infertile, through the traumatic process of IVF and the subsequent failures of both her attempts at pregnancy and her marriage. You knew at a glance this book would not make for light reading. Furthermore, the writer represented that one type of woman I could never comprehend or even pretend to be - the woman who yearned for motherhood. As friends who know me intimately and readers who may have read any of my previous postings would be aware, I decry societal expectations of women to be mothers foremost, to place their role of reproduction and nurturing above everything else, to the point even of sacrificing their freedom, their dreams, their careers, their youth and in some cases, their beauty. But in this aspect the writer is different. Her sole dream was motherhood. She makes this very clear early on in her book, and that is what makes her story so sad.

Her story is written in a down-to-earth, matter of fact tone, from her early years of journalism in London (your typical career girl, requisite number of boyfriends, future looking bright ahead), her marriage to a decent, adorable man who was “husband material” (the one who impressed her by stating early on in their relationship that he wanted children, just as she did), their relocation to Ireland, the search for a suitable home, and the one year attempt at getting pregnant. She renovates the home, stretching their limited finances, to build a lavatory for children on the ground floor because as she says “everyone knows, when children say they want to go to the bathroom, they mean right now, this very second. Otherwise they’ll have an accident”. And so she diligently puts her career on hold, buys a thermometer to track ovulation, does regular cervical mucus checks. She begins to view intercourse as a sperm-wasting endeavour, if performed outside the ovulatory window, and her spouse complains that she is treating him like a sperm bank.

She finally consults a doctor, who performs a laparoscopy on her and announces that she has adhesions around her fallopian tube, which are blocking the eggs. This resulted from a previously undiagnosed and untreated infection from a decade earlier. The solution? In-vitro fertilization (IVF) which is a process of inhaling hormones through a sniffer for 6 weeks, followed by injections (self-administered) of egg-producing hormones, harvesting of the mature eggs under general anaesthesia, fertilization in the laboratory in a petri dish and ultimately re-inserting the fertilized embryos via a catheter into the uterus through the cervix. All the while she has to have copious amounts of blood drawn out of her to store the eggs. For harvesting, her legs are up in the air in stirrups, for re-inserting of embryos, she lies down frog-style. In both procedures she is naked from the waist down, legs spread wide open.

IVF is expensive, exhausting, it robs a woman of her dignity. She is awash with emotions from the hormones flooding her system. Any female who has suffered from pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS), post-partum depression or gone through menopause must surely empathise with her. You go through an emotional roller-coaster, breaking into tears at the drop of a hat, lose your concentration, feel depressed without reason, are exceptionally clumsy, irritable and forgetful, and knowing that it’s because of your hormones hardly makes the emotions more controllable or any easier to weather. And yet the writer subjects herself willingly to this treatment not once, but thrice. And in each attempt she is devastated as the arrival of her dreaded period announces that she has failed to conceive, yet again.

Before this book, I never knew the details of IVF. What I was more interested in was the journey of the writer, and how her marriage could break down when the couple started out with a joint mission, parenthood being as much her dream as it was her husband’s. The writer never provides the specifics of their quarrels, alluding that their differences grew because she was obsessed with conception, the all-consuming “baby hunger” and neglected to nurture their relationship. Perhaps also, their marriage was relatively new before it was subject to such a challenging trial. It is difficult living with a woman who seems to be permanently having PMS, when nothing seems to satisfy her and she frequently flies out of control at any perceived wrongdoing. She probably isn’t a force you can reason with, much less make sense of.

In the end after a final bitter row, her husband demands a divorce and she moves out of their home to a rented flat. Not long later she is involved in a car accident that fractures her sternum and causes a degeneration of her right eye. Surviving a near-fatal accident, she is faced with steep hospital bills and no permanent job. Newly separated, she cannot even claim against her spouse’s medical insurance. Numbed, she lies in bed searching her past for clues, sins to justify this punishment, trying to make sense of it all. There is a cavern in her heart that will never be filled, hence the title of the book. In the days following she takes sleeping pills, and rests in bed in a sluggish blur. She considers finishing all her pills in one go, for the oblivion of nothingness. She writes that it wasn’t that she wanted to commit suicide, because that would be pro-active. Rather, she didn’t want the trouble of breathing any longer. Of thinking and feeling and hurting. It is her love for her family and not wanting to deliberately cause them pain, that stays her hand. I so understand this. It could have been me a year ago, vocalizing these exact same words.

She finally picks herself up, gets a permanent job and has her first book published. She comes to terms with the fact that she’ll never be a mother and decides not to go for further IVF. She starts to count her blessings and is struck by their quantity. She realizes that life experiences changes a person, pain makes you more empathic, unhappiness teaches you to be compassionate and makes you a kinder person. Only in experiencing pain do you value joy. Her one regret is that her relationship with her ex-husband deteriorated to the extent that they are no longer on speaking terms today.

So is she still enamoured with babies? Yes, she is. She describes their starfish hands, Buddha eyes and accordion chins, an infant’s caramel curls and ten teeny toes that have never been crammed into shoes, its siren gaze and milky scent of powdered warmth. Where I see little bundles of burden, with accompanying soiled nappies to be changed or washed, persistent crying and burping up of soured milk, she sees little demi-gods made for loving. She would gladly trade her career for a child of her own “in a heartbeat” where I would resent the curtailing on my freedom from having a child needing me, clinging to me for attention and nurturing every second of every day. I would go insane with the pressure of always having to set a good example, by deeds and by words, to be a model of a good human being. To restrain myself from lashing out and saying hurtful or dismissive things when they need me at a time when it is inconvenient, or when I am hard-pressed for time or energy to see to their emotional needs.

But what strikes me most about the book is this, the writer describes a different journey from mine, but we ultimately reached the same place. Dreams, disillusionment, divorce, rock-bottom crisis, and finally climbing up again by counting our blessings. Like she says, “no lesson worth learning in life comes easy.” Only in weathering and surviving adversities, do you discover your own strength. And that gives you a courage and self-confidence that no one can take away from you. All failures are humiliating, they rob you of your self-esteem, but the important thing is to know you tried and you gave it your very best. It is a long road to acceptance and peace, but you can get there eventually. And you’ll be a better person for it.

Why Am I Here?

2009-10-12T15:16:00.006+08:00

I have struggled to make sense of existence for so long. What is the purpose of life? Why were we created? Was it just random or is there some design behind our creation? The reason being, I think the human life-cycle is so futile, so meaningless. To think that we were put here to procreate, perpetuate our species, it seems so insipid, so trite, so below our greatest potential.

For men, this means finding a woman with a healthy womb to carry your seed to term, while you provide for the family shelter and food, and keep them safe from physical harm. For women, it’s a matter of sizing up the right mate from the array of suitors she has, then carrying their seed to term, meanwhile keeping house and hearth warm and clean, then nurturing their offspring until they, too, are free to repeat the cycle. I am over-simplifying this, I know. But if you look closely you will agree nothing has changed from the pre-historic times. The man no longer is the sole provider of food, thanks to equal rights and the feminist movement. Women now have careers and can bring home the bacon, so to speak, although they still hold the primary responsibility of nurturing the young.

Those processes we call falling in love, courtship, romance, dating, passion are all the means to this end. Then we have relationships, marital or otherwise, how to manage them, how to keep the passion alive, which is altogether a whole new ball-game quite unlike the initial courtship. This is the Second Act of life. And running parallel to this are the required skills necessary for parenting, teaching our young the right values, while fulfilling our responsibilities of providing for them, paying the bills and juggling our waking hours to achieve the greatest output within the limited resources of time. And we are supposed to find joy and meaning within this framework. In fact, society does not take kindly to those who choose to break free from the confines of this flowchart of life.

Sure, the guys have it a little easier. Go pursue the girls, find a nice one to settle down with, donate a few million sperms and basically you can still continue pursuing your boyish passions like sport, photography, race-cars, travel, remote-controlled airplanes. The woman will be glad you’re doing this because at least you’re not cheating on her. You can hang out with the boys all in the name of networking. The women, we are supposed to be content with making home-cooked meals, trying out new recipes all the time and exchanging them with our co-workers and neighbours, feeding the kids, catching up with the housework, helping the kids with their homework and to pass their exams. We are also expected to be breathtakingly beautiful, possess the body of a super-model, smell like Dior’s latest fragrance, and sweetly inquire whether our husband has eaten the moment he is home from all his “activities” outside the home. And all this on top of holding a day job so that we can make ends meet.

Who has the greater amount of freedom, may I ask? Who gives up their time, their youth, their opportunity for self-growth for the family? And I can assure you nothing ages a woman like pregnancy and parenthood. The man, he looks essentially the same well into his 40s. But after a pregnancy, a woman of 25 can look 40 if she’s not careful and take extra care to preserve herself. And guess who’s the first to stray on the grounds that the mate is no longer attractive? Not the woman, I assure you. She’s too busy breast-feeding (or extracting that precious human milk into bottles to store in the office refridgerator if she’s already back at her desk job) and washing the diapers.

And my point from the preceding paragraphs is this: That it is easier for the man to follow the flowchart of life than it is for a woman. A woman sacrifices more, has more roles to play in society, and still generally outlives her male partner. What is there in all this for us? A smile from a newborn babe, the pleasure of having that bundle of joy suckle our breasts? The exhilaration of watching our first child take his first baby steps? Somehow, something went wrong in my genetic make-up and I’m not hard-wired that way. Children are fine for me, as long as they belong to someone else. You can cuddle them, buy them cute toys, coo over them, then put them down and go back to your own home for peace and quiet at day’s end.

So where is there happiness to be found when so much of society is following this prescribed path? Friends my age are puzzling over their children’s homework, trying out new recipes and uploading them on Facebook for the world to see, posting baby pictures and videos for all to ogle at and praise. And I, who don’t choose this path, wonder where I fit in all this and if I made a horrible mistake somewhere along the line. Perhaps if I’d questioned less and gone the tried and tested way, not obsessed so much about freedom and individuality and how much maternal duties would confine me, I’d share the same happiness of gurgling babies and the joy of having them call me “ma-ma”.

It is not that I don’t crave happiness, I just don’t know how to get there and what it means for me. All other means of happiness like travel, shopping for clothes, even eating are just temporary, and they take a toll on your resources. You’re limited by your financial means and you can only eat so much before your figure goes, your waistline bulges and your health deteriorates. And that is why I keep coming back to the same question over and over again. What is the sole purpose of life? To be happy? What is happiness? How do we seek that?

From early on, I always dreamed I should have a purpose in this life and if I lived by this purpose, I would be happy. I would like to think I was created for a special reason, that I had my own place in the universe. That I could make this world a better place, just by being in it. That I matter, I stand for something, that it has made some difference that I even lived at all. All spiritual texts tend to support this principle of interconnectedness, that every action, every spoken word reverberates into eternity and sets in motion a chain of events that affect the people around you and consequently the world at large. And I am trying to get there by living every day the best I can. By aspiring to higher standards of integrity and moral codes, by setting an example for myself and others so that I can grow better every day. Some spiritual books say the purpose of existence is to evolve, to grow. In that, I think I am moving along the right direction.

But what brings happiness? Isn’t the ultimate goal of every human to be happy and to avoid pain and suffering? The answer, it would seem, lies within ourselves and our minds. Buddhist teachings tell us to meditate, rest our minds and contemplate. It is a path of self-discovery and soul-searching, requiring a measure of solitude and instrospection. Happiness, in this sense, means freedom from the temporary ups and downs of our emotions. It is a sense of inner peace, of contentment. We are not talking about the euphoria of winning the lottery, or the exhilaration involved in buying your dream home. We are talking about a steady state here of calm, serenity, a center where you are always sheltered, always safe, always home. And that, is the place I have always longed to be - my port, my harbor, my docking bay.

And I think we have to reach a place within ourselves where we feel safe, before we are able to reach out with compassion to others. I have had moments of this great calmness and peace, where I seem to be able to transcend the daily trivialities of life’s challenges. In these moments I am more aware of the motivations of others, and struck by the similarities of all human beings. We are basically not out to get each other, we are just here to be happy and to avoid suffering. We take different paths because we have different “stories” in our mind with different versions of happiness, but we all just want to get there, to that same desired place in our hearts where we are free from pain and suffering, where we find our “happy ending”.

When you understand that this is the core motivator that drives all human beings, your animosity and hostility towards others lessens, your sense of self diminishes, and you experience interconnectedness, one-ness and greater compassion. And that, I think, is the beginning of bliss, of happiness and the sense that you are not alone, but part of something greater than yourself. Eventually, the answer will reveal itself. I know I will just have to wait and be patient.

The Blushing Bun

2009-09-06T02:14:00.017+08:00

Dinner gown, check. Heels to go with dinner gown, check. (the sales person recommended gold heels for red gowns – who would’ve thought? I was going for red with red, the bane of the fashion-challenged) Evening bag, check. Wrap that matches color of evening gown, check. Earrings, necklace to match the hemline of dinner gown, check (even surfed Youtube to watch videos of how necklaces are supposed to be worn with different necklines – now I know what sweetheart necklines and Princess necklaces are). Optimum weight control to ensure right fit into dinner gown, errr, still trying my best. Facial treatment, done. Hair, colored and rebonded. Do I look my best? Well, if I don’t, it’s definitely not from lack of trying.

My sister is getting married. It is THE event of the year, actually the event of a lifetime. I have but one sibling. My instructions were not to wear black, and to look glamorous. Yet the attire for church was to be glam without being too revealing (that was a tough assignment). Pretty challenging, when I only look passable in something black that hides all those bulges every girl is so insecure about, and know next to nothing about dressing up for formal events. But I did my best, and I fervently hope that I do not disgrace the bride.

This was a preparation that has taken at least two full months. Nearly all Saturdays spent at the gym were sacrificed in search of the right dress and the matching accessories. At the same time, the workouts were not to be neglected (I diligently loaded up on the weights and went through the push-ups, chest presses, squats and dips as often as I could during weekdays), lest the gowns lost their fit merely weeks from day of purchase. The wedding is taking place out of state, therefore all the necessary articles of beauty are to be planned in detail as there is no rushing out at the last minute to get that shawl you forgot to grab to cover your shoulders when the air gets cold at night.

I researched and planned. Co-workers were interviewed on the best locations in town to be visited in my quest for formal evening wear, and advice was sought on the recommended beauty spas to get a good facial treatment done (the last one I did was 8 years ago). Practising Christians were pursued, hunted down and milked for their knowledge regarding the right attire to wear in a Catholic church reception. Coincidentally, I read this quote 2 days ago: “Over-prepare, and go with the flow”. Oh yeah, uh-huh. That's what I'm doing, alright. Not having gone through a wedding ceremony of my own, I have no idea if I've missed out anything.

I can’t believe my only sibling is now a wife. Now I must remember not to call her “dear” anymore, we can't have her confused when her husband calls her the same way. For so long she was my “favorite girl”, and “honey-bun” and “muffin”, “cream-puff” and “funny bunny”. She was “sheeshtoe” too, a distortion of “sister”, just another term in my unlimited cache of adoring nicknames. The names got shortened to just “bun” or “dear” in the end. Now, I suppose I’ll only have access to “bun”. Nine years apart, we never had our share of sibling rivalry. I just couldn’t love her enough.

She ended 9 years of my being an only child, playing imaginary games and reading Enid Blyton books by myself. We had no fights over who would have the last piece of chicken for dinner, no disagreements over which channels on TV to watch. No tantrums over borrowing each other’s clothes without permission. We are hardly the same dress-size. She is tall and lanky, while I am rosy and uh, fleshier? We didn’t even have a crush on the same guy in “Stairway to Heaven”. I grew up again with her when she was growing up. We watched “My Little Pony”, “Jem and the Holograms”, “Ewoks”, “Gummi Bears”, “Sesame Street” and “The Electric Company”. She had no Kalkitos, prams, rag dolls or cradles, but she had her Thundercat sword and a huge teddy bear. She didn’t watch “Little House on the Prairie” but she saw “Anne of Green Gables”.

I used to sing her this little ditty that goes like this (sung to the tune of “How much is that doggy in the window”, a popular kid’s tune):

How much is that Sheeshtoe in the window
(cue for her to wave and sing “Hello”)
The one with the funny cute smile
How much is that Sheeshtoe in the window
I’ll play with that Sheeshtoe a while.

Amazing what you come up with in playtime.

I remember days of sleeping late in the weekends, when she would come and wake me upon Mom’s orders, wait until I was done brushing my teeth and hold my hand as we walked down the stairs together for breakfast. She giggled and guffawed when I first burnt myself lighting the kitchen gas stove with the naked (and so short!) matches to fry her an omelet for breakfast. We baked cakes and cookies, creaming the butter manually when the mixer was out-of-order. Such wonderful days, and over so quickly. She’d be so pleased each time I was back during semester breaks, and upset when I had to go back to college at the end of the breaks. We wrote long letters to each other, some of them taking me hours to write in the days before mobile phones, sms-es or emails.

But that phase is now over. She is grown, secured her own scholarship, graduated and working in a multi-national company where she met the guy of her dreams. And they are so good together. They have that same pause in their speech when they search for the right word to use, they speak impeccable English, they are both geeks. And they are both intelligent. Her husband is positive and relaxed where my sister is panicky and slightly neurotic, and I think they make a good pair. There is no such thing as a match made in heaven. Every couple has their own differences to work through. But I think what matters is how both partners fit in with each other. Not a twin-pairing like 2 identical-looking magpies, but more like how a lock fits a key, or a piece of jigsaw puzzle fits its neighboring piece. Or to be more romantic, like a pendant and its chain.

Relationships are challenging at best, and you need to work so hard at them that sometimes you wonder if they’re worth the effort. There is great skill involved in setting aside your independence in exchange for inter-dependence, balancing togetherness with individuality. There are values to be agreed upon, codes of behavior and expectations to be fulfilled. So much emotional intelligence is required to sustain a love relationship that it is exhausting when either party doesn’t do their fair share. Love alone does not take you through misunderstandings, bruised egos and interfering in-laws. Communication, compromise and commitment does. And I’m sure they both have plenty of that.

As for us over on the bride’s family, we are just going to enjoy the festivities and have a good time. A sort of Christmas in September, if you will. A pity they don’t have roast turkey and Christmas fruit cake (but then, we’re only 3 months away from that). But she is marrying into a family of Christians after all. Perhaps we non-Christians can learn a few things from them.

For now, I just want to say Congratulations Bun and may you both have many blissful years ahead! I hope this poem says it better than I can:

Love Is Never Easy
by Nicholas Gordon

Love is never easy, but
It turns life into song.
There is no bit of circumstance
That love cannot transform.

There is no weary moment
Of anger or despair
That love cannot convert to grace
And render whole and fair.

How passionate the paradise
That comes from knowing well
That someone in your happiness
Finds pleasure for himself.

How sweet the gift of giving to
Someone who gives to you,
A selflessness that gives to self
More self than self is due.

With all the searing madness of
The world from day to day,
And all the dreary sadness that
No joy can take away.

There is one truth more beautiful
Than anyone can bear:
That two can trust that when they turn
They'll find the other there.

(sniff!) I think I'm going to cry at this wedding.

Starting from Rock Bottom - surviving a crisis

2009-08-07T16:57:00.023+08:00

This blog is a year old. Yes, it really is. How time flies. The writers of this blog were beset with an overwhelming fascination for a slew of internet games recently and regretfully, neglected the nourishment of the mind and spirit (har har). For the most part, we were uninspired with no profound “a-ha” moments or nuggets of wisdom to share or post about. So this blog’s anniversary came and went, uneventfully. Gone, faded over the horizon, obscured by the mundane activities of daily life.

I look back at my post a year ago and marvel at the past year’s journey. At this time last year I was at the lowest point of a personal crisis. I pondered my purpose of living. What was the point of a job, making money, just to eat, sleep and grow old? Everything had lost its meaning. There was nothing left to look forward to, now that I had no one to share my life with. Worse, nobody understood what I was going through. Conscious that I was headed for a deep depression, I focused on just getting through the day, an hour, a minute, a second at a time.

I headed to the gym whenever the inactivity threatened to overwhelm and suffocate me. Everything I ate tasted like cardboard at first bite and when I swallowed, it was like a wad of cotton wool going down my throat. I ate anyway. I wondered if I was being punished. Was this retribution of some kind? I desperately re-examined my past in a bid to understand where I had gone wrong. Crying brought no relief. Unlike pain-killers you can take for physical pain, emotional pain was a dull gnawing at my heart, a deep emptiness that nothing can appease and for which no off-the-counter medication exists. Every breath I took burned my lungs.

At one time I even surfed suicide websites. It was my attempt to understand the experiences of people who had been at the lowest ebb of their lives. Maybe they would know what I was going through. The first site begged me, if I was contemplating ending my own life, to stop first, for just the few minutes it would take to read the short passage appended on the main page. It said that if I was reading that, then there was hope, because I still wanted to be saved, to turn around, so to speak. I was impressed. It said, “People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.” Well, that made plenty of sense. Not that I was going to do anything, of course. But you get the idea of how I felt at the time.

I thought of the people who would be deeply hurt if I were to die. They would blame themselves, and have to pick up the pieces. I thought of the pain of child-birth and what my mother had to go through to bring me into this world. I felt that my life was a gift to me, and me alone. And ending it or giving up on myself would be the ultimate act of ingratitude. A book I read had this to say, “Know, although it hurts unbearably and you can’t even imagine getting through this time in your life – you hurt so bad that you can’t even imagine what relief would feel like – that pain can be fuel, and when you’re using it as fuel, you won’t experience it as pain.” (Source: Laura Day, Welcome to Your Crisis) Yes, that hit the nail on the head. I could not imagine what relief would be like. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t even have the energy to move to the tunnel’s end to find out if I was wrong or right about the light.

Then a letter arrived in the mail. It was from a kidney foundation, seeking donations from members of the public. It featured a young man, only 30 years of age, who had dreams of being a chef in a renowned hotel. Then his kidneys failed, one within a week of the other. There was a genetic disease that ran in his family. All hopes were dashed. He would be subject to regular thrice-weekly dialysis treatments for the rest of his life. Here was a man, his whole life ahead of him, and his body was failing him. I was dying inside (or so it felt) but otherwise had a healthy functioning body. Everything suddenly shifted into perspective. Who was I to complain? What did the world owe me, anyway? Was I so special that I should not have to suffer? And it dawned on me, very gradually, that I was perpetuating my own misery by refusing to move on. Yes, suffering is a choice. Correspondingly, so is happiness. You can carry your own internal weather within you, whether it rains, snows, or shines on the outside, regardless of the circumstances, environment or situation you find yourself in.

From that point on, I stopped hanging my head and looking down at my feet whenever I went out. I surrounded myself with self-help books. Positive friends and life-savers suddenly re-appeared in my life again. I switched to a more satisfying job, one that gave me the space and opportunity to work on my own and concentrate on my own healing. I made myself a golden paper star for everyday I got through intact, and dropped it into a jar to remind myself how far I’d travelled along on the most difficult and personal journey of my life. I took up Reiki for the emotional healing it offered. I journalled my thoughts. I essentially just put one foot in front of the other and doggedly plodded forward one small step at a time. Baby steps, that’s what today’s culture calls it. No thinking about the journey, no planning about where I was headed. Just survival, the basics, no past, no future.

I realized that however you perceive yourself and the world, the way you relate to your surroundings, the universe magnifies and returns a thousand-fold to you. How you see yourself is how the world sees you. So I told myself No, I was not an abandoned victim. I was a liberated survivor who had the strength to hold my head high. A friend had this even more profound observation to share: She said, with utmost conviction, that once you take your first step into a new world, a new reality, a new you, the universe changes itself to match your footprints. Every step that you take changes the environment to make your journey just that little bit smoother and easier, bringing your new reality just that little bit closer to you. Your path is being altered, moulded as it is being travelled. Your reality is being manifested as you live it, right from this moment to the very next.

Therefore, how you live in each moment determines what the next moment will be, ie you are creating all your tomorrows right now, starting from this very present moment, even as your eyes are moving along the words on this page. That really, is the basis of The Secret, the law of attraction. This is also the theme along Stephen Covey’s 1st habit, Be Proactive. We are not the victims we make ourselves out to be. All we have to do is take charge, and create the lives we want. All that we are today is a product of past choices. Once you accept that, and accept responsibility for what you are today, you are empowering yourself to change all your tomorrows. This concept is so simple yet profound, it cannot be anything but true.

And yet, happiness eludes so many of us. Richard Carlson, author of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” has this to say:
“One of the most basic spiritual principles in many philosophies is the idea of opening your heart to ‘what is’ instead of insisting that life be a certain way. Much of our internal struggle stems from our desire to control life, our unwillingness to accept life as being different, in any way, from our expectations. We spend our lives wanting things, people and events to be just as we want them to be – and when they’re not, we fight and we suffer. But life isn’t always (or even rarely is) the way we would like it to be – it is simply the way it is. The greater our surrender to the truth of the moment, the greater will be our peace of mind. If you can open your heart to life’s challenges, make it okay for you that things are not always okay, you will find that many of the things that have always bothered you will cease to be concerns. Your perspective deepens. You are able to transcend the events of your life.“

Although Mr Carlson was referring to the difficulties of daily life, I think his words are especially true when the event that is hurting you has occurred in the past. Sometimes we allow ourselves to continue to be hurt by something that has happened in the past, holding on to our pain and reliving the injustices we faced. We never outgrow our bitter experiences, keeping ourselves imprisoned in a past that no longer exists and cannot be re-created. We re-enact old events, we cling to a victim’s identity, one who was cheated upon by a spouse, who was robbed, who was raped, who had a loved one snatched away, who was abandoned or unloved as a child, who was unfairly dismissed from work, who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I am not taking these experiences lightly, they would bring the strongest of us down to our knees, but my point is that all of this energy keeps us attached to an event that is now over and can never be changed. Instead of thinking “This too, shall pass”, we insist that “This thing should never have happened”. We hurt ourselves again and again by reliving our past traumas, indigestible acts and events of unfairness that happened to us. The healing of the past only starts when you can begin to live in the present. You have to shift your perspective and re-direct your focus to a place where you have your resources and energy, the present. The present is where you have your control and your power, this very moment now is the point at which you can take charge.

Ironically, I got this line from a horoscope reading in May this year: “Spiritual strength rests upon our ability to become a big picture person and learn to see that somewhere along the line all of our experiences, whether good or bad, have a tremendous and positive impact upon us in the final outcome.” Yes, the gift of any crisis is evolution, authenticity, strength, wisdom, compassion, courage. In the words of Laura Day, “Rock bottom can be the best place to start.”

You can turn your ending into a new beginning, right now. Let your journey of creation begin today.

A Frog and a Rainbow

2009-06-27T15:57:00.006+08:00

There is this beautiful song about rainbows that was performed in the opening sequence of the 1979 Muppet Movie. It was sung by Kermit the Frog (voiced by his creator Jim Henson). Stuck somewhere in the dim recesses of my childhood memory, I was re-acquainted with it during singing classes in Primary school when I was 12.

Here’s a link to the clip of our adorable Kermit:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4s155_rainbow-connection_shortfilms

What is really magical about this song (it’s called “Rainbow Connection”) is how its haunting, lilting melody masks the profundity of its lyrics. At first sight, you are charmed as the camera pans through the swamp to a close-up of this adorable green frog perched on a log, serenading us with his nasal “froggy” voice as he plucks at his banjo. As the catchy waltz is sung however, you realize that the song itself has a deeper meaning than you originally caught on. You soon realise that this song is a parable of life, a metaphor if you will, about searching for the purpose and meaning of your existence.

And that is where the fascination lies. How can a song, performed for a kid’s movie, be so deep that even upon looking at the lyrics, you struggle to comprehend its meaning? So before I ramble on further, here’s a look at the lyrics of “Rainbow Connection”:

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what’s on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it
I know they’re wrong, wait and see.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
and someone believed it,
and look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell,
we know that it’s probably magic….

Have you been half asleep
and have you heard voices?
I’ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.
It’s something that I’m supposed to be.
Someday we’ll find it,
the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.
La, da da, La, da da do, La Laa, la la, La, La la doooooo

As I sang this at 12, the lyrics made no sense to me. Even upon picking up my songbook 10 years later (and cringing at the childish hand-writing), the meaning of the words remained maddeningly obscure. What were the song-writers, Kenny Ascher and Paul Williams, trying to convey? Thankfully, with the miracle of the Internet and Google, I’ve found out that there were others who were similarly baffled by the lyrics. Here’s a link to a blog where the writer has attempted (and succeeded admirably) in making sense of this song.

http://garrettthomas.wordpress.com/2008/07/19/the-rainbow-connection-meaning/

In a word, “wow”! I like how the writer says that even as we search for a purpose to our existence, a meaning to our life, that calling deep down inside of us, as we question religion and the existence of God, we can look within to find the real answers deep down inside of us. As an individual, you can find your own meaning. Your life is what you make of it. If this is not inspiring, I don’t know what is.

Sometimes when you are lost, all it takes is a frog and a song about rainbows to bring you back to a place of hope and dreams. So are you a lover, a dreamer or somewhere in between?

When....

2009-06-15T23:00:00.004+08:00

When will you realize
That love is a gift that is bestowed upon you
Not a transaction from which you barter for that which you do not deserve

When will you start
To see the abundance in this world
And not compare yourself to others on a different journey than yours

When will you understand
That success is much more than the car you drive and the house you own
That who you are inside and how you touch other’s lives is the measure of true greatness

When will you begin
To see beyond the limitations in your mind
And realize that success comes from unrelenting effort, no matter what cards life deals you with

When will you know
That the true worth of your child is not the blood that runs in his veins
But rather the result of parenting that comes from a place of love

When will you honour
The people in your life who love you freely
And start taking responsibility for your actions in causing them pain

When will you face
The truth that lies within you
And not hide under a blanket of false self-delusions

When will you give
All that you are capable of giving
Without resentment, or hope of some favour in return

When will you learn
That true joy comes from being happy for others’ successes
Not assessing their worth in terms of how useful they are to your own success

When will you regret
All the time that you wasted chasing shadows
When you could have spent those precious hours basking in the joy of being alive

When will you become
The person that you are capable of being
The person that I don’t see in you now

I have no answers for you, but I wish you well…..

Talent is demoralizing

2009-06-06T23:59:00.005+08:00

I was first introduced to the name Paul Potts by my sis' friend, Joyce. He was the most unlikely candidate in Britain's Got Talent because of his low self-esteem but his talent in singing was undeniable.

Watch Paul Pott's audition.

This year, we were introduced to another Paul Potts. Her name is Susan Boyle, and she was as talented and as unlikely a winner. The difference though is that she had her self-confidence but she was 47 when she was discovered.

Watch Susan Boyle's audition.

When you see talent, you can't deny it. Knowing that they come from an underprivileged background makes them stand out all the more, as in you know they are undoubtedly gifted. Because someone else can be trained to sing well, to broaden their octave range, and so on.

To me, Susan Boyle who didn't win Britain's Got Talent deserved to win. Why did the general public stop her from achieving her ambitions? But on the other hand, Paul Potts was a clear winner and he shouldn't have lacked in confidence.

Where would that leave the rest of us who don't have any talent? Sometimes a consolatory word would be that we haven't yet uncovered our potential, and that there's a purpose for everyone of us. But when you reach your 30s, and you still haven't made yourself feel proud, then it is demoralizing. There probably isn't any talent in you after all.

Talent must be visible to not only yourself, but receive consensus from other people. But as I was told, to the introvert, he knows he is good at what he does, and he doesn't need to know other people's opinion of him. To me, it is true he may have good feelings about himself generally, but if he were good, no one would deny him that he was good. Or would they? So I came back to Susan Boyle and I wondered, why would the public choose Diversity over her? To me, Diversity's act can be perfected from sheer hard work and creativity. But not everyone has Susan Boyle's voice. She is unique.

So I made an about-turn. We should be more introverted with the opinion of ourselves. I know what I'm good at, because I like what I do, and because I spend a long time perfecting my craft, I improve. If I don't like what I do, then I probably won't be good at it. I can learn from other people who are good at it, but I won't sustain myself long without interest. Falling out from the race is a clear sign that I'm not interested in my job.

When someone praises me, good job, it motivates me. But I'm not living for your praises, I'm trying to leave a legacy of my superb tasks behind for you to admire. Sometimes I compare my work to another person's and I find, hey he did it better. The first thought in my mind is that he's better than me. But as I found, the introvert thinks that, true, he has that ONE part that is better than mine. But I don't care, there's not 100% of what he did that was better than me. I have this list of what I did which I believe is better than how he implemented it, and I'm incorporating his part of the contribution so that my task is overall superior. This is having faith in yourself.

So how about passion over monetary rewards? Does this mean we should choose the job we love over money? Hell no. Our job should sustain us. We love what we do, but we're not going to devote 16 hours of everyday on the job. We also love to take a break, have a fine-dining experience and waste away some of our time. We are not earning to sustain our lifestyle, but we want that hard-earned treat. We need to space out, to slack on the job too.

My work-based execution module, which took a module from Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says that to be a good performer, we devote 20% to Important and Urgent tasks, 70% to Not urgent but Important tasks, and 10% to Neither Important nor Urgent tasks. That 10% is an important part of our life.

This formula should work. I think it works.

The Best Policy

2009-05-23T19:51:00.001+08:00

One personality quiz I recently took presented this question on integrity:

Which virtue is your strongest – Charisma, Honesty, Righteousness or Fervor (ie Enthusiasm)?

Now, I love personality quizzes. Arguably, you would question the accuracy and reliability of their results, but they’re fun to do all the same. The good quizzes leave you baffled with the depth of their questions. Reflecting on the right answer is often eye-opening, giving you a better understanding of yourself.

I was momentarily confused with the meaning of “Righteousness”, thinking it meant piousness/holiness/godliness, which had religious connotations. The thesaurus however, defined righteousness as morality, uprightness, goodness, rectitude. Well, this was a slightly broader spectrum than mere honesty, which was only one of the virtues of righteousness.

That said, it was a tough choice between the virtue I felt was my strongest, and the one I most aspired to have. Ultimately, I am a great advocate of Honesty, with others and with yourself; but mostly, with yourself. Honesty with others is an easy thing. It’s so clear to us when others are wrong, so easy to judge them, to provide unsolicited advice and tell them what they should or should not have done. Sometimes honesty with others is just plain meanness. Is it really necessary to tell a friend that their new hairdo doesn’t suit them, or tell your spouse they did a poor job with the housework, or tell a co-worker you don’t think they’re cut out for that promotion they’ve set their heart on? The challenge with being honest with others is really balancing it with kindness and compassion. Perhaps there is a milder way of being truthful, even when they are asking for your sincere opinion. Sometimes they’re not ready for the truth, no matter what they say.

But the real challenge about honesty is really being honest with yourself. It is not easy to face yourself, weaknesses, warts and all. On the physical front, a lot of us are already unhappy with what we see in the mirror. This low body image translates into obsessions with unhealthy dieting, slimming programs and all kinds of eating disorders just so that we can fit in with a prescribed societal standard of beauty. On the other end of the spectrum, we could have such low body image that we don’t even bother with our appearance, telling ourselves it’s too troublesome to follow the latest fashions because secretly we think there’s nothing we can do to improve our appearance since we’re already so unattractive anyway.

Or perhaps, you are so proud of your appearance that you spend all your time upgrading your wardrobe to look good and feel confident about yourself, because maybe you think you have nothing of value other than your looks? When we develop ourselves, it is not just about looking good. Being beautiful is wonderful, but that’s not the end of the line. Don’t neglect self-development, pursuing new skills and knowledge, new languages, even keeping up with the latest news and world events is a form of development. Dabble in all sorts of things until you find something you are really good at. We are all born with some innate talent, sometimes latent, we just haven’t discovered it and found a way to tap into it. We should realize that we are more than our looks. Maximize everything about yourself, within and without.

Even harder than facing our physical imperfections, is facing our inner imperfections; what we perceive to be personality flaws or weaknesses, aspects of ourselves we struggle to hide from our family, friends and employers. Sometimes we are so adept at hiding our real selves that we begin to believe the outer mask we wear is our true self. Psychologists term this the “self-image”. This is a passage taken from “Effective Management Skills” by John Scott & Arthur Rochester. I remember being riveted when I first read this many years ago:

"The way each of us perceives ourselves is a fundamental element in our personality. It is also extremely difficult to do it accurately. Each of us has a view of himself that is only partly realistic. Each person has in himself certain real powers, abilities, and potentials – his “real self”. Many of these he will be aware of. But many he won’t know or he’ll be unsure of. What is more his upbringing will have persuaded him that there are certain abilities he ought to have (whether he has them or not). If he doesn’t actually have them, he will try to convince himself he is something that he is not.

A person’s self-image is in many ways the self he subconsciously feels he ought to be. This will overlap with his real self, but won’t totally coincide with it. One’s real self is an irregular shape, full of odd corners in the personality that are at best only dimly realized by anyone – perhaps least of all by oneself. One’s self-image is a neater, more sharply defined shape. Like anyone else, man understands things (himself included) in much tidier ways than exists in reality. To some extent, his self-image must overlap with reality. If there is little overlap, this person would be what we termed mentally insane. But however sane he is, a person’s self-image will inevitably contain some elements of fiction."

And that is where, I think, Honesty and maturity come into play. As we mature, we gain a better insight of ourselves, where we are and how far we are from who we think we ought to be. But there is still that struggle sometimes when we want to believe (or have others believe) that we are better than we really are, as virtuous as we claim ourselves to be. We embellish stories, exaggerate wrong-doings done to us, improve on the part we played in a narrative just to gain others’ sympathy or approval or achieve the desired dramatic effect in a tale we are regaling for others’ enjoyment. We get defensive when criticized, hide the real reasons we have for our actions, hurt people by our insecurity and by not explaining ourselves, with-hold the truth for fear of judgement by others.

The greatest irony is that we are most adept at kidding and deluding ourselves. We can mostly rationalize all our decisions, choices that we make and provide the soundest logic on the reason we acted the way we did in any situation. Sometimes we repeat these justifications over and over again in a bid to convince ourselves that it is true. A local celebrity, caught philandering and served divorce papers by his wife said, “Well, perhaps it was fated that I would marry (insert name of woman he was having fun with)”. (What the ..?) How does fate come into play in this? Did fate arrange for him to marry one woman, have children and then abandon his first family? A woman who allows her young son to play unsupervised in an abandoned mining pool only to find him drowned a few hours later says, “it must be God’s will”. God’s will, or parental negligence? A mining pool is man-made. A child who drowns in a mining pool was not suddenly swept away by a tsunami or attacked by sharks. There was no natural catastrophe involved. How was that God's will?

The list goes on. We smoke but tell ourselves it’s not necessary to quit smoking because some so-and-so we knew smoked his whole life and lived to be a healthy 93 years old. We are overweight and obviously out of shape but we tell ourselves exercise is not practical because we’re too busy. (Too busy to take care of our health, or too busy to live a longer life?) Our work has lost its meaning and we dread going into the office each day but we tell ourselves it’s a jungle out there and make no attempt to find a more satisfying job. (how do you know it’s a jungle out there if you’ve not even stepped out of your cushy, comfort zone?) We are in an unhealthy relationship that has ceased to have any positive effects in our lives but we tell ourselves it’s ok, at least we’re not with a murderer/drunkard/wife-batterer. Sometimes, even when it’s obvious that this same person wants nothing to do with us anymore, we continue to hang around, waiting for a miracle or for this person to change his/her mind. Worse, we justify this by giving this person an “essential” new role to play in our lives.

Other times, we are so averse to new things that we tell ourselves we don’t like something even when we haven’t tried it. It’s different when you admit you don’t like it because you’ve tried it and you’re not good at it (like a new sport or hobby, for example). There’s honesty there for you. But when you resist new experiences out of fear/laziness and lie to yourself that you just “don’t like it”, you are moving yourself into a little stagnant quadrant of zero growth. How do you know you don’t like sashimi if you’ve never tasted it? Are you so sure para-sailing is not for you if you never gave it a shot? Why fear animals if you’ve never been near one or been introduced to a friendly specimen? Are you homo-phobic? Why? Do you even know anyone who is gay and what have they ever done to hurt you? Have you ever tried being friends with one?

I ruthlessly dissect myself and my motives for doing things. The truth is never comfortable, but it gives me better self-understanding and from that awareness I know where to channel my energy for self-improvement. For example, I’m a racist and a certain race annoys me no end. (it’s a result of honesty that I can admit this in a public blog) When people of this race behave a certain way, I always justify my dislike of them by thinking, “Well, they’re like that. Cunning apple-polishers who take all the glory while trying to get out of doing the ground work.” But I catch myself and consciously look for others of this race who are not like this at all. And I realize I am stereo-typing again, as usual. It doesn’t mean I can change my inherent thinking in a day, but I am consciously adjusting it everytime I fall into the trap of this kind of thinking.

In facing stressful events or situations as well, I step back and ask myself, what exactly it is that I fear or dread the most? Before giving a recent talk to a group of visiting fresh university graduates, I asked myself what was the worst that could happen. What was it that was freaking me out so much about public speaking? It turns out, it was the fear of embarrassment, of forgetting the punchline to my jokes, of not having any response to what I was presenting. Well, was it that bad? No, not really. They were strangers and I was not trying to impress anybody. So I relaxed and the talk went smoothly. My fears were unfounded the moment I confronted myself honestly. It was more about me than it was about the external trigger. I had a recurring fear of bumping into my ex with his girl-friend while I was out shopping. Why? Because I feared the pain it would cause me, and the agony I would go through for days after the sight of them together was burned into my mind. But more than that, I was afraid of the embarrassment I would face if they both saw how painful it was for me. And then I realized it could only hurt me if I let the incident affect me that strongly. If I could envision it, and picture myself walking away calmly, what was preventing me from doing exactly that when it actually happened?

I am capable of being witty and telling on-the-spot anecdotes that can make my listeners laugh. It was some time before I caught on that I was often telling jokes at someone else’s expense, as a result of putting him/her down or describing an embarrassing situation this person found himself/herself in. I sometimes did this when the person in question was not around too. Now, I make self-deprecating jokes instead. How disparaging can it be when you’re telling something about yourself? And you gain greater respect both from others and from yourself this way.

But back to the quiz above: Even though I aspire to Honesty, my strongest virtue is Charisma. It’s not something I’m exactly proud of, just honest enough to admit. Charisma is something you take for granted, I don’t know for certain how one goes about learning it (but it can be learned), and it’s been useful to me in many social and corporate situations. Truth be told, it envelops you with an aura of popularity and charm that may not always be authentic. Charisma is not a bad thing, but it's an art, not a virtue. Adolf Hitler, Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama all have this quality. An honest person however, one who is sincere and true, well that kind of person is a rarer find. Give me George Washington over James Bond any day.

What about you? What's your strongest virtue?

Be vigilant Be observant Be compassionate

2009-04-19T01:57:00.003+08:00

While I was browsing for backdated news about the court proceedings on the Altantuya murder case, I arrived at an informative site, malaysiacrimewatch.lokety.com. After reading through much news on Altantuya, my attention was hooked onto Nurin Jazlin. I readily remembered the horrific post-mortem pics I saw before, and I was wondering who the suspect was and whether he had been charged. I assumed he had, because it happened so long ago. To my disbelief, the case remains open. I suddenly became obsessively curious about what had happened to the investigations. I have no idea why, it was just too disturbing to ignore.

Suddenly, my whole Internet Explorer was filled with tabs and tabs of crime reports, forums, blogs about this case. The timeline starting from abduction to grisly discovery of the duffel bag were detailed here: www.seventh-angel.net/2007/09/21/al-fatihah-nurin-jaslin-jazimin/

I was led to the CCTV footage of the perpetrator dumping the duffel bag in broad daylight. I had not known the existence of this video because I don’t watch TV often (where it was broadcast in news) nor read MSM everyday. The video was extremely spooky to me. It is here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTpK34KgpOU&feature=PlayList&p=C42FCE106259EA6D&index=0&playnext=1

I was frightened by that video because the pervert was not really having a phone conversation. He held his mobile while looking around him for witnesses, and then when he found the right spot to throw his victim’s body away, he came back immediately without talking on his mobile, took down the duffel bag and plonked it where he last explored, then took off unsuspiciously. The misfortune to us all is that he was caught on camera but he has never been caught. He is absolutely challenging it to our faces to catch him. I am incensed by it.

The things to look out for when watching this video were thought out by many forummers, here is one:

Police should emphasize on WHAT TO OBSERVE while watching the footage ie.

“Please observe the combination of these:

a) He is (most probably) a right handed person

b) He has or had a black Modenas Kriss

c) Notice the T-shirt – dark with white letter wording across the chest area

d) The way he walks (better still, if the police can re-tune the video to the nearest natural speed so viewers can notice the natural way he walk)

e) Notice his body frame

f) Most probably he is/was staying in KL/Selangor area during the murder

I believe the a->f combination is VERY UNIQUE to someone. So, pls, to the KL/Selangorian, compare that with your neighbor, your friend or even your relatives. And call 999 should you notice/think/find a suspect that matches with the combination”.

I don’t know whether this case has been over-publicized by the police and politicians, but everything I found I did it on the internet. The shop where the body was found belonged not to a book distribution company but to an insurance group. Even the names of the manager, employee and address were clearly stated (31, Jalan PJS 1/48). Oh my, do we need the details?

There were 3 men and a girl in a red blouse who were caught in the footage, an hour later. The three men were the first to report to the police, the girl in red, who turned out to be a 15-year-old teenager, finally appeared to the police as well, but it was claimed that none of them noticed the bag when they were there. The girl in red and the motorcycle man were the two people in the photofits released by police, man's photofit repeated here:

Previously, an Indonesian woman was suspected to be the woman in red. This Indonesian swallowed a SIM card while she was being taken to court, and landed in hospital while the police and doctors waited for her to expunge the SIM card. Finally, after extracting the SIM card from her, they declared the card could not be salvaged after the brutality of her stomach acid. Is that a truth? I’m not a SIM card designer, nor have I studied it, but it is a ROM circuit.. can it really not be salvaged? Hacked a little to powerup and then read its contents??

On 31 Oct 2007, an attempted kidnap was reported in Wangsa Maju. It was a man in a white van, similar to the way Nurin was kidnapped, who tried to coax an 11 year-old boy to come closer to him and give him directions. The boy tried to ignore him, but the man followed him closely behind. The mother looking out her kitchen window sensed something amiss because her son was crying and walking hurriedly, while the man was tailing him closely. She screamed for help and the man sped away without the boy. What audacity that Nurin had just been killed on 16 Sep and within a month, the paedophiles were back at crime again!

On 14 Jan 2008, police arrested two men around the capital city based on public tip-offs that they matched the photofit of the suspect. The second suspect was the most suspicious, because he rode a black Modenas Kriss and he fitted the description of the photofit, and he worked as a security guard at an abandoned building. His colleague alleged that he often ferried young girls to the abandoned building, and that the girls were teary-eyed. Sometimes his wife would stay with him at his workplace. Following this man's arrest, police brought all the other 4 victims of the Kampung Baru molester to this abandoned building and asked them if they recalled being there. Police scoured the whole building looking for clues. The suspect was said to have cleaned up a room and furnished it with new furniture.

Another case I've followed is Melissa Huckaby in California. The victim was raped with a foreign object and dumped into a suitcase. I had been thinking how hard it was to catch someone who used foreign objects as rape objects. Yet by some intelligence, Tracy police managed to catch the perpetrator of a similar crime. What is wrong with our police? Could they have caught the suspect sometime ago?

The following are timeline of investigations after Nurin was buried:

9 Aug 2007: IGP issues stern warning against those who forward post-mortem pictures of Nurin, and demand the culprits who leaked the photos onto the web to be identified.

25 Sep 2007: Police create photofit of motorcycle man from a houseowner at PJS 1/48 who was approached by a man asking to rent a room for himself and his daughter.

28 Sep 2007: Police arrest 5 suspects between ages 27-33 around Section 7. One has had many previous convictions of sexual assault (rape with foreign object is classified as sexual assault, not rape, although the object used could be more heinous than that in rape). All suspects were released finally after DNA tests could not match them to the hair strands found on Nurin’s corpse.

29 Sep 2007: Indonesian woman swallowed SIM card while being taken to court.

2 Oct 2007: Photofit of two suspects released, woman and man.

12 Oct 2007: CCTV footage released to mainstream media. This had been enhanced by FBI.

13 Oct 2007: The three men in the silver Kenari turn up at police station to give statements. They did not know the girl they gave a lift to. They dropped her at Puduraya.

24 Oct 2007: Girl in red blouse turns up at police station to give her statement

14 Jan 2008: Two suspects were detained, both guards aged 32 and 43 years old. One was picked up from Lorong Haji Taib/Jln Chow Kit, the second arrested at an abandoned building, next to the National Library, at Lot 252-254 in Jalan Tun Razak where he works. The second suspect was living in Kampung Paya Jaras in Sungai Buloh. He has a wife and 3 sons. None of the victims could positively identify either suspect.

21 Jan 2008: A 5 year-old girl was almost abducted by a man in a black van outside the restaurant where her mother was eating. The girl was playing with her 12 year old sister. When the 12 year-old tried to rescue her sister, a commotion ensued and both girls were saved when two women came out to check. The girls related to their mother that they saw a young boy tied and gagged in the van!

13 Dec 2008: Kampung Baru molester resurfaces. A nine year-old from Kampung Selayang Baru was abducted for 3 hours. Her description of the molester was similar to the photofit of both cases of Nurin and Sharlinie, but this time other than wearing black, he wore a sarung and cap. He was on a motorcycle. He drove her to a wooden hut with no furniture but only a cupboard and coaxed her to enter the hut. She refused. He slapped her and took her to a playground to calm her down. When he passed a religious school, they heard her brother shouting and he dropped her off there before speeding away.

2 Apr 2009: A 10 year-old girl was forcefully grabbed from her bicycle at 1PM while on her way to Kampung Melayu Subang school and driven around until 11PM, when she was dumped into a monsoon drain near the Subang toll plaza. Her assailants were 3 men, masked in black, driving a white van. They seemed to have lost interest in their heinous intention and she wasn't harmed.

We are not immune to criminals. Let's galvanize our attitudes toward being more civic-minded. Let's become more observant than we already are, let us be the eyes and ears of the police with regards to missing children. When we see or hear something amiss, think immediately of being more observant, look for the registration plate of the vehicle, look closer at the adults involved. Know what a Modenas Kriss looks like. His motorbike did not have a basket.

I don't have to tell you but google on Ang May Hong. Know how her father found her, and under what condition she was found. Heartless, but because her perpetrator had never been caught, his copycat or himself has been continuing!

Tell your children not to be persuaded by talk of money, or parents, or animals. The tagline of the Kampung Baru molester is "Kucing abang hilang. Kucing itu lawa. Adik boleh tolong cari kucing itu tak? Nanti abang bagi upah." Tell them not to worry about your safety. Leave it to an adult to worry about another adult's safety. Drum your advice into them daily, even if it tires the both of you.

Today all we can say is that he will receive his punishment on Judgement Day. Suppose that on Judgement Day, he judges himself and no one else. Out of his own opinion, he strongly believes that he was innocent of wrongdoing. Then he is going to be loose from his obligation to pay for his crime. Stop showing apathy. If there is something to be done, let's do something about it!

The Other Side of a Flu

2009-04-12T13:13:00.002+08:00

I have just come out of a bad bout of flu. Not one those annoying scratchy-throat, tickly-nose, gone-in-1-day flus. But a real flu flu. Like if they had a Richter 1-to-10 scale for flus, where 1 would be that out-of-the-woods feeling you get each time you’re a bit down and exposed to a sneezing co-commuter on the train or a cold your toddler’s brought back from pre-school, and 10 would be that all-out, full-force totally debilitating, flat-on-the-couch, wonder-where-you- are disorientation when even the thought of walking to the bathroom to empty your bladder exhausts you, and waves of nausea engulf you the moment you try to get up from your horizontally sprawled position to make your way to that aforementioned bathroom. Well, on that scale I would have scored a marvelous 8.5. Yes, this time the flu has wrapped her treacherous tentacles firmly around me and is slowly drowning me in her insidious poison, intent on not letting go until I am incoherent and scarcely conscious.

With nose dripping, eyes watering, throat burning and as dry as chalk on a blackboard, joints aching and feverish dreams racing through my mind, it is hard not to get depressed and self-pitying. The more morbid of us start to fantasise that our dying moments must feel like this. Delirious, floating around (either physically or in our heads, we can’t really tell the difference anymore), and alone, oh, most definitely alone. That is the most chilling aspect of it all. Death, disease, dying – it is a journey we travel alone, without guides, without instructions, no user manuals or trial runs for you. You don’t even know what awaits you at the end of the journey, or if there is even an end to this journey. You wonder if all that you’ve done in this life counts for something, if anything, at all. Yes, this is a frightening place to be. I even wondered who would deliver my eulogy and whether this person would have anything to say. Then I remembered that Chinese funerals don’t require a eulogy (Damn.)

Add to this the fact that I live alone, and you can see where that self-pity is magnified. Any chicken soup and tender loving care are to be self-administered. Of course, when you’re all well and recovered there’s that satisfaction of knowing how independent and brave you were, how you did it all by yourself without the pampering and molly-coddling people are apt to expect when they’re ill. But believe me, it’s no bed of roses when you’re still in the throes of it, when you wake in the middle of the night to reach for that box of tissues to mop up your nose only to find you’ve run out and you need to make your way to the storeroom downstairs just to get another box. That’s not exactly a moment that you would catch your breath and exclaim, “Oh, life’s so beautiful!”.

Yet, even a flu can be fun (hey, this is a positive blog we have here, remember?). You see, the satisfaction of having a flu is you really have a legitimate excuse to vegetate and do nothing, but absolutely nothing, at all. You’re supposed to be recuperating, remember? Those cold medications they give you, they just wipe you out. Just gulp down one pill and before you can say, “Bless the good doctor” you’re down, total bliss, total oblivion, no cares, no worries, unconscious, at rest, at peace. It’s like death, but just temporary. No guilt about shirking your chores, no worries about skipping that dreaded weights class, no beating yourself up about not meeting that Christian evangelist aunt you’d promised to call this weekend. And hey, before you know it, you wake 3 hours later with a cleared nose and it takes you a full 5 minutes before you can remember what your first name is. Like, how cool is that?

There is also that added benefit of losing your appetite. After all, most of these medications leave you with such a bland mouth everything tastes just about the same on your tongue. No cravings there for you, just warm food, anything you can get your hands on. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be warm, even a bun will do, because you just want something to keep your tummy from digesting itself together with the drugs you’re taking. Hey, who needs food when we get to sleep most of the day away? The best thing is, we’re probably losing weight along with all this anyway. Without battling our appetite and cravings or munching on salads and drinking diet protein shakes. Bliss, I tell ya.

Of course, there’s also that added bonus of taking medical leave away from work. No mind-numbingly boring meetings, where you sit there 2 hours while wondering what the purpose your attendance at the meeting serves, much less what difference your absence in the dialogue makes. And there’s the pleasure of getting to turn off your mobile, no smses, no calls to take, no email to check, totally incommunicado, while you lounge on your couch all day in your jammies, catching up on old “Friends” re-runs and laugh the day away. Actually, the only time you even need to use your brains is when you’re channel-surfing and you need to remember what channel American Idol is on. And when you need to run to the loo, you can pee with the bathroom door open since you’re at home and unlike at the office, there’s no one to see you anyway. Whoopee!

But like all good things that come to an end, you know your flu-heaven is just temporary and after your recovery period you need to fall back down to earth again. Even so, there’s always that enjoyment to be had when your appetite returns and you have your first substantial meal. Oh, how good it is to taste everything in its full-flavoured glory. You never realise how good a plate of wanton noodles taste until after your convalescence. After that drug induced haze has cleared up, the food just melts on your tongue, sliding down your throat, reminding you how good it is to be alive. Until you go without, you don’t realise how much you enjoy the things you take for granted on a daily basis.

And when you check your emails (finally) you discover a host of get-well-soon messages from remote colleagues, while those at the same office smile and nod at you sympathetically as if to say, “And how are you doing now, poor dear?” not knowing that you’ve just been back from having one of the best times of your life. You know there’s a lot of work to catch up on, but at least a portion of those “urgent” requests have resolved themselves either due to the timeline (where the event is already over and negates the necessity of any action on your part), or the fact that someone else has attended to them in your absence.

Best of all, as you gingerly go about resuming the pace of your pre-flu life, you are reminded of your mortality, that our time here on earth is limited, that we are to appreciate our physical body and treat it with the respect it deserves, that every second we have here is to be cherished and made the most of. What is life after all, but a series of present moments? And how we live those present moments is the legacy we leave behind for others.

Peace and good health to all!

I...

2009-03-13T21:30:00.009+08:00

I don’t seek to be different, that was never my intent,
I don’t try to be unique, sell myself as my own brand.
All I want is to be free, to find my path and my own way,
To live, to love, to question my choices, so please try to comprehend,

That whatever works for you is fine, but your journey is not mine,
You have your dreams, your life, your needs, so follow your own heart.
Just don’t forget to look within, to see inside yourself,
For then you know that this is where it comes from, where it starts.

Sometimes it takes a lot of pain, before we finally realise,
The error of our ways before, that which had made no sense, now clear,
How we were wasting our time, finding false meaning in our lives,
Until one day we’re lost, we falter, we lose all that we hold dear.

When that day comes, be brave, take heart, knowing others have gone before,
With strength we grow, we face our fears, and suddenly we know,
That we are braver than we think, cause when there’s nothing left to live for,
We find we start to know ourselves again, we become our own hero.

Then from this point on we begin, we find we are just starting,
To understand the depth of life, its richness, and its meaning.
With wisdom and maturity we have grown, and we now see,
That for every ending we survive, life grants a new beginning.

May you have many new beginnings and the courage to see them through .... :)

Things They Don't Teach You At School

2009-03-06T23:48:00.003+08:00

I look back on my school days with fond memories. Some of my dearest friendships were formed then. The school-going routine, the horrible ill-fitting uniforms, the rigid rules, the lessons, the exams, the canteen food, all those were a monotonous blur. But the friendships, the camaraderie, these things you remember over a long time. It’s during these formative years that you develop and cement your character. I remember insisting that “there’s no point in cooking a chicken curry if it did not contain potatoes” and “a cake is not worth baking if it’s not chocolate” and “there’s no singer alive who’s more good-looking than Leslie Cheung”.

I’ll never forget being taught algebra, 3 different languages, complicated science laws, boring facts of history & geography, yet they missed out on the most important lessons of life. How I wish they’d given us a “coping with life” list when we graduated from high school. I’d have loved to have guidance then on how to carry on with the rest of my life. I would have included these items on my list:

ON CHARACTER

1. Be kind. Even when you don’t have to be, even when the person you’re being kind to doesn’t deserve it, be kind anyway. Realise that everybody has a bad day sometimes.

2. Reach out. Give to others. Don’t under-estimate how a tiny gesture of support like taking the time to listen or a sincere word of warmth and acknowledgement can make a difference to anyone’s day.

3. Be compassionate, not competitive. Stop comparing what you have with others. Just do your best. And be at peace with the outcome of your best efforts. For a hundred people you can name who have more than you, there are millions more who would give their arms and legs to own a fraction of what you have.

4. Be fair. Just because life is unfair, it doesn’t give you the right to treat others unfairly or be mean to others. We all have our own little circles of influence, small areas within our control where we can make a difference to others’ lives. Just be just.

5. Be gracious. In the face of triumph or defeat, whether your moods are high or low, whether you are proven right or wrong.

ON RELATIONSHIPS

6. You don’t always have to be right. Sometimes, it is more important to be kind than be right. Choose your battles. Winning an argument doesn’t make you a better person. No one wants to be told they are wrong anyway. Just agree to disagree.

7. Love unconditionally. Nobody can ever meet the high standards you set for them. You don’t meet your own standards for yourself, either. Love anyway.

8. Forgive. Even when someone hasn’t come through for you, even when you’ve been seriously let down, even if you have been greatly disappointed, even when (and especially if) you’ve given it your best. Forgiveness is the first step towards healing. And if you blame yourself, forgive yourself as well.

9. Know when to let go. Understand that just as seasons change, so do people, feelings, conditions and circumstances. Sometimes, letting go will bring back the very same person in a different, more fulfilling way.

ON FAMILY

10. Accept your parents. Whatever they did or didn’t do for you, understand that they meant well, they truly love you and they did what they thought was right.

11. Accept your children. Sometimes the most important part of parenting is knowing when not to parent. You can’t protect your kids forever, and you’re just inhibiting their growth when you don’t allow them the space to make their own mistakes.

ON CAREER, PERSONAL GROWTH AND MONEY

12. Take risks. Don’t fear failure. Try everything. Each time you fall, pick yourself up, brush yourself down, and start again. Every small step forward you take, even if you trip over, is a step closer toward success.

13. When you aim, aim high. It’s like taking a leap for the highest branch of a tree. Then when you miss your grip, you can still grab at the 2nd or 3rd highest branches as you fall down. Imagine, if you started with leaping for the lowest branch, there would only be the ground left to fall back on if you missed. (as quoted by a beloved Chemistry lecturer)

14. Believe in yourself. What others think of you is none of your business. In fact, what they think of you is more a reflection of themselves than it is a reflection of you. Remember, only you can choose if you want to be a naysayer, too. A lovely quote by Milton Berle goes like this:

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are
Because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star,
I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far
For a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."

15. Remember that money is the means, not an end. You can’t take it with you into that six by two feet underground box you end up in at the end of your journey.

Yes, I would have liked to have this list on hand for reference. With the exception of point 13, all our teachers said was, “Work hard”.

Fundamental Differences?

2009-02-09T22:26:00.001+08:00

I don't know if these should ever be written. I know they're written after a relationship has ended. Should two people talk about fundamental issues together, or should we unload into a public forum like this?

People dissect a relationship after it has ended. While a relationship stays on, we couples tend to hide incompatibilities from outsiders, and disregard the warning signs. Is it something like being dishonest with ourselves? My sis was very open and honest after her relationship broke down. Previously, I used to suspect she was shielding the man's weaknesses from our family. But I felt really sad and down when she talked about her relationship, it made me cry, because she didn't deserve her fate. If only we could be honest like this, maybe things would work out better if we were all honest with one another. If a relationship wants to strengthen its foundations after honesty, it could. If it wants to falter, it would've faltered much sooner than later, which would've been better.

Should we admit that we are incompatible from the start? Or should we find out how to smoothen out those incompatibilities? The fundamental personalities are truly different, though not yet absolutely opposite, that I really want to tear my hair out trying to understand my partner better. We have gone through many of these depressing sessions, and spoken many good quotes to keep our bond together. Not just once, my partner told me not to talk about things I don't really mean. Instead of talking about breakup because we are so incompatible, why don't we take our lifetime to try to understand each other? We have a whole lifetime to try to understand each other. Which is again true. It was a strong quote from him which I honoured. It became my conviction because there was truth in it which didn't occur to me before.

We are fundamentally different because the question he asks does not seem to generate the right answer from me. Is it confusing? The question he asks sounds vague to me (no sense of being on the same wavelength) thus I give him my answer, which he doesn't understand because it didn't make sense to him. So he repeats the same question and I repeat the same answer because we don't know what the other means... and it goes on until I just wanna tear my hair out...!!! And shake the sense into him...!! I was wondering if people who are on the same wavelength stay on longer, and do people who aren't on the wavelength spend their lifetime to try to understand each other. These arguments do end up with us understanding the question and answer and hitting upon the right question/answer combination finally, but it is harder to get there than for two compatible persons.

Some days I could think, I could do without him. Sometimes, I could look at him and contemplate how difficult my life would be to be without him in particular, because he is very motivating. He's like my personal Anthony Robbins. But if two people are still very convinced they want to be together, then let no man or circumstance tear them asunder. If one side cannot be taught to understand the other and insists on getting out, then let it happen. Myself, I have not been put together with him by God yet, but I am eagerly waiting for my big day... Any long replies, please post into your own entry, thanks...

Bashing on Perak political chaos

2009-02-06T18:04:00.002+08:00

The people of Perak should blame themselves first before others. They voted for a 50:50 between state and opposition. They made a few insignificant assemblymen become prized assets, because with some simple inducements, the opposition have clinched majority. Those insignificant politicians should never have been made such prized assets because they are not. They remain of little value. When we enter the voting booth, we are looking for a party logo, not a particular candidate. I don't personally know any politician that I voted for, I only know the manifesto of the political party, and that is what I am supporting. It is impossible for me to know my politician: liking a person takes time. Should I want to know his ambitions, his personal opinions on state, government, economy etc, it would have to be over many cups of kopi, time which nobody can afford.

I couldn't quite care less about the 2 Malay assemblymen. All the news I wanted to read was about Hee Yit Foong. I couldn't understand why a Chinese would jump ship. Why? Is there turmoil within DAP? Is it intellectual disagreement, or is it core principle? I think PKR have not been given enough opportunity to prove their capability to govern. I think PKR deserves to lead Perak until the next mandate is sought.

I was surprised that the Sultan sided by Najib. However, thinking of a dissolution brought back memories of Permatang Pauh elections. During the PP time, an assemblyman vacated his seat for Anwar to return to politics. That alone cost Penang a holiday, and closed operations on a weekday. PP voters braved snarling traffic to go home to vote, to what end? Why must the people of Malaysia, on some whimsical fancy of state or opposition parties, go out and revote? We have reaped what we sowed. This is the harvest of Perak's 50:50 voter confidence. Isn't it true that that state doesn't mind being governed by either state or opposition?

I know every man on the street is behind Pakatan Rakyat. It is growing with every by-election. There is no need to prove it again. It is such a waste of Perak's time to revote the whole state. Calculate how many months ago the general election just ended. Had Perak been firm, they would've silenced their critics with a resounding majority win for PR. As Anwar says, be patient.

And remember, silence your critics with a resounding majority for one party. Be like Sabah, Sarawak. BN remains unshakeable there until the 13th GE. Although we think they're like katak di bawah tempurung, the truth is that the BN parties played more intelligently there than did the PR in Perak. Perhaps it's because everyone can eat pork there, that's why racially the Borneons mesh better. And thus they vote for one another. There is mutual trust when everyone's appetite is the same, and we can all share the same meal.

The Sultan's decision suggests to me that if Anwar did get the 30 BN MPs to crossover, the PR could have sat in Putrajaya last time the question surfaced. But it seems also that this crossing-over game will never end.

Through my observation, the Penang state goverment does not seem to have made much changes. Either that or I don't know where to look. There were various proposals but I'm not sure at what level of completion the proposals are in now. Can anyone send me a link of the state's current affairs? I would love to know. In any case, I would still have voted DAP in, because they are quiet and true to their word. Slowly, they practise what they preach. That is how their support is growing with every by-election. I have faith in PR. I forgive the King of Tennis fiasco because the state councillors are still greenhorn. It was an honest mistake and everyone is allowed to make mistakes as long as they learn not to repeat it.

2009 – New Year, New Theme

2009-01-02T13:19:00.003+08:00

So here is year 2009. Another new year, hopefully more new beginnings. Did you make your new year resolutions and make an effort to adopt good habits this year? Did you come out with your own slogan? Me, I don’t usually make New Year resolutions. Untraditional as it is, I see every single day as a new start, so I don’t have to wait until Dec 31st to launch a new set of changes or rules on myself. Why wait till next year, when you can begin tomorrow? Now doesn’t that sound so clever, except it’s merely an excuse to cover my impatience. I detest waiting, it’s not one of my better traits.

However, I have decided I will come out with a New Year’s theme. Yes, no resolutions, but I’ll have a theme for year 2009. And my theme is…. (drum roll, please)….. GRATITUDE. Yes, whatever I do in 2009, I’m going to think “gratitude”. All blessings will be taken note of and counted. Everything, but just everything, that I receive, I will be grateful for. This is not easily done in a world where we are surrounded with negativity and cynics who call themselves realists. Yes, to them we grateful people are just a bunch of dreamers; idealistic, grateful idiots who would thank a stranger for knocking us down on a public road and leaving us to die with our gushing wounds while the Chinese newspaper photographers snapped away at our dying moments.

But seriously, gratitude is not something to be taken lightly. In fact, there are more than a hundred things you can be grateful for in any day, that it’s ludicrous how much energy people use up in maintaining their mindset of negativity and pessimism. Perhaps it’s just a protective veneer against the disappointments of life. If you expect nothing, you won’t get hurt or feel let down. Well, expecting nothing is fine as long as you are pleasantly surprised when something goes well. If however, you only expect the worst of every situation and everyone, well, I can only say this kind of life is not very much worth living. You are suffering already in the anticipation of suffering. Worse, the expected negative outcome has not yet even occurred. Like, how pointless is that?

So, to demonstrate how easy it is to be grateful, I’m presenting here my grateful list, a thank you to everyone and everything I can think of right at this moment:

1. My wonderful dog, Ginger, who is always pleased to see me and whines with happiness at day’s end when I’m home, even though I am prone to long periods of ignoring her or neglecting her when I’m rushing out for errands. Your forgiving acceptance never ceases to warm me inside, my loving pooch.

2. The waiter who smiles and nods at me while awaiting my drinks order, each day I pick my favourite spot at the coffee-shop near home.

3. The fish-paste noodle vendor who greets me with a warm “Good Morning” and remembers my standard order of dry vermicelli with extra chilly even though I only eat at his stall once a week.

4. The sales assistant at Baker’s Cottage who recognises me when I frequently pick up my cream custard puff at least twice a week at her workplace and asks “not having the puff today?” when I pick up something different instead.

5. My gym instructors for being so upbeat every week and motivating us with their energy and infectious cheerfulness. Guys, you bring a smile to a lonely girl’s day.

6. Those birds at the backyard who wake me up each morning with their shrill chirps and trills. Yes, you sure are noisy and you frequently worry me because I have to shoo you away lest you perch on the awning bars above and poop on my clothes-dryer. Yet, hearing your singing reminds me why I am grateful to be alive and your presence lets me know the world is still beautiful and worth a song.

7. That little baby who smiled at me over in Oriental Cravings in One-Utama on Christmas Day. I love that mischievous knowing smile you gave me. Thank you for showing me that there are some really beautiful babies in the world.

8. My neighbour who lives three doors away who frequently lights incense and rings his prayer bell when worshipping his Hindu deity at the garden altar. You remind me of the strength of spirituality and the beauty of prayer in a world obsessed with materialistic possessions and form.

9. The garden weeds (yes, even my weeds!) for growing wildly on my front lawn and giving me an excuse to buckle down for some gardening and getting in touch with nature again. No thanks to you, I have blisters on my fingers, but without you I wouldn’t have spent so much time outside in the company of my dog, breathing the smells of the earth mixed with dog poop.

10. The waste disposal team who diligently removes our house-to-house garbage come rain or shine. Guys, I have seen you at your job during a rainstorm, and you unflinchingly continue your work with not even a raincoat on. You people are awesome, I salute you.

11. My ex-classmates who remember me and add me on Facebook. It means a lot that you still remember me after 20 years, you wonderful lunatics.

12. Great colleagues who genuinely care for me and are concerned for my well-being. You don’t know how much your support and compassion means to me. It is really true that in times of crisis, you will get to know who your real friends are.

15. My ex-boss for her support and belief in me. Truly, I’m not sure what I did to deserve your faith and trust in me. You always seem to think me capable of greater and bigger things, and for that I am forever grateful.

16. My role models, Aunty M and Mr L. One a godmother, the other another ex-boss. Your love, support, values and integrity inspire me and each day I strive to live in accordance to those principles and the example of greatness you set for me.

17. My best friends who have seen me through the worst times, watched all my relapses, and continue to believe I am wise, spiritually awakened and have a “beautiful heart”, who continually support me and tell me I did the right thing and they are proud of me, I can only thank you for your great empathy and compassion, for your patience and kindness, and if there is a God or Higher Self, I can only thank Him for manifesting you in my life at a time of great need. You are a blessing, truly.

18. All other artists in the world – Jay Chou, for giving us the gift of his wonderful music. Celebrated writers like David Viscott, Eckhart Tolle, Laura Day, Deepak Chopra, John Gray – your writings are a beacon in a time of darkness, please continue your inspiring works.

19. The discoverers of the cocoa bean and coffee beans, who concocted the most mouthwatering foods and beverages of today. Yours was indeed a great gift to mankind. It is difficult indeed, nay, unimaginable, to inhabit a world bereft of the joys of chocolates and coffee.

20. My mother, for her effort in bringing me up single-handedly. Thank you for all you had to go through for us.

21. All readers of this blog, thank you for your support and for staying with me through this whole article and for following my posts all this while.

Happy New Year to all.

Christmas - A Time of Introspection

2008-12-21T14:26:00.001+08:00

I love Christmas. I’m sure it has great spiritual meaning to the Christians. It is, after all, a celebration of the birth of their Saviour. For the rest of us, Christmas brings a certain reverence to the year end. It is the only holiday that is celebrated across all cultures and religions. Even atheists participate in the gift-giving and revelling. You don’t have to be a Christian to wish someone a Merry Christmas. The person you’re wishing it to doesn’t have to be Christian to say “Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you, too”.

There’s something about Christmas in December that’s magical, nostalgic, romantic and inspiring at the same time. Sure, we love those Christmas trees, twinkling stars, gaily-wrapped presents, chuckling Santas, singing carolers and red-nosed reindeers, and those other Christmassy stuff like candles, holly, angels, bells, wreaths, turkey dinners, Christmas pudding and Nativity plays. Not forgetting those wonderful Christmas songs.

And yet beneath all that surface festivity and holiday revelry, there is a sense of inner joy and peace, an anticipation for the year ahead. It is a time of contemplation and introspection. A time to reflect on the year past and how you’ve grown, the milestones you passed, people you met who made a difference to your life, challenges you faced, fears conquered, bridges crossed, changes you adapted to or survived, losses you suffered or have outgrown. Basically, how you have evolved in your journey since Dec 25th last year. Yes, when you get in touch with your inner self, you discover many profound truths.

It is also a time of gratitude. When you reflect on what you have, and realize that there is indeed abundance in this world. If you sit and count your blessings, you will find that you possess many gifts that you take for granted. I do this exercise a lot. It’s called “Packing your Trunk” and it’s from Laura Day’s book, “Welcome to your Crisis”. It goes like this:

Pretend that you were given another new life to start again. Make a list of what you would take from this life into your new life. You are only allowed to bring along things you actually have, not something you have already lost. You can bring things, people, situations or ways of being. Throughout the year, as you acquire new skills or things, you can add them into this list.
A sample list may look like this:

A) Ways of being:
1. The body that you have today – your health and your looks
2. Your skills and talents – your gifts of communication, intuitiveness, ability to inspire friends, colleagues or family, your intelligence and wit, sense of humour, nurturing or healing ability, your skill at your job, any DIY skills you possess, even your ability to type, tell stories, make people laugh or just put strangers at ease, being a good parent, etc.
3. Artistic – your creativity and imagination whether in cooking, composing music or poems, painting, creating works of art, writing or telling stories, any dance or musical ability, your great tastes in fashion or home decoration.
4. Character – your generosity, sincerity, your ability to emphathise, your inner strength, your principles and values you hold dear, self confidence, pragmatism, etc.

B) Things:
5. Material things like your house or your car.
6. Your career and the financial independence it provides
7. Your intellectual knowledge gained from education and wisdom/maturity from your experiences
8. Any other achievements you have had

C) People/situations:
9. Memories of love shared in past relationships and appreciation of the love in the current relationship
10. Appreciation of your family – their wholehearted acceptance of who you are and their support in your life’s journey and their unwavering love and faith in you
11. Friendships with co-workers and colleagues, best friends who understand and support you and provide you the gift of their understanding and time.
12. Your acceptance and forgiveness of the past and the lessons you have learned from it

As you can see, the list is endless. Of course, your own list will look very different. And there may be many more bullet points than the meager twelve listed above. The beauty of it is, when you look back on this list, you realize that in the journey you have travelled thus far, you have indeed amassed many valuable gifts. With these gifts, you are more than equipped to handle the many Christmases you have ahead of you. And there is no limit to the number of items you can add on to this list in the future. In fact, you can make it a ritual to revisit this list every Christmas and see what new items you can add on to it or whether you can improve on any of the existing items. Better yet, these gifts can be shared and used to serve others. Not only in the spirit of Christmas, but also throughout the year.

And in line with this, I’d like to share a poem that I received through the email. Enjoy, those who have not seen it before:

Every day is Christmas when you have the kind of mind,
That stores up all the goodness and the sweetness it can find.
When you don't need an occasion, to spread a bit of cheer,
But just keep on a-giving, of yourself throughout the year.

Every day is Christmas, with a gaily wrapped surprise,
When you've learned to see the friendship, in someone else's eyes.
When you try a little harder, and complain a little less,
Holding fast to all the fervor of the faith that you possess.

Every day is Christmas, when you've found that you can be
More concerned with words like "you" and less with "I" and "me."
When it's fun to do a favor, and to lend a helping hand,
When being understood means less, than when you understand.

Every day is Christmas, with a beauty deeply cast,
When you find it doesn't matter, if you're first or if you're last.
When you can face your conscience, and be glad of what you are,
Then every day is Christmas, with a stable and a star.

-Anonymous

Merry Christmas to all and have a great 2009 ahead!

When life gives you lemons….

2008-11-20T17:11:00.005+08:00

A recent visit by a relative was illuminating. An almost-single mother (almost-single in that her husband comes and goes as he pleases, where sometimes there are continuous days in which the family does not see him nor know where he is), she has raised 3 children, the eldest being 23 and the youngest 18 this year. She has endured countless infidelities by her husband, to the extent the family now considers him a stranger and look forward to his absences from home. At the height of her troubles 10 years ago, her husband did not send money home when he was having one of his more serious flings. Stranded and dry on cash, she had no choice but to move out of the small apartment they rented back to her mother’s house. A housewife who attended school up to the age of 12, she had been financially dependent on her spouse. To make ends meet, she was forced to find work at a small printing outlet at a small shoplot, within walking distance from her mother’s house.

That was 10 years ago. The children are all grown up now, the eldest daughter an independent young lady, a filial child who has helped to bear her mother’s responsibilities on her young shoulders. She is confidante, companion and best friend to her mother. She, her 2 siblings and their mother have moved house countless times, each time renting a temporary home until her dad wearied of his lodgings or stopped bringing back the funds to pay the rent. Her mother is waiting for her to graduate and bring home her first paycheck as that will be the day they are all free from their father.

And it is the mother I am blogging of today. This woman, in her early forties, sat on my armchair on a Sunday evening and we spoke of life. She told me that life was all about being born, raised by your parents, marrying, raising your own offspring, then ageing, illness and ultimately death. It was the inevitable journey, and it would happen whether you resisted or welcomed it. That was just the cycle. Money was everything. It determined whether you were high ranking or not professionally, and consequently, whether you would suffer injustices at work at the hands of your superiors. If you were a woman, it determined if you were free from having to depend on your husband.

She was, in effect, telling me that life was something to be endured. She was resigned to her fate, weary to her soul and at best she wanted to just make it through peacefully to the end of her days. I have rarely seen someone so defeated, so vanquished. She had absolutely nothing to look forward to. Her fatalistic acceptance of her life shrouded her with passivity and powerlessness. She emanated a negative energy so compelling, there was a palpable sense of depression lingering in the air when she was done speaking.

I gathered my wits and tried to coherently make my point across to her. Life was not a test of endurance, as I saw it. There was a purpose to it, a meaning, if only we could find it. We are all unique and all of us had gifts. Heck, life in itself was a gift. Food, shelter and material needs aside, we are all still searching for ourselves. We bungee-jump, sky-dive, climb Mount Everest, adopt African orphans, scuba dive in shark-infested waters, backpack around the world eating maggots and fruit-flies - all these are quests in search of ourselves. We endeavour to get ourselves close to nature, go on adventures that place our lives dangerously close to the edge, all in a bid to reconnect with that part of ourselves that we lose as we grow up, get educated and join affluent society. Surely, surely, there was more to life than reproducing and growing old? If Nature set us here mainly for us to populate the Earth, wouldn’t it have been more sensible to give us more wombs, a more frequent ovulating cycle, and a shorter gestation period (isn’t 9 months a wee bit too long in the span of a population-driven existence?)

But she looked at me blankly, this dear woman. She was practical, down-to-earth, grounded, a bit dogmatic but with her heart in the right place, and she thought I was spouting nonsense. To her, romance and passion are luxuries we can ill-afford. Principles, values, integrity? Only if you have enough money to get by, my dear. Mind you, she wasn’t exactly living in the lap of poverty, either. The children, although a headache (whose children aren’t? Besides, having children is just another choice you make) were filial, well-behaved and respectful to their elders. Their errant dad had settled down and was regularly bringing home the bacon, and the eldest was graduating soon. The marriage was a farce, true, but the mother didn’t have to work and had a totally flexible schedule to do as she pleased. She was reasonably healthy and they were not selling their bodies or living in the slum area. The family unit was close and she met up with her siblings and elderly mother everyday. She had a car and now owned an apartment of her own. But she thought I was crazy (or perhaps an idealistic idiot). I could have been speaking Sanskrit or Greek, and it would not have made a tad of difference to her.

It saddens me, looking at her. She has achieved so much yet she thinks so little of herself and her life. Personally, I cannot say my journey mirrors hers. I cannot even claim to have an ounce of comprehension of what she went through, never having experienced it myself. I greatly admire her resilience and resolve. But I’ll be damned if I sit back and just say, “Well, that’s life, we just have to endure it.” Make the best of it, yes; accept that which we cannot change, yes; face what cannot be avoided, yes; live, learn, love, grow, lose, mourn & grieve, yes; but I’m sure as hell going to enjoy myself every single step of the way.

Life is so rich and has so much to offer, if only we choose to see it so. All of us, we live life on so many levels. Everyone, no matter what they think, has a role to play. None of us are insignificant, unless we elect to think that way. We are so much more than we can ever imagine. Not convinced? Think back to a time when you lent a comforting shoulder to a grieving friend, or offered words of consolation to soothe a troubled heart. Have you ever supported or stood up for a colleague or a stranger you thought was being treated unfairly? Did you let the car at the junction turn in first even though you had right of way? Have you ever given up your seat on the bus or train to a stranger or elderly person? Did you ever say “I know how you feel” and genuinely mean it when someone you knew was going through a crisis you had previously experienced? Do you hug your children and encourage them to be the best of what they are? Do you tell your spouse you believe in them, and support their decision in whatever they do? In all those situations, you were a source of comfort, support & perhaps even inspiration to those whose lives you touched.

More than the base act of reproducing, I feel the purpose of our life is to give, to serve, to make the world a better place than it was before we were in it. Yes, some will say that their life’s purpose is to find happiness. But think about it, you will find happiness when you give, for in giving, you are actually giving to yourself. All professionally paid jobs also have this same purpose, to serve. The difference is we are being paid for services rendered. That is what makes that which we give willingly, voluntarily, so priceless. Even if we have never done a kind deed in our lives, and have just been in the middle of crises that happen continuously, we should never feel our struggles are meaningless. All our challenges make us stronger. And in that strength, we grow with compassion, we mature, we learn how to be brave and we are able to reach out to another fellow human being who travels the same path in future.

But don’t get me wrong. If you do not find meaning in giving, I am not saying reproducing serves no purpose, if only to satisfy your base urges. Being a parent in itself is no mean feat and you are definitely serving, giving, whether you intended to or not. But be the best parent you can be, if parenting is your purpose. Whatever your choice, do it 110%. We cannot all commit to noble causes of solving world famine or eradicating cancer & domestic violence. But in the span of our lives, we cross many other lives, and one word or action sets in motion a chain of events that will affect the whole world. We should never feel that we have nothing to give or live for, that life is meaningless. We were not put here to suffer. Suffering, in the end, is just another choice.

So get out there and do whatever makes you happy. Visit a spa, get a massage, have a slice of strawberry cheese-cake, pet your dog, watch a funny movie, light a fragrant lavender-scented candle, indulge in aroma-therapeutic bath oils, buy a new CD by your favourite artiste, eat a hotdog, go to the beach with your kids. Just indulge your senses and be present in the moment. And after you’re rejuvenated, go back and LIVE. And be grateful for everyday you have. Soon, you’ll realize the days were too short.

My relative above doesn’t know it, but she inspired my blog entry today. She has set me to contemplating life’s purpose. And undoubtedly, life may give you lemons, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy making lemonade. And who says you can’t make a lemon Coke, or lemon meringue pie instead? In everything we do, we always have choices.

Stairway to Heaven - A Tribute to the Korean serial

2008-10-22T20:07:00.005+08:00

I remember the moment I was first bitten by the hallyu bug (the generally accepted expression is “struck by the hallyu wave” - however I was hit in a more subtle manner, hence the change of phrase) I was channel-surfing on Astro on a weekday in May 2006 when I had taken leave from work, and chanced upon one of the Dynasty channels. Stairway to Heaven was being aired, dubbed in Mandarin (the original Korean undubbed version is much better, as I was soon to find out).

The 2 protagonists, clad in what looked like wedding attire, were skating on an ice-rink, only they didn’t seem happy. Something (from a previous episode) had transpired, which caused the groom to toss away the ring (later, I found out it was an engagement ring which had not been used as the “bride” had unfortunately, run out of the engagement party before the announcement could be made to all those present). The groom then changed his mind, picked up the ring, declared it a friendship ring, and promptly placed it on the finger of the bride. But they both looked like they very much wanted to be more than friends. They then proceeded to celebrate that friendship by skating hand-in-hand, then sealed it with a passionate kiss on the skating rink. It was something the groom wanted to do before they became friends. And that, was what got my curiosity piqued.

Mind you, I was one of those who turned up my nose at these daytime soap operas. I thought Korean love stories were trash for bored housewives who had nothing better to do in the hours between preparing lunch and getting ready for dinner. I was more into CSI and those prime-time investigative shows. I thought Winter Sonata was cheesy, and the male protagonist looked even more feminine than the female protagonist. I was not into simplistic storylines with bland characters and repetitive dialogue. I wasn’t going to waste my time watching Stairway to Heaven, I had better things to do with my time. I was 34 and married. I had been in a relationship long enough to be cynical about the adrenalin rush of the initial stages of romance and how it would all mellow down later on. I refused to even participate in my friends' daily debates where they would discuss the plot and speculate on what would happen in the next episode. “Do you think she really loves him?” “Of course!” “Then why did she run out of the engagement party?” “Because she didn’t want to get in the way of his career,” and they would go on and on while I bit my tongue and resisted making snide remarks.

But that all changed the moment I set eyes on an actual episode. The soundtrack was awesome (both dramatic and oh so romantic at the same time, really appropriate to the tone of the series), the set was beautiful, everything about the production spelled class. I knew I was on to something. But first, a confession. I’m a female and as every female who watches these serials will tell you, the male lead is very important to us. We have to feel some attraction for him in order for the spell to work. And no, I didn’t feel this pull the first time I saw the lead, which was played by Korean heart-throb Kwon Sang Woo (incidentally, he did not look feminine at all). However, I didn’t realize he was soon to become my first Korean love. And I was about to fall off my very high horse from which I had been judging my bunch of hallyu-converted friends.

(Note to those who have not yet watched Stairway to Heaven: There are spoilers ahead and you may want to skip the following 8 paragraphs.)

The plot for Stairway to Heaven (STH) was simple: 2 childhood friends, meant for each other, fall in love and promise to meet again when the boy (incidentally, also an heir to a mega business empire) goes abroad to further his studies. Fast forward 2-3 years, they are now grown up and it is time for the girl to join the boy overseas. However, her conniving stepsister (who also has an eye on the boy and his future inheritance) prevents her from a crucial meeting with the boy at the airport. A fluke accident happens and the girl loses her memory. Boy is heartbroken and left to grieve her supposed death. Girl is taken into the care of her stepbrother (who also happens to be in love with her), given a new name and takes on a new life. She has no memory of her lost love and believes herself in love with her stepbrother. She is told her parents died in a fire and she struggles with remorse as she has no memory of her childhood.

Fast forward to present, boy is back from abroad to take on the business as planned. He has grieved for 5 long years, never having gotten over his love and his loss. He runs into girl by chance (and this is where the good stuff begins), is amazed at the likeness, and proceeds to pursue her (you will love how he does this). She is perplexed at this stranger’s behavior (remember, she has no memory of him at all), but he perseveres, trying in vain to bring her memory back. She resists, and he engineers a cunning, ingenious plan to have her join his company. Through all this (many romantic sequences where he tells her of his childhood love and takes her back to places they played together while growing up), he finally comes to accept that she is not who he thought her to be. Nevertheless he still finds himself falling in love with her (by this time, if you are female, you would have already fallen in love with him. Seriously, I kid you not).

She in turn, finds herself falling for him against her better judgement (how can anyone blame her?) but keeps her emotions in check so as not to hurt her present stepbrother-boyfriend. (a note here lest all this is perceived to be incestuous: The stepbrother is not a blood relative, and was the son of girl’s stepmother when her dad married a 2nd time. Girl’s dad married a vixen who had 2 children from a previous marriage. Aforesaid vixen is the wicked stepmother in this sad Cinderella tale. Confusing? Then don’t try to comprehend this and just take my word for it that there is no incest in this tale)

In an unexpected turn of events, girl is nearly knocked down by a car, survives and regains her memory. She is reunited with boy (another romantic sequence where he seeks confirmation that she is indeed his long-lost love), but he is disowned from his inheritance for choosing to be with her. See, his mother already has his marriage planned to someone else. Like the great guy that he is, he chooses the girl over money. Knowing how much his dreams (taking over & expanding the family empire) mean to him, girl pleads with him to return to the company, promising him they will find a way to be together. Then wham, girl finds out she is afflicted with terminal illness. As is befitting of true love, boy insists on being with her to the very end, involving many heart-wrenching sequences of girl trying to hide the truth from him, boy’s discovery of the tragic circumstances surrounding her illness, their marriage and their inevitable final good-bye.

Of course, when you think of it, STH was a drama typical of many of the clichéd plots of Korean serials at the time (STH was produced in 2003). Childhood friends meant for each other, check. Amnesia, check. Terminal illness, check. The characters were also pretty one-dimensional. The villains were evil to their very last hair, the protagonists sweet and pure, noble and gallant. Yet what made the series so successful was the execution by the 2 leads, the tight pacing of the storyline and the successful combination of the soundtrack with the critical moments of the story. If you jumped in and watched it halfway through the show, you would have found it a tad melodramatic. But if you watched it from the very first episode, you’d find yourself rooting for the protagonists (especially the male lead) all the way. Of course, you’d have to suspend logic a little as to the circumstances surrounding the first “death” and why the male lead did not investigate further instead of just accepting it and suffering 5 long years. The emphasis of the story was on the circumstances the leads found themselves in, and the ensuing emotions those circumstances caused.

Personally, I liked this story for a few reasons of my own:
1. The male lead’s unwavering love. Through it all, our long-suffering male lead never wavered. He loved, lost, loved and tragically lost again. Yet he remained strong and true, steadfast till the end. Sure, he wept. But that never detracted from his masculinity. You didn’t feel he was a wuss for the tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t get involved in fist-fights or bar-brawls, yet you knew he would fight with his life to save the girl anyway he could. Beneath his expensive suits, you knew he was a sinewy, muscled tough guy strong enough to take on any WWE wrestler. One that was sensitive enough to shed tears and declare that the girl was more important to him than his career, his dreams, even his own mother.

2. The guy’s single-minded pursuit of his girl when he first ran into her back in Korea, and the look on his face when she said she didn’t know him. He ran on foot after the bus she got on to get away from him (you will just melt watching this), he pursued her when she was in a train (telling himself he’d never let her leave his side again), he drove again beside her bus to catch a few last glimpses of her when she resigned from his company (thereby intending to leave his side forever). He never gave up against all the odds. This was a guy who had not moved on 5 years after his lover had “died” in an accident.

3. The gallantry and courage of this guy. When he believed his girl was in love with the stepbrother-boyfriend, he was willing to let her go so that she would be happy. Even when he knew of her terminal disease, he never left her side, determined to stay with her till their final moments together. How many men could deal with that?
(end of spoilers)

Admittedly, it didn’t hurt that Kwon Sang Woo was, and still is, a hunk. He has a great build (oh, those strong, wide shoulders), a body to die for (with the tightest abs you’ve ever seen on a man), a wonderful voice and boyish smile, and his looks would have you keeling over from his hotness. In many sequences of STH, he appeared immaculately dressed in black power-suits, surrounded by bodyguards clad in black. He was the CEO and he emanated power, charisma, magnetism, and yet he was vulnerable, his eyes hiding the deep hurt from the loss of his childhood love. He played the piano, he did magic tricks. He was arrogant yet that was a veneer to hide his sensitive soul. You sensed there was more to him than his outward insolence and total disregard for social niceties. He was desired by all the women in his company and could have had a free choice yet he hankered for a girl he had known since he was 10. A large following of women fell in love with Kwon Sang Woo just from watching STH. He was the boyfriend every female longed to have.

STH touched the depths of my soul and re-awakened parts of me I never knew existed. It was heart-wrenching to know that after all the 2 leads had gone through, they would have to part. I cried so hard that on several occasions I had to put the DVD on “Pause” to compose myself. The tissues I used to mop up my tears filled the waste-basket and ended up in a snowy pile at my feet. In the office the next day, colleagues would look at me in concern (my puffy swollen eyes gave me away) and ask if I was coming down with the flu or whether I had slept the night before. I wept more in those few short days of watching STH that I had cried in the last 10 years. The series made me feel as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest, pummeled and stepped upon. I felt raw, vulnerable, yet strangely, human again. Above it all, STH had connected me to my emotions and thawed me from inside. I realized how cold I’d been before and through all that crying, believe it or not, had grown into a more compassionate person. The series led me through anticipation, joy, despair, anguish and grief. It was the first Korean serial I watched in full, and I’ve been told, it’s one of the saddest ones on the market. Perhaps, it would have been easier if I’d started on a romantic Korean comedy instead.

Yes, STH changed my life. I never watched CSI again after that. I wearied of the false glamour and strutting pretentiousness of the characters and contrived plots that engaged your mind but not your heart. STH changed Kwon Sang Woo’s life too. It launched his career and he instantly became one of the most popular hallyu stars at home and abroad. On Sept 28th this year, he married his girl-friend in a low-key ceremony attended by family and close friends. I wish him a happy-ever-after.

As for watching Korean serials, I wisely made sure to watch more Korean comedies sans dramas after that. I was more deeply affected than the friends I’d scoffed at. Lesson learnt? Never judge until you’ve travelled the road yourself. STH left me depressed for a month after I concluded the series. Knowing the characters were not real and that Kwon Sang Woo was merely acting his part did nothing to ease the despondency. Thank goodness the melancholy subsided after a while, although I nursed a subsequent half-year crush on Kwon Sang Woo (along with the legion of his other female fans). We have to realize that we can only cry so much from watching TV. Some of the tears, we have to save for our own personal tribulations.

But don’t just take my word for it, go pick up the DVD and judge for yourself (click on the link here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkjX6od4plw to get a preview of this magnificent series). Just remember, watch at your own peril. Your tear-ducts are going to be in for a vigorous workout. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Thinking Positively

2008-09-01T20:56:00.001+08:00

Have you ever wondered why some people are just almost always happy with themselves even how much they are being let down by circumstances? Well, if you do not yet know, let me tell you. In fact, the answer lies in something called "perception". Probably, I could have very well named the title of my post today as "Perceiving Positively", but well, I thought that "Thinking Positively" would perhaps be better understood.

To me, nothing happens by chance. Everything that happens at every moment in time depends on the cumulative decision made by every particle in the Universe, including those of yours and mine. Hence, any event that happens to happen to someone could also probably happen to someone else, if the Universe decides as such. Remember, we are all part of the Universe, thus we also play a role in determining every decision the Universe makes at any one time.

What has this got to do with thinking positively, you may ask. Well, an event that occurs at a particular instance in time could probably affect two or more individuals. If this is so, then it boils down to how the individuals involved are going to perceive such an event. Let me give you an example.

Imagine a situation where your car broke down in the middle of a highway on a busy Saturday afternoon. You have, say, your spouse and two kids in your car as well. So, here is an event that is going to be affecting four individuals at the same time. If, say, one or more of you gets overly frustrated that all he/she talks about at that time is complain about how hot (or cold) the weather is, or how the other is being such a dumb ass to not be able to do such simple things as to service his/her car regularly, or that he/she is missing out on all the fun that has been planned for the day, or... you name it. Then I would call such a person as a negative perceiver. This also applies to anybody who has their minds focused on the problem, but not the solution to the issue.

If however, any of you is focused on finding a solution to the problem that all of you are facing at that time, which is of course the fact that your car has broken down, then I would call such persons as positive perceivers. You would think that it's hard to be perceiving things positively, but think again. If you spend just a little more effort thinking about how you are going to solve your problem, and if you just try to think about the goodness you are receiving at the moment you face such "problems", you will soon find yourself perceiving things positively. For this example, I could think of a few solutions, where you or your spouse would probably be searching for some contacts of mechanics in her purse, or finding alternative transport to ferry the kids off, or try getting someone to help start the engine if it's an engine problem, etc. There are always ways to solve problems, and there are always problems to solve. To the negative perceiver, an issue is being perceived as a problem, while for the positive perceiver, the same issue is being perceived as a challenge for him/her to solve. Do not dwell on the problem, but focus your minds on the solution, and when a solution is achieved, be happy about it and never analyse the issue again to find faults with anybody. You may want to analyse the issue to find out how to better handle such issues again in future, but never to find faults.

Also, whatever the situation that you are being put through, it is always a good thing to thank the Universe for granting you such a situation in the first place. You might feel that the Universe is punishing you with the break-down, but try thinking of the break-down as some event that probably you can learn from and be a better person. You might probably learn from this example that you would try to include your car servicings into your busy schedule, while your spouse might learn to remind you to do so. With this perception, you would thank the Universe for granting you such an event where, if it never happened to you, you will never improve to the person you will be in the future. Then one day in the future, you would look back and thank the Universe again for the event that made you who you are then.

I acknowledge that I may not be the smartest of kinds, and when it comes to certain things, I would fail horribly. But remember also that everyone has their own sets of areas with which they are weak at. Even the world-renowned Physics mind of his time, Einstein, failed in his marriage. There are numerous examples around you where you would find really smart people failing to do simple things in life. You might be one of them. You could be great at doing certain things, but in other areas, which may seem simple enough to other people, you fail.

There is nothing wrong with you. To be perceiving things positively, you should view yourself as someone unique and acknowledge that you are good at doing the things you are good at, but also acknowledge that you have areas with which you are really bad at doing. Communicate your weaknesses to your spouse and children, and hope that they still would accept you as who you are. Similarly, have faith about your spouse and children being great people who have their own sets of strengths, and accept their weaknesses as part of their character.

I will reserve faith or belief to another blogpost.

My prejudices

2008-08-29T00:18:00.002+08:00

My blog today is a little controversial. I am listing my biases. An inventory of pet peeves, whether reasonable or not, my irrational judgements based on my own knowledge and experiences. Yes, they will annoy you if you don’t agree with them. You will wish you knew my identity so you could throw eggs at my face. But save your eggs first, you may find yourself agreeing with me.

So here goes, listed below please find my itemised peeve list, in no particular ranking or order:-

Bias #1: Superstitions
I think superstitions are created by fearful, ignorant minds. This is my pet theory: people are superstitious because they mostly lack knowledge, and have not had access to an education that provides simple explanations of the science of daily life, and do not watch documentaries like “Mythbusters” and “How do they do it” on Astro’s Discovery Channel. That’s why they look back to ancestral, archaic beliefs and ways of doing things, and so they fear ghosts, believe in mediums, never discuss death, avoid attending funerals if they possibly can, abstain from consuming prawns and mutton during their pregnancies, try not to visit a woman in confinement who has not passed the 30th day after childbirth, don’t cut their fingernails after sundown, believe that washing toilets will affect their ability to make their fortunes (this is mainly for the men) and so on. These are the same people who live in houses numbered “888” and drive cars with number plates “8888”. They’ll number the 14th floor of any building as 13A so that the residents of the floor will not die early on in life. These hapless people are living Dark Age beliefs in a New Age world. Knowledge is power and the less you know, the more you fear. So the ignorant fall back on superstitions or traditional myths to cope with their fears.

Bias #2: Chocolate
I have a thing against men who cannot consume Milo or any other chocolate based products without getting heaty (a traditional Malaysian term to denote the body’s tendency to fall ill due to excessive yang energy. Yes, this is of the Yin and Yang energy theory). I think they’re sissies. Or maybe, I should just say they have a wussy constitution. OK, it’s true. This is pretty unreasonable. Some people have a chocolate intolerance. The Chinese, in particular. They really don’t know what they’re missing out on. Choc-fudge brownies, ice-blended mocha shakes, mud pies, chocolate chip cookies, Toblerone or Hershey’s, or even plain hot steaming mugs of cocoa come to mind. Why just the men, you ask? Well, I am more tolerant of the ladies because most of them have a more, shall we say, delicate state of health. They are more prone to pimples (a cataclysmic disaster, as compared to the same thing appearing on a man’s face) and are already subject to monthly highs and lows of their immune system due to their cyclical periods. Can we blame them if they have to avoid coffee, tea, chocolate sometimes? No, we can’t. The men have no excuse, you see. Their bodies don’t demand that they wear pads with wings that chafe their thighs every month, they don’t have to bear children or breastfeed them after forcing them out through a vagina that has to expand to 4 times (or is it more?) its original diameter. Yes, the men have it good. That’s why they’re sissies if they can’t drink Milo. (I have a face mask on if you’d like to throw your eggs now)

Bias #3: Dog Haters
People who fear or hate dogs- I think that’s just silly. Ok, ok, this is pretty far-out. It’s just an individual thing. But there are some who literally go to the ends of the world to avoid dogs, they cringe at the thought of a mutt putting its friendly paws on their thighs, they scream when a loving pooch comes near to have its head patted or its tummy rubbed by a human friend. How can you fear man’s best friend? They did not gain that title through a popularity poll or a one-million-dollar-best-friend naming contest. Dogs have saved human lives, helped the disabled, protected their masters from intruders and they shower you with unconditional love and acceptance. They don’t judge you and they are happy to just be with you. They whine with joy when you come home at the end of the day, they can sense when you’re sad. They don’t understand why you subject them to weekly baths and yearly visits to the vet for painful injections. But they do it anyway because they want to please you. In return, humans have been known to chain them in the sun and rain, starve them, douse them with hot water, stone them, some of us accidentally run over them and some people even eat them. We humans have a lot to learn from dogs, really. They could teach us a thing or two about loyalty, acceptance, devotion, unconditional love and friendship.

Bias #4: Whiners
People who whine but don’t act - they are just wasting their own time and the time of others who have to listen to their whining. Sure, you can empathise with some of their problems, but these people complain about everything. There is always something wrong going on with their lives. They hate their in-laws, they’re overworked, they couldn’t find a parking space, they were caught in the jam, they didn’t get the egg in their bowl of prawn noodles, they didn’t win the grand prize in the annual dinner lucky draw and so on. These are the people who complain about the government but don’t exercise their right to vote. They claim their thighs are fat, but they don’t exercise. They say traffic is bad but they don’t want to get up early and leave their homes an hour earlier each morning. They say their job is boring but once they’re promoted they say the work is too stressful. They say their spouses don’t appreciate them but they don’t take the initiative to communicate their needs. They wish everything and everyone else would change but themselves. My friends, there are people in the world dying of cancer, bed-ridden, sexually abused as children, prostituting themselves to make ends meet. They would love to exchange their struggles for yours. Sometimes all it takes is a different perspective to see things as they really are. If you feel that powerless to change all that is negative in your life, then just change yourself. Mahatma Gandhi once said “Be the change you want to see in the world”. Think about that.
And lastly,

Bias #5: Patriarchy, specifically the preference of sons over daughters
There are many people who prefer having sons to daughters. This outdated belief comes from our patriarchal society which defines that men are the stronger gender, the leader wielding authority over women and children. Why is this belief so pervasive in spite of our recognition of the importance of equal rights for women? What can a son do that a daughter can’t? Carry the family name? What’s grand about that? Names are just labels. We are all of the human race. Short of having different ways of answering nature’s call and donning underwear of differing thicknesses, how is having a son different from having a daughter, really? Are they not your flesh and blood too? Were they not painstakingly carried for 9 months in the womb and then forced out through painful labour too? Why should one gender be honoured over the other? Aren’t we merely 2 different sides of the same coin? It is this kind of old-fashioned thinking that is carried down from one generation to another, the same prejudices passed down from parents to their children. Worse, some women actually believe themselves inferior to men. They feel they cannot survive without male protection, and perpetuate these values to their own daughters. These same women tell their daughters to do the housework while the sons watch TV. In extreme cases, education funds are saved for the sons while their daughters are not prioritized since they will be the “property” of their husband’s family once they are married off, anyway. I forget, what century are we in now?

OK, so I have judged my fellow human beings, by my own distorted standards. I’m aware I have neither the right nor the authority to do this. As I said, these are just my own biases. You have yours too, the only difference is you don’t list them down so I don’t know what they are. We all have our prejudices, and we apply them unconsciously on the people we meet, on our friends and colleagues, even our loved ones. If we could face our own biases, then we perhaps can understand ourselves more. And perhaps within that understanding, we could open our minds and hearts to be a little more accepting and tolerant of the diversity in the world? So why don’t you join me today. Grab a sheet of paper, list down your biases, question their reasonableness, and ask yourself if you are judging others today. If you are, are you prepared to make a conscious change within yourself to un-judge?

What's your slogan?

2008-08-25T22:55:00.001+08:00

Do you have a motto you live your life by? A personal slogan? A maxim that summarises your attitude and beliefs, the principles and values you uphold and apply to all aspects of your life? Look into yourself and find that personal mission statement. Try it and see.

This is your internal dictum, the adage with which you conduct yourself. You could have unconsciously put it together from watching your parents as you grew up, you could have been inspired by a movie or an autobiography of a hero who struggled and succeeded against the odds, or maybe you just have a role model you observed in your early years and whom you are trying to emulate.

So, can you find it? Do you know what it is? Or have you merely been living your life on auto-pilot, tailoring your actions and choices to the approval and opinions of others, following what society has mapped out for you, living without questioning the norms and values your elders, parents, religion, race, community, partner impose on you? Are you where you are today because of your own choices? Or did you live up to this moment today based on others’ expectations? Are you only happy with what and where you are today because you have made everyone else happy in the process? Do you even know what your values are? Or are your principles flexible, bending with the will of others or at the convenience of the situations you find yourself in?

Ah, I have got you thinking now. You wonder what your slogan is. You can’t sit still until you figure out what it is. Well, go ahead and do that. You are going to discover yourself in the process.

To get you started, I have listed a few of my own, compiled from various authors and sources:

1. Be your own person. (this is my personal favourite) Make your own choices, face the consequences of these choices, live your own life, find your own way. Life is too short to please all of the people, all of the time. You may as well please yourself, and save the energy otherwise spent blaming others for your misery.

2. Live with integrity. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. As Oprah Winfrey puts it, “Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not.”

3. Always do your best. Give the best in everything you do, so that you will not regret what you did not do. What shame is there in failure when you have given it your best shot? At least you have pushed your limits, and discovered your own personal record to be broken at your next attempt.

4. Seek the good in others. Rudyard Kipling, famous poet and author of “Jungle Book” once said “I always try to believe the best of everybody- it saves so much trouble.” Indeed.

5. Be grateful. Rejoice in the gift of each new day, be thankful for music, flowers, the stars and the love of friends. Breathe and be fully present in the moment, be grateful for the gift of yourself.

6. Let others be free. Free others to love you, or not. Let them choose to accept you, or reject you. Allow them to agree with you, or dispute your opinions. When you control others, you lose only your own freedom.

So, are you inspired to find your own slogan? If you reach a dead-end and find you have no motto, fret not. Just create one today. Make it your best. And most importantly, live up to it. Be aware of it, breathe it, feel it and practice it. Make a promise to yourself to remember your motto when you are making your next New Year’s resolution.

And as a special treat for today, I leave you with one of my favourite poems, a poem entitled "The Man in the Glass" by Dale Wimbrow originally written in 1934, a verse containing timeless truths about integrity:

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that person has to say.

For it isn't your Father or Mother or Wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

Amen to that.

Life's Awakening

2008-08-20T22:08:00.002+08:00

Have you ever come across an article that spoke directly to your heart, amazed you with the wisdom of its contents, gave you the clarity to see through the fog of your muddled moments and inspired you to be the best you could ever be? I received this enlightening article on the net from my dear mum 4 years ago. It may have a different effect on you each time you read it, depending on what stage of life you’re at and where your journey has taken you. Nevertheless, it is too good to remain unshared and even if you’ve seen it before, it is still worth a thousand re-readings. As I am unaware of its origins, I cannot credit the writer or author, blessed be his/her soul.
Appended below for you to partake and enjoy….

THE AWAKENING

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it…when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.
This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow”. You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about: how you should look and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop; where you should live or what type of car you should drive; who you should sleep with and how you should behave; who you should marry and why you should stay; the importance of having children or what you owe your family.

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practised to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK…. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10”; or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare.
And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval. Then you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving”. And you recognize the importance of “creating and contributing” rather than “obtaining and accumulating”. And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about – a full refridgerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.

And then you begin to love and to care for yourself.
You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviours including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learnt that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest.
And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through clean, and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns: anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burnt at the stake.
Then you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations.

And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself”.
Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals:
and now all new things are possible. Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God.... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learnt that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time….FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY ….the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honour and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Like I said, a great article. Wherever you are in your life, may you find your peace.

Footnote: I managed to identify the author of this great piece. Her name is Sonny Carroll and this is her website where you can find more of her inspirational compositions http://www.herlifebydesign.com/

KTM Komuter – a survival guide to using the trains

2008-08-17T23:52:00.002+08:00

The fruit seller at my office cafeteria asked me why I was late last week. He grinned when I told him I’d missed the train and consequently, the shuttle bus to my office from the central train station. A local radio DJ had commented about KTM Komuter, the notorious train service I use daily for about 6 years now. This DJ said that passengers were considered lucky if they were able to board the trains within the first 3 tries they pulled in at the platform. Was this true, my fruit seller asked me.
Well, yes and no.

Firstly, the train services are erratic. They come at anything between 10 minute to half hour intervals, although the official promise made to the public in May 2008 was 20 minute intervals. So your first 3 tries would theoretically range from 30 to 90 minutes.

Second, when the train is late due to the usual unexplained “technical failures” morosely announced over the speakers, the waiting crowd doubles and triples. They are left stranded as most are already late and there is no alternative transportation as the traffic jam has reached critical levels due to the late hour. Moreover, the waiting taxis would not ferry you to your office in town given aforesaid traffic jam.

Consequently, there is a mad rush to board the train when it finally arrives because
a) you are not sure whether the next train will arrive and if it will, what time that would be and
b) you have waited at least 45 minutes and are already running late.

May I also say that when your 45-minute-late train arrives, it is already fully packed with people on stations before yours and you probably will have a hard time pushing yourself in through the doors. So we have a crowd of people pushing themselves into an already crowded 45-minute-late train, causing more delays as the train is unable to leave the station or close its doors to continue on its journey. Then those who are left behind are advised to take the next train which is supposed to arrive 20 minutes later. So 45 minutes drags to beyond an hour. And this is not counting the time it will take you to arrive at your destination the moment you have successfully boarded the train.

All of this happens on any given weekday, whether during peak hours or not, and especially when it has rained heavily one or two hours ago. Most Malaysians have already resigned themselves to the situation and those who can afford it, would rather drive their own cars than be subject to this daily frustration.

But that all changed during the recent fuel price hike. The government has urged Malaysians to “change their lifestyle” and using public transport has to be one of the ways. So we have more people now squeezing onto the erratic, irregular, frequently- delayed-due-to-breakdowns-and-technical-failure trains. Tempers flare, the crowd inside the train yells at those outside to stop pushing, there is no more space inside. Outside, the crowd shouts back, go further in, everybody wants to go home/get to work. There’s still lots of space, move on in.

Has the VIP who recently boarded the ERL to Putrajaya tried to get onto the KTM Komuter during rush hour? Did he experience the exhilarating bosom-to-bosom, butt-to-butt ride of traveling in a train for which he has been waiting for over 45 minutes? Public transport is definitely not for those who are claustrophobic, faint of heart, timid, or ultra-modest. You will be pushed, elbowed, sandwiched between strangers, yelled at if you are slow. On bad days your arms will be pinned to your sides and you will not even be able to lift your hand to flick your fringe away from your brow or scratch your cheek. Your immunity system had better be strong too as strangers will sneeze, cough in your face. Imagine two lovers leaning into each other, about to kiss. That’s how close you have to stand with strangers in the train.

So how do we survive this daily challenge of using the KTM Komuter? I have compiled a survival guide, for the newbie, which might also help some veterans of public transport.
First, get your expectations right.

1. Expect that your journey is going to take longer than private transport. Public transportation is unreliable in Malaysia, and always has been. Moreover, the KTM Komuter is not the Star-Putra LRT of Kuala Lumpur or MRT of Singapore. The trains move slower, they are driven by a human. Unlike the LRT, they will not come at 2 minute intervals. Don’t compare the trains to driving your own car. Even if you are driving and moving bumper-to-bumper on a jam-packed highway, it will still take you on average twice as long to commute to work and home when you are using public transport as opposed to driving your own car. That is the absolute truth. Accept that, and save yourself much pain.

2. Don’t expect the crowd to queue up in an orderly fashion like at the LRT stations. The trains are irregular and it’s each for his own. When resources are limited, humans will be out for themselves. It’s merely the rules of survival. If you queued up, you would lose your slim chance of boarding the packed train and god knows when you’d be able to reach your office. Who cares who came first? Nobody else queues anyway, and no one will listen to the KTM staff since they themselves are not even sure when the next train is going to arrive. If you don’t push in through the doors like the rest of the people, you are going to be in for a very long wait. And there are not many chairs at the KTM stations.

3. Don’t expect to have a place to sit. You’ll be lucky if you manage to get a standing space. Regardless of whether you’re pregnant, carrying your toddler, on crutches, don’t expect the average Malaysian to offer you his or her seat. In the first place, they fought hard to get into the train, and grab a seat. If you are pregnant, have your kids with you, are limping, they are probably thinking it serves you right that you are standing because you should have arranged for alternative transport. The train is already too crowded anyway for anyone to get up, move through the people around the seat, and empty the space for you to walk to the seat he or she was offering you. Malaysians are mostly tolerant, but not necessarily civic-minded. Kindness to strangers is totally optional. It depends on the individual’s values and you’re blessed if you’re on the receiving end of it.

4. Expect bodily contact, and lots of it. If you are the modest type who needs her own space, where nobody is allowed to come within a foot of you, forget about taking the train. You will be bumped into, leaned on, maybe even stepped on as the train grinds, stops, turns and winds along the track. People will lose their balance and grab your arm or anything they can find to avoid falling onto the floor. Men will brush past you through the narrow space between two bodies as they make their way to the door to exit the train.

OK, so assuming you now have your expectations right and are still game for using the KTM Komuter. Well, good for you and good luck to you.
Here is my lists of do’s to guide you along the journey:

1. At the station, take note of where the train stops and where the train doors open. Stick to this spot when you are waiting for the train. You will find this place when you have taken the train a few times. Standing at this spot will ensure you are right at the doors when the crowd is exiting the train, so you can be one of the first to enter, thereby assuring you of a place in the train. Of course, it goes without saying that you should always allow the crowd inside the train to exit the train first before you enter. (the announcer will frequently remind you of this)

2. If you are carrying a backpack, remove it from your back and hold the strap in your hand or put it on the floor at your feet. Due to our body structure, it’s the upper body that will occupy most space and there will be space around your legs for bags, backpacks and whatever it is you’re carrying. Strapping your backpack on your back instantly takes up room, adding bulk to your frame, and it robs another passenger of space in the train. Plus, you will be inconsiderately bumping into people if you had your backpack on, just by turning your body, and you won’t even know it since you won’t feel it.

3. Move into the middle of the trains, find any empty space that people have not filled. Many passengers, for reasons of their own, are reluctant to move in. So the crowd mills around and are squeezed in at the door areas. This waste of space in the train deprives more passengers outside of getting into the train.

4. Don’t be insecure about losing your balance if you are not near a place where you can find a railing or pole to hold on to. Many people refuse to move into the train as they have found a stable pole to anchor themselves to and are loathe to give away this prized spot to the incoming passengers. Realise that the train is not really that unstable. The trick is to go with the flow of the train, not remain still as a rock and resist swaying when the train moves. Wear flat shoes or heels, spread your legs about hip-width apart, and bend your knees when the train starts swaying. You will find you can keep your balance quite easily. If you wear heels, consider leaving them at the office and wearing flat soles when you’re commuting. It helps particularly when you break into a sprint whenever the train is pulling into the platform and you want to dash to get on it rather than wait another 20 mins for the next one to arrive.

5. If you are lucky enough to stand near a pole, remember please don’t lean on it. It helps you stabilize, true, but your body leaning on that pole is depriving another 4-5 people of hand-space to grab the pole for support, too. Also, don’t wrap your arm around the pole and hug it while reading the papers. This effect is the same as leaning on the pole, and your reading the papers is depriving others of much needed standing space.

6. If you are lucky enough to have found a place to sit, put your bags/parcels/laptops/books on your lap rather than on the floor. Also, keep your feet close to you and don’t spread them wide out while you nap. People who are standing need all the space they can get to stabilize themselves, especially if they have nothing to hold on to. You who are seated with your bags on the floor and legs spread wide are costing them the precious little space they have to stand comfortably.

7. If you are traveling with kids, try as far as possible to avoid peak hours. It will be that much more comfortable and less dangerous for your kids.

8. Try not to cough, sneeze, yawn, burp, fart or any other bodily functions that result in shall we say, emissions that cause the discomfort of other passengers. Remember, everyone is in an enclosed space and they have nowhere to turn their head to avoid you.

9. If you have an incoming call on your mobile, pick it up and be done with it as quietly as possible. Don’t talk at the top of your voice because nobody is really interested in your private matters, whether your child has just had breakfast or whether you’re going to be able to attend the company’s annual dinner. If you need to tell your dad about your performance evaluation with your new supervisor, save the bragging for when you’re back home. People are trying to sleep standing up and are imagining they are anywhere but in a sardine-packed train. Give them a break, they could really do with a little peace and quiet.

10. Do everyone a favour and save time by making your way to the doors 2 minutes before you reach the station of your destination. That way you can be out the doors the minute they open, instead of jostling with those who are outside and will start making their way into the trains when they see no one from inside is going to exit.

11. Lastly, practice tolerance and patience. Don’t lose your temper at those from outside pressing into the crowded train you’re already on. They are as desperate as you to get home, their time just as precious. If you’re outside, don’t lose your temper at those in the trains who are not moving in. They probably don’t realize there is still a lot of space to move in and they may be afraid to move away from the pole they’re clinging on to for dear life. Remember, we are all in the same situation and no one is to blame but the authorities and KTM itself. (don’t get me started on those in power who can do something about it and yet spend the taxpayer’s money to send a doctor to outer space to conduct some meaningless experiments)

Happy Commuting!

Famine? Or display of human submissiveness?

2008-07-27T15:13:00.002+08:00

This picture, taken by Kevin Carter during the Sudanese famine, shows a vulture waiting for the toddler to die before it could scavenge on his remains. This picture won the Pulitzer prize for Feature Photography in 1994.

While I do not question Carter's qualification for the coveted Prize (I actually respect him as a very talented photojournalist), I do have a few points for all to ponder.

If you look at the picture carefully, there's an overfed vulture, and a malnourished toddler. To me, this is an illustration of human suppression by animals, in this case, vultures.

I would think there was actually plenty of food in Sudan at the time this picture was taken, that is if the Sudanese would think it that way. Why is there shortage of food, when there are many such animals hovering about the vicinity? If a blowpipe, or gum-trap is readily available (which should not be too difficult to manufacture), the Sudanese will find themselves being well-nourished, since the vultures are a good source of protein and nutrients.

If water was a concern, why didn't these people think of how the Arabians survived in deserts? Planting cactuses, or some other plants or animals of that sort, would be able to solve their problem. Also, I think in such cases, international organisations such as the Red Cross or Red Crescent could help, not just by supplying medicine but also by exporting such products (blowpipes, gums, cactuses) when needed, which would probably be more beneficial to the Sudanese in the long run.

Do we have a global food shortage crisis today? The answer is easily no. These pictures published to the world are but a few illustrations hungrily expounded upon by a wrongly-motivated few who want to raise food prices in tandem with the profit of oil-producers. Remember some news about a family living in urban poverty, who share a meal of soya sauce and rice daily and one fish shared between the family members at night? Honestly, is it difficult to live by eating like this? There are a variety of ways to eat on a small budget. There are beans for protein, and various condiments to vary taste. When I am spending on a budget, I can eat a very low calorie meal. It is fine, I don't live to enjoy food. I eat to regulate my bodily function.

If you had a hunger pang, and you didn't immediately assuage your tummy, what would happen? After this first experience with gastric, the next time you eat at odd hours again, you will find that you produce less gastric acid. By producing less acid, you don't really feel painfully hungry, so you can eat less. This is how anorexics live. By the by, I do not suffer from any eating disorder - I am of those young adults who have poor eating habits due to work constraints.

Will you be less productive if you constantly had hunger pangs? The answer is, true, you will find it difficult to concentrate during a hunger pang; however, you will stop having hunger pangs when your body revises its physiology to produce less acid. So you will not be less productive. Honestly speaking, in all regards, being less productive from lack of food, is all a matter of the mind. The Buddhist monks' daily routine starts with prayer and then a single meal from alms-begging which is consumed before the strike of noon. If you argue that a monk has really much less mental exertion (because they are responsible only to themselves and not to a company that we're affiliated to), indeed, you are not in the know about what they do. Meditation is difficult to comprehend for many lay people, but to those who have tried it before. It is not a simple thing to meditate, and more importantly, to meditate the Right Way. I cannot claim to be an expert of Meditation, although I can describe my own expectation and experience of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the true crisis of our post-modern era is the ubiquitous Excess of Manufacture, which has spawned all manner of delicacy to tempt the people. It is purely the greed of humans which is causing wrath between the wealthy and poor. It is the greed of the wealthy which is causing the wrath of the poor. The equation is so easy to state, but when you are not impartial to the equation, it is difficult to accept the situation. I agree, I too cannot prevent myself from wanting more discounts for what I purchase. However, I know people who need the discount more than I do. They should get discounts, but because they know less avenues to obtain it, they don't. Let me leave the discussion of casuistry, a very excellent topic of moral, to another post.

Communicating with Ourselves

2008-07-20T14:40:00.003+08:00

If we can extract information from wave emissions from our body, we could tell what is wrong with it. This is the basis for a study by a group of researchers comprising neuroscientists, electronics and communications engineers, biomedical electronics engineers, and chaos theorists.

For the sake of those unfamiliar with what chaos theory is all about, here's a good read. Chaos theory has introduced applications into various other fields of knowledge, including electronic communications systems as we see today. This relatively-new field of communications, known as chaotic communications, is not yet commercially available as it is still being actively researched, though there are several applications already deployed to the military market, some of which include secure communications systems, jamming and antijamming transceivers, low-probability of detection/intercept/exploitation (LPD/LPI/LPE) chaotic signalling, among others, used in electronic warfare.

Chaotic communications is a specific field of electronic communications, where we can communicate information in a random way, so that the information that a receiver picks up looks just like noise. The receiver can be designed to retrieve (or recover) the original information from this noise-like signal.

What has this got to do with those neuroscientists, or neurology for that matter, one may ask. Well, these neuroscientists further deduced that all of us living creatures emit some sort of random-like information, which can be decoded and analysed by a superly artificially-intelligent chaotic receiver, so the research continues on in this line of thought.

What may arise in the reader's mind is, do you expect me to believe that any signal we emit means something? We could spend a lot studying a car's exhaust for gas emissions and imagine that it was trying to tell us something. It sounds like boulderdash, doesn't it?

But actually, we do take in this argument. As all of us are made up of matter, we adhere to the duality principle, in which we can either be represented by particles or waves. Living creatures including humans, being waves, consist of a combination of individual frequency components. The waves, when radiated by our bodies, can be analysed by a chaotic receiver, which would demodulate the received signal into its individual frequency components and chaotically decode each of these components to retrieve sensible information. These information can be used to tell us if our body is fine or otherwise.

The evidence in Eastern medicine
I invite you to think why we are studying randomness. Natural evidence is random. The theory is about finding predictability in randomness. Chinese physicians feel for how different a patient's pulse is from the normal mean and use this information as a basis for his/her diagnosis. A healthy pulse would have its characteristic, and a cancerous pulse would have its own characteristic, both described by distinct chaotic attractors. Any signal that deviates within the characteristic of the healthy chaotic attractor, would be considered a healthy pulse. Many chaotic attractors defining various diseases would all be embedded into a chaotic receiver. In traditional medicine, the physician would be the superly-intelligent chaotic receiver who diagnoses the disease.

By all accounts, the use of randomness to find predictability is not a far-fetched idea. I can imagine how our questions about nature could be answered conclusively by this field of knowledge.